Repeated mistakes

I thought I won’t be a doormat this time.

I thought I could be strong. But I wasn’t able to.

I thought I chose someone who will not treat me as a doormat.

In the end, I was only a doormat.

I’m sad and crying more than be angry. I should be angry but I can’t be. Because I still have feelings to him as someone I looked up as a dom. I can’t be like caucasian ladies who can scream. I wish I could. But I can’t and just cry in the bed everyday. I want to smile and say it’s ok. Say to him that it’s ok because I know that as annoyed as he is with me, he would be worried, but I can’t.

Because I wanted this to work. This BDSM relationship. It would have been my last sexual relationship and BDSM

I wanted to have fun. Sexual fun. Something light and enjoyable at times. Sometimes serious domination. It’s so rare to find someone who can do both.

So my sexual and bdsm life is over. I wish I was able to enjoy sex and come. I wasn’t able to before because I trusted no man. Sex with someone who used hypnosis helped me before to open the door to my climax but I still didn’t fully come. Because I needed to be dominated and he wasn’t a dom.

I trusted him. I trusted too much. just like before.

On the other hand, I didn’t trust myself. I wanted to trust that I am sexually attractive but couldn’t be. No words from him, although I trusted, didn’t sink into me. Because we were relying too much on texts.

I needed to see his face. Body language to believe. I was looking forward to him saying directly to me that I am beautiful in my own way. He told me so many times in his texts but I wanted to see his eyes, hear his voice to believe it.

And I was secretly looking forward to that moment. The moment that he will say it. The moment I could see in his eyes and his body that he was sexually excited. With me.

Then, if that moment came, I thought I would be able to believe him and his words. That he wasn’t saying just to seduce me but he really means it.

No amount of text was enough to make me believe that he was interested in me. i wish I could believe his words but I couldn’t. It doesn’t substitute the tone, nuance and warmth of the voice, which I wanted.

The communication through mostly texts and writings can only go so far. It’s no substitute to voice calls and video calls.

I should be angry but I can’t. I asked to discuss properly but that was denied too. It made me feel completely worthless.

But for a second I was in a dreamy world, dreaming of crazy sex that I always longed for and strict submission. He took me to that world. And how much I wanted to experience his world that he would give me – not just online but I wanted to feel him.

I still remember how excited we were when we were planning for his overnight stay. I was talking to a counsellor about him and I asked ‘can I just answer this text?’ Because I didn’t want to worry him that I was not replying to him for any other reason. It disn’t happen, unfortunately.

Not anyone else’s world. his world. That’s what I wanted to experience. To be his sub.

I kept on thinking – with texts and with emails – I wanted him to know what I was thinking but I had troubles. I don’t know why. There were feelings that I couldn’t express. I looked upEnglish words online and in dictionaries but couldn’t find an appropriate word. Such times, i cursed myself about not having enough vocabularies. Such times, I tried writing several times in different ways and I still couldn’t. Such times, I wished I could write in my native language and still be understood.

It just resulted in too many repeated emails. Probably a 10 minutes video call would’ve solved it. Maybe. Probably feeling him in person would’ve solved it because I am sure there are things that I cannot express in words but my facial expression, tone of voice and my body would’ve told him without using words. My pleasure. Me looking up at him as a sub.

I had a lot that I wanted to say at our coffee meet but I didn’t want to talk about sex at 9:30 in the morning and he was on his way to a meeting. When we briefly met again after his work was finished, he was tired and wasn’t in the mood to talk about sex and bdsm. I wish I just did.

I cried so many days and nights and I still can cry.

I wish I was able to experience how it feels to be dominated by a person I chose as a dom, and what it feels to climax.

That door is closed. I won’t have time to look for someone, trust someone before a part of me will be removed due to health reasons. I don’t know when, but it won’t be long.

I still can’t be angry. I’m just sad.

S

Whilst I’ve deleted the post which I asked and went looking for someone on Fet (because that was a big mistake), I still get messages from people who won’t read any of my profile or writings. Most of them, I don’t even reply. Too many of those ones, unfortunately. Some, because of the courtesy they’ve shown, I may say no thanks because I am trying to see what happens with another person. Even in the latter group, I haven’t seen anyone who wrote well as him, S. OK. I’m getting sick of calling him ‘he/him’ because it gets in my way of writing men in general and him.

When I posted the ad, I was determined that I won’t settle for anything less than I wanted.

I’ve had enough of being taken advantage of myself and keep on smiling. In vanilla and in BDSM.

And S appears. What are the chances? It’s not just the profile, all interactions on Fet are disclosed and what S was posting on groups said a lot about S. What other person’s writings S like. They tell a lot more than what’s on S’ personality and more than the messages he sent. What I like about Fet and what I also hate about Fet.

(Oh by the way, if someone writes S’s, when referring to possessives, they can get lost. They can get lost if someone uses S’s for plural….lol (of course, when not referring to someone’s name, that is))

It isn’t fair to compare S with other doms. I’m not even sure if I would compare apples to apples if I do. S is so special and so different from anyone I’ve met, vanilla or online.

Is this the case of the grass being greener on the other side? No. Well, maybe. I can say that S is luscious grass compared to dried out, weed-infested patch of dirt. OK. That’s not fair.

I can say one of the vanilla partners was a nice looking sprout of green on the other side but was taken away from me before it flourished, involuntarily for both of us. Recently, I suddenly realised that I’ve locked the memory in my heart and tried to not think of him, except for a few special occasions every year. It was interesting that talking to S brought back the memory and made me think that I shouldn’t be locking him away.

It also appealed to me that there will be no mix up between our day to day life and our dark side, BDSM. Some may be able to live with that, but I can’t. I would prefer lasting and constantly fiery passion and desire over day to day coexistence with S.

How I felt in my adult life – I feel disposable. I’ve been disposable my entire adult life – in love, at least. Being used. I’m going through the motions, waiting for the next person to be done with me, to walk away.

I hope S isn’t done with me. I know that what makes S invaluable and indispensable made this ‘relationship’ difficult for him. The exact aspects of S that I loved, and probably the part S loves about me, made it difficult.

I know I’ve had issues with both sex and BDSM. I’m not looking S to fix it. All I want is that I can have ‘fun’ with sex and BDSM that I haven’t experienced. Because the underlying issue for me not being able to have fun was more about trust issues, I know S can. I know we can have fun.

S is smart (OK how many times do I need to say it?). With the people who aren’t smart, they couldn’t keep up with me. I couldn’t understand them, either.

S cares about everyone in his circles, even a sub that he hasn’t met.

S is dominant (obviously😛) . I have no intention of dominating him. He would be a difficult person to dominate as he would probably look for someone smarter than him. lol The thought of his submitting just made me laugh for the first time in 1.5 months. Oh so, S is able to still make me laugh. I need to get rid of the image came into my mind.

S keeps his promises. Well….yeah. That’s big for me. This is why if he had told me he would do ABC to end this, but he hasn’t done them, I logically assume that he accepted that I can wait., which was an alternative. Also, I still believe that he isn’t communicating with others. As I wrote before, I don’t think that was the case when we initially started messaging, but I’m quite certain that he stopped at one point.

S is funny and made me laugh (as above!).

S has wealth of knowledge. (yep, saying he is smart again, but being smart and having knowledge are different things. You can be one but not the other). S is also eager to absorb any new knowledge too.

S can be rough (i can only trust his words and his sexts) but S has a sensitive side to him. Anyone can see it from his interactions with others on the Fet. How he picked up my thoughts and emotions between the lines of our messages. That sensitive side is something that I love. If S was someone who is insensitive, I would not have been in love with him.

S is sincere. Is this the same with keeping promises? No, it’s broader.

S is complicated and that complexity makes him attractive (for me! Call me a weirdo).

What are some of the problems with my Mr green grass? Too much thinking, his sincerity, indecisiveness. If S reads this, he would likely say ‘I’m the opposite of indecisiveness!!!’ but I will only smile and keep my mouth shut. S will make on the spot decisions and live with the consequences like I do. It’s what we are required to do at our work, in a different way, and we’ve been trained that way.

The fact and the core of what makes S, S, get in our way. I knew S thought and thought about us, how we can make it work, and S wasn’t sure about it. Initially, I was the one who wasn’t sure about this, and then S started thinking.

I know S was thinking it’s better to stop before we go any step further. The person who S is, makes it a bit difficult, but we can. I do not want to leave without us giving it a chance. Because of who S is. Mr gem (mmm. it’s not a diamond. Something more beautiful. Opal? I love opal with different colours and even can be firey and yes, my image is that S is a fire Opal) . Mr green grass (why did the image of a horse eating grass come to my mind?).

Our lives got in our way. It is also this new era of post COVID world. It’s not the distance issue, I say.

The only thing that keeps me from losing all faith is that I know S will tell me when S really is done, when he has no feelings towards me anymore when S wants me to simply leave his life completely. He hasn’t done that yet.

I’m supposed to be a woman who faces life head on, stays strong, smiles and cracks a sarcastic joke. I’m supposed to keep a brave face. I’m supposed to remember that other people have it worse.

But I can’t. S is a gem. It’s very difficult to let S go, before we spend time. I’ve never met someone like S and I know I won’t. Like…it took me almost 30 years to meet someone like him. Not a vanilla partner, but a BDSM partner that I wanted. If I met him as a vanilla partner, it wouldn’t have worked.

Is this stalking and obsession? lol. Maybe. I don’t know because I haven’t wanted anyone this much. I say it’s more of a little girl in me wanting a Daddy dom. No, I just wanted to tease S because he kept on saying he wasn’t a Daddy dom…..but S’ BDSM score says he is a Daddy. 😛 (I was very nice and didn’t point that to him) If I really wanted to stalk S…I think there are other things I can do, but I won’t. 😂🤔

I’m a woman who loves with my entire being – even if that ‘love’ is limited to love as a submissive. My love flows out of every pore. It begins within my soul. You could have had the world, and you let it slip away.

I give everything that I am. I sacrifice. I lose sleep. I worry. I hurt when you hurt. Not because I think I’m supposed to. Not because I want your admiration. Fuck that. I do it because that’s what you do when you love someone.

I bestow my smiles, my laughter, my passion, my sexuality on the one I love, the one I adore.

Is it too much for a part-time Dom? No. I don’t think so. Similar to how S compartmentalises his life, I do too. And in the BDSM life, I fully give what I can, in that compartmentalised life. I don’t expect any more than what S could give me in that portion of his life.

Until he says so, I am happy to wait for S. If it takes another few months, that’s life. I can wait. But I need to have something to hold on to, which are daily chit chats and S’ stories. I don’t want to feel like I’m fading away. The morning and night short texts and simple ‘x’ keep me happy that I haven’t been forgotten.

I thought I finally was content and was happy with my life, until it ends. It wasn’t until recently that I felt so. Then, met S. It’s almost like my goal has been moved further away from me.

I didn’t think I would meet someone like S, who is so similar but so opposite. We joked about how we are complimentary in our personality tests, but that’s only what is shown above the water. What is under the water is what makes us complimentary.

I’m definitely not an easy person. I’m too complex too. I know that. That’s why I gave up that there would be someone who understands me. I don’t trust people easily. S would laugh if he reads this. But it’s true. I may let some people into one layer beneath my outer wall, but never further. Not my family. Not my friend. S was the only person who found a way to come closer. I didn’t tell S what to do. How to do. Bits by bits he found his way in. There must have been times S was frustrated with my walls, but he didn’t give up.

That makes S different from others. That makes S my dom that I want to submit.

It’s not my intention to intentionally put walls up so that there is a challenge to people. No, it’s just that the walls are too high and thick, I don’t know how to take them down.

You can only ever truly feel and love wildly if you open up all parts of your heart without any restrictions or reservations. But that is also when its defences are down and it’s susceptible to the greatest dangers. Regardless of its immense strength, your heart is also the most vulnerable part of you. Exposed too much it can be subjected to a level of pain the likes of which your body never thought it was capable of. Yes. The dangers. That is what is happening at the moment. My walls are about to go up again, and I think I will never let anyone come closer to me, if I did. Not even S.

I’m happy not to act in front of S and without walls. I too, am scared as I’ve always acted in front of others. Sexual partners, in particular. I thought I could just act and fool everyone so that they see what they wanted to see. That was my way of protecting myself, not to be hurt.

I so wish S has some time next week, when I’m off work for few days. I can meet wherever S wants. It would have been great if we could spend time for sex, but I just don’t think that’s possible….he must be busy as always.

I hope, at least, S would start talking to me. Back on messages. I know you are still thinking. I want to be let in, in that process of thoughts.

Second glass

“Do you feel like getting dirty?” you said with that evil smile that I love.

“Not yet.” I tease you. I know you can’t wait anymore, and I can see you getting hard, but let’s see if you could hold it for a moment, if you get upset or if you would punish me.

“How about some wine?” after thinking for a second you ask.

“Just a glass.” I’ll be OK with a glass…maybe.

I giggle and ….

5 minutes later.

“Feel like a kiss?” you wisper into my ears and you look like you are planning something naughty.

“Yes. I would like that, Sir”

Bit dizzy….why did I even use the word Sir? We haven’t started playing yet. With that, I gulp the whole glass of wine in one go so that you can kiss me.

Am I OK? Yeah….I’m OK. This wine is greeeeeaaaaat.

Did you sigh just before you kiss me?

This kiss is greeeeeeeeeeat….as usual I’m melting. I slightly touch your groin and can feel how hard you are.

……mmm? Wait? Why are you kissing me? the play hasn’t started yet!

“How about another glass?” after the kiss, you extend your arm with a wine bottle toward me. You are smiling…. still. Mmmmm……this is a nice wine. Oh yes, I brought it here, didn’t I? Or did I?

“Of course.” I extend my glass toward you. Yay. Another glass. This is only my second… glass….”I can manage the second glass. that’s nothing” I say.

You look at me with a weird face. What? What’s wrong?

20 minutes later.

“Are you sure you are OK?” asking, you hold my jaw and my cheeks suddenly feel very hot. It must be so red. It’s because you are touching me….master. hehe.

“Absolutely.” I’m a bit giggly….wait am I ok? Yeah I am…of course. It’s just the second glass.

“Another one?” you are opening the bottle even before I can answer….Yay. Another nice one. I love that red.

“Yeah. Nice! ” I answer. It’s still my second glass. I’m OK.

“Do you feel like my cock in your hot mouth?” I’m getting blurred but I know you would be looking at me with that evil smile that I love.

“Put it here, big boy.” And I giggle. Another big sigh from you? You look up, with a sigh and you unzip your trousers…..yay….my favourite cock. Not too big but I can live with that….

Ouch!

Wait. Why did you slap me? That hurt! Did I say it out loud?

Another 20 minutes….

“Finish the bottle, lady” without asking me, you pour the rest into my glass. It’s my second glass…..It’s OK….

“We better, mr fucking machine.” I giggle.

You look at the ceiling with a sigh AGAIN. What’s on the ceiling? A spider? and I finish my second glass.

“Do you feel like fuck?” your voice is hoarse. Uhhhhh…it must be getting difficult to hold. Your cock must be so hard by now, it must be hurting….Master.

“Are you sure you can fuck me?” I giggle and hear another big sigh from you. You push my shoulders to the floor so that I will kneel.

Oops…..I couldn’t kneel and collapse.

Big sigh from above? but you help me kneel and did decide to shove your cock in my mouth.

Love you. My dream fucking machine…..

Ouch! What?

Do you ‘get’ ‘it’?

I thought I was happy. Good job, relatively good pay. Because I changed careers in my early 30s, I’m slower than others in terms of where I would want to be, at my age. But I’ve asked for and got what I want to go up the corporate ladders in these few years.

Certain people at my last workplace gave me a chance to be confident about myself again. I used to think job titles aren’t important, but that changed when some people didn’t respect my work just because of the title I didn’t have. When I look back, the previous company had an unconscious bias toward Asians.

It’s interesting that I didn’t realise about it until I moved to my current company, which is a European company, but so many Asians and non-Caucasians are in senior management, selected on skills and experience.

The current workplace gave me a chance to confirm that I can confidently do my role and that I am really good at it. Also made me realise that I love what I do. Come up with solutions. Talk to anyone in the company in the language they understand. Persuade people. Charm people so that I can make them do what they may not want to do (but need to do).

Make strategic decisions that are important for the company. The pressure of making important decisions on my own (because everyone was so nice and didn’t question when I made a decision) did initially stress me a little, but I’m now confident that I can. Most of the things at work are fixable. It’s interesting that I know that when it’s related to others, but forget about myself.

At the time when I met him, I was starting to regain my confidence and I thought I had everything I wanted. No, I thought I had what I needed. Whilst money isn’t everything when I think about happiness, it still weighs a lot when I live in a very expensive city alone. So, finally earning a good amount made me sigh a relief. I was also doing other stuff that I always wanted to do, like buying my piano (it’s a long story about a constant battle with my parents who stopped me from pursuing a music or art career).

But when I met him, I realised that I didn’t even know that I needed ‘it’.

I can’t even remember why I put an ad on Fet. Maybe I was so tired from long hours working from home for 2 years and needed some break. I hadn’t gone on Fet for a long time, and I don’t really remember why I went there. My single friends were busy with online dating, so maybe I thought that I should go to Fet rather than vanilla dating sites because I knew that I won’t be happy with vanilla sex.

I usually go look for a sexual partner when I am either really happy or really stressed. It’s very difficult to know which bucket I was in when I went to Fet.

There were lots of messages. Most of them went to the bin. Some were nice, but when I saw that the person had a vanilla or BDSM partner, I said no.

With him, I don’t know why I broke all the rules I had. I don’t even exchange messages if a person has a partner. No long distance. Do not let men act like my Dom before even we meet. Every rule was broken. I’m so bad. lol. Where is that me who is very good at work?

Until I met him and understood him, I don’t think I had understood who I was looking for. Previously, my ex BDSM partner who eventually became my boyfriend had the position of my ideal partner. He was too kind, too nice, not dominant enough and we were too alike. I thought I wouldn’t meet someone like him. But he easily jumped above this ex-partner. That’s why even though ex-partner wanted to come back to me, I didn’t agree.

It certainly helped that what we want to do, in terms of sex and BDSM were close. But that, unless he really preferred what are my hard limits, I can be flexible. I’m sure that he hasn’t told me about what he really wants to do. Also, once I told him what my hard limits are, I trusted him that he wouldn’t ignore them. It’s amazing how many people would just ignore the limits. I mean intentionally. It’s fine if they got excited and forget about the limits, but some are…so evil.

Even with things we had already agreed on, I’m sure there are nuances that can’t be explained. For example, the pain I want and the pain he wants to inflict may be different. However, that’s a small issue in my mind.

Given the lockdown, and our messaging (which was probably too much), we had concerns. I had a concern that I didn’t voice, but it was quickly apparent that he had the same concern. Which, I have to say, unfortunately, eventuated. I know that that’s why he started to engage in more sexual texts and role-plays via texts. That probably tired him too. It’s not easy trying to come up with different stories 3 times a week!

I think he said in his Fet post, that whether the BDSM relationship works or not, it’s all about whether the other person ‘gets’ it or not. I totally agree and for me, it wasn’t all about sex and BDSM. Work, our life, BDSM and sex. It’s hard to get a person who ‘gets’ ‘it’ – which can’t be really explained and understands me. It’s difficult to say, which comes first. Who we are in vanilla life, or who we are in relation to BDSM/sex. And whether the other person gets it or not, isn’t something that I can’t express if someone asked what I am looking for. Someone who understands the complexity of who I am. Someone who still respects me for who I am in my vanilla life but lets me be someone different and who I want to be, in my BDSM/sex life.

It’s everything isn’t it? Personality, whether we can keep up our conversation, BDSM, sex. If we are talking about something that is on news, the conversation won’t continue, if the other person had no clue about what I was talking about. Oh, I do have a bad habit of not keeping the messages strictly BDSM or sex. I don’t like it anyway, so whilst I know that there is a danger, I can’t message a person who talks only about sex.

Even about BDSM and sex – it’s not all about ‘what we physically want to do’. That’s why there are very few hard limits for me. My dream is that the Dom uses me for his pleasure and I am like a sex doll that he uses as he pleases. Having said ‘helpless’, my role is to still observe the Dom and think on the spot, about what Dom wants me to do to excite him. If I do not obey, then the question is….will the Dom notice if I intentionally disobey?

Yeah, and I don’t think he wants a motionless, quiet sex doll either. lol. But I just want someone who I trust, to let my mind go blank and make me react how he wants me to feel. It’s a lot to ask. It’s not easy as you think.

Flipside of it is that, whilst I want the Dom to do anything he wants to do, if I don’t react in the way that Dom expected me to, he won’t be excited.

This mind game with someone who gets me excites me.

So this spiral or helix is what excites me. So he needs someone who gets it, and I need someone who gets it. I haven’t had someone who gets it.

I know he will have no issue finding someone else. I have an issue finding someone like him, now that I ‘met’ him. How can I let someone like him go? Yes yes. I still have concern that even if he is nice enough to have a BDSM session, I might not react as I want to, and disappoint him.

But I know that the fact that someone like him wants to dominate me, and see him get excited, will excite me so much.

And that he has a rough side of him that he won’t show to anyone else? How exciting? My dream BDSM does include ‘almost rape’ play and invasive sex. It’s not simple as CNC. CNC is a much broader category. This rape play, is something that I can say to anyone that that is my dream. That’s why I brought it up with him, for the first time in my life.

I can be stubborn. I’m not ready to let this go, until he says it is really over. How can I? If you finally find your master, how can you let the hand go?

If I understood him, I think he may be still thinking as I have been.

Yes. I now know what I always wanted but could not express as a list. Someone who really ‘gets’ ‘it’. Someone who can do anything to me, and me being happy about that fact. It’s the only person whose approval matters to me. I thought I don’t need anyone’s approval.

I am very bad at expressing what I feel. I’ve found someone who understands me, even if I don’t say anything. I think I was reading between the lines about his messages, he was as well.

It’s very difficult to find what I wanted and abruptly be taken away.

So crazy as it is, I keep on thinking and waiting for him to contact me again. If not, that was very quiet but my first and last love as a sub. I’ve never opened up my heart like this before. I’ve never found someone who I can accept what he says (except when he says it’s over! lol).

So I wait. Everyday waiting is like a knife wound added to my heart….by I hope I hear from him…. (by the way, how can I stop these stomach pains which DO feel like someone stabbing it? 😱)

Fine line between consent and non-consent

I wrote an opinion piece about sexual assault, what that does to women and the social issues lying underneath.  In my other language and for a major newspaper in that country.  It got published yesterday and I know it’s getting a lot of traction on the Internet.  

I’m happy that it is, but honestly I wrote it so long ago, I even forgot about it.  I realised that it was published as it appeared on my twitter feed trending.  Good and bad.  I expected some harsh comments, especially from men and I read them. 

That’s fine as was expected.  It was an article aimed at such men but I could understand that there will be men who would never understand. 

It triggered me to go do some digging.  First time since the sexual assault, I’ve checked my archived messages on the site we met and my phone messages too.  I was thinking about what happened. 

The revelation? I didn’t mention rough sex. 

Unlike Fet where I have rough sex as my preferred play, I hadn’t listed it there.  Yes, happy to have sex but that was the extent I agreed.  He didn’t mention rough sex anywhere (in writing and from memory I don’t think he mentioned it in person). 

That actually gave me some relief.  

I also remembered that whilst I said before that I didn’t do enough screening, which is half true.  Because I asked the right questions when I was messaging back and forth, went to his house and then we sat for about 90 minutes talking about BDSM and other topics.  

It’s weird.  In my mind, I felt like I asked for it, didn’t screen enough and the things I spoke at the house were more about things that were not about BDSM. 

Why on earth I thought that it’ll be easier for me if I thought in my mind that I asked for it, is a complete mystery.  What I also found out is the fact that the perpetrator didn’t think that it was an assault.  He wanted to meet again. 

I’m not sure which is better.  I must’ve thought that thinking ‘it’s my fault’ made it easier to brush it off. 

There are definitely parts of that assault that were his kink (but were not my kink and caused trauma in me), and parts that were not his kink and should not have been allowed.  Sex without a condom and told me afterwards that he had a vasectomy is the latter.   Now, as I wrote, I was on the pill and am, so other than sexual diseases, pregnancy wouldn’t have been an issue.  I had knowledge about morning-after pills and got it in case.  Unfortunately, sex itself was painful from my physical issues at that time.  Also, what was his kink was not my kink. 

These, made me feel that it was an assault rather than a consensual BDSM. 

Back to my present.

I asked ‘him’ that I wanted rough sex.  It wasn’t meant to be using him as a floating device whilst I was still thinking about the above ‘assault’ and sex.   However, I have a feeling that he may have thought so, and it may have pushed him away or at least made him concerned.  No, he was not. 

What’s the difference? By just saying ‘I’m into rough sex’ to him, will everything be justified? No. 

It’s the trust issue but also about understanding him.   

It was also me wanting to be part of his kink. 

He was honest about what the definition of his ‘rough sex’ is.  It was also easy to understand what he had in mind was, from his fantasies and sexts. 

I could’ve said No to something if I didn’t feel comfortable.  At any point.

None of the stuff on his fantasies concerned me, rather made me happy that we are thinking along the same lines. 

I also have full trust that if I said something is wrong or ask him to stop, he would.  Whilst I don’t ask to stop once we are in BDSM with anyone, I never thought I couldn’t.

Third.  I want to breathe and experience ‘his’ and ‘my’ kink.

Honestly talking with him made me realise I always wanted rough sex and that it was in my mind.  Of course, I didn’t experience it before because I never admitted it.  When it was in my imagination all along, and when I admitted it, it became part of my kink that I wanted to experience.  The reason that I saw the previous meeting as an assault was this, of course. 

Also, just because I say I want rough sex doesn’t mean that I want rough sex with anyone.  His idea of rough sex matched what I wanted.   And as a sub, I wanted to be part of his kink, his fantasy when I opened my heart that he can be my Sir.  

His ‘rough sex’ includes both physical and non-physical aspects.  I need those non-physical aspects as well.  The words used.  How he would say it.  Knowing that he is enjoying it.  Knowing that he enjoys degrading me as a play but having full confidence he treats me as an equal outside BDSM.  Knowing that he respects me as a person.  Knowing that he adjusts the play so that I will enjoy it.  Knowing that being dominated makes me hot.  Knowing that I want sex as a part of our play.  Knowing that I respect and admire him. 

Another example of how he is different from the assailant. He said that he had tested for sexual disease and that if I was on a pill, he trusted me that I was, so wanted to have sex without a condom.  There, he laid out the full option and let me choose.   It’s not just about the condom.  He would’ve used it if I said I was not comfortable.  I also had an option to get the morning after pill in hand before, and not rushing into a pharmacy after.  By the way, I don’t think I need it. I have a choice for me. 

The result of the previous BDSM would’ve been different if that person was open before the session.  Not after. 

That’s the rough play I want.  That’s why I can’t find someone so easily!  I won’t be a part of a kink of anyone.  I need to have a desire to be part of his kink so our kinks click together. 

Weirdly wired

I’m an extremely private person.  98% introvert, as my current boss joked.  

But I was thinking about what I did before.  

I went to several BDSM/sex parties.  And this was instigated by me, not my partner.   I dragged him promising different things, which might’ve been fulfilled (may have not).   Some were private parties where I felt really safe.  And of course, my partner was there with me because I dragged him to them.  I hate to be touched by someone else, or someone else to touch my partner when we are having sex.  But the partner didn’t do as I asked (not) to do, so the end wasn’t a good one for me.  But, I loved to watch everyone play or enjoy sex or a BDSM. Mmmmm…am I a voyeur?  

Other parties were more like events about sex or BDSM.  Again, loved to see what was happening and enjoyed people playing or having sex. It was more like a closing event for a week long BDSM event which turned into some crazy BDSM/sex party after midnight.  Well, I did know the organiser so I knew it would turn into a play party. So went there knowing what would happen. 

Not that I had sex with others.  That was an absolute do-not-go-there- limit.  I just loved the atmosphere.  And even just dragging my partner on the floor and having sex with me on top.  I am scratching my head how on earth I ended up in a cowgirl position.  Maybe I had too much alcohol….but no.  I was the designated driver so I didn’t drink. It just shows I can get crazy too.  So I was sober. lol. 

When I look back, I don’t even know why I wanted to go to these.  I wasn’t fit, maybe weighed more than what I am now, but I also saw really big ladies enjoying at the parties and I remember thinking ‘oh it’s so nice to see that they are enjoying’. 

When I was at the parties, I did have different wigs on, different makeups on, and of course, corsets or steampunk on.  It probably felt like I was someone different.  But that doesn’t explain the sex I had with my partner….or how I liked watching things around me. 

Sigh.  No parties post COVID.  And I don’t have a partner to whom I can say ‘I want to go there’….even if there is. 

My mind is wired weirdly.   I can’t understand ‘me’.  This person who my friends and colleagues and family see.  And the person who acts crazy.  

Handing control

When I cry at night that I can’t climax, that’s on the top of my list to worry. 

Because when I wasn’t able to, it made me feel defective.  Then, with his help, starting to loosen up my body and my mind, but that came to a sudden halt too. I’m also working too much, so probably physically tired too, to come.  But if the same toy that gave me pleasure before is just a plastic toy now that does nothing, there is something wrong with me. 

I maintain control in nearly every facet of my life.  Even when I should let go a little, I exercise whatever control I can.  I know that.  Work…I guess I have to.  That’s the nature of my work.

I guess BDSM is the extreme way of handing over the control.    That’s pretty apparent. When I was young, it took a more ‘physical’ form.  Such as bondage, and shibari.  I wanted to lose control but I knew I will try to regain control by moving my body parts around,  I even hated myself when the pain was inflicted but I try to avoid it.  

So I liked the calmness that I felt when I was bound.  The state that I couldn’t move even if I wanted to.  And I was lucky that I was playing with absolute masters of rope play.  I wasn’t skinny at that point, but they made it feel like my weight can’t be felt. 

Now that I am older,  I wanted a different way of handing over control over me.   I still long for pain, for some reason.  Maybe I just want to believe that I am still into BDSM.   

Truth is, it doesn’t matter if it is called BDSM or not.  When I first started communicating with him, he was talking about bondage and rough sex and those were enough for me. 

I am also adaptable too.  ‘Who’ I have sex or BDSM with, is more important than what we do.  (Except for the cases that what we want is totally different or he is into things that are off-limits for me) 

I’ll sidetrack for a moment – Thinking back…when he talked about rough sex and some bondage –  to me, that was more to a ‘vanilla’ side.  And because he had a partner, to me, I didn’t want to be a lover in terms of vanilla sex.  I could allow myself to have sex with him, if I was a sub and within BDSM.  He must’ve sensed my thinking, as how he phrased it to me was absolutely the same way too.   He had vanilla lovers too, so I’m sure for him, that wasn’t an issue.  It was for me. 

That’s probably why I wanted some things that were clearly within BDSM, which are things like pain. It wasn’t a ‘must’ for me, but to sleep with him, it was a ‘must’.   If he wasn’t attached, I’m sure I wouldn’t have asked for these ‘extras’.  

Unlike my previous partners, I felt that I finally found someone I could hand over control during sex.  Whether that was BDSM or not.  To trust someone so much that you will do whatever they demand /command /request? That excites me to the maximum extent.  But whilst I was a sub, I don’t think that I ever handed that control to Doms before without being bound.  And then, unfortunately, when I was playing with people who bound me, I didn’t have sex with them, so I never handed over control over sex.  

I want the trust, the willingness, the desire to please – knowing that what I give, I will receive ten-fold.

Is that my ultimate fantasy?  Not the sex scenes that play in my head everyday…but this?  Trust as a fantasy?

I know my fantasy is for someone I trust to use me as he pleases.  Where I won’t have any say in it.  Gag me, put a mask on me if necessary.  Bind me, with bondage.  No, that person, if I trust, should be able to bind me by his words alone.  Bind me by his spell so that I will do anything to feel the pleasure he gives me. 

That’s why I don’t look for a partner after a partner. If I am hurt like the last time, I’ll say to myself that I handed over control to the wrong person.  

However, nothing excites me like finding someone over who I can hand total control.  It’s not also easy as that person needs to agree to control me in the private.  I’m….lol…..so difficult person to control. 

I was never into a BDSM outside the bedroom.  Whether it’s online or not. 

 I was surprised that there was someone I can listen to his words, accept them and could bind me with his words, outside the bedroom.  I’m not talking about sexts or hypnos.  The way he changed me in the last 6 months is surprising. 

That’s why it’s hot for me. 

Not sure if I would ever find someone like him.  That’s why I said this could be the end of my sex/BDSM life. It’s a bit sad that I can’t climax from sex, isn’t it?  I don’t care if I don’t come when masturbating.  Whilst it makes me frustrated and cries because I feel like I’m back to the defective person, I was more excited with the prospect of coming by sex, in his arms.  Trapping me and guarding me. Listening to the words that he comes up to control me however he wishes to. 

That’s what I was dreaming. 

Emotion

There are things I can control.
There are things I cannot control.

I can control my fucking own emotions.
I cannot control someone else’s emotions.

After we started exchanging messages, I noticed that he was starting to be attracted to me. I’m not saying this to boast about how good I am. Just a mere fact. Two adults being attracted to each other.  If not, why would we even continue? I didn’t hide that I was.  He was concerned about his own emotions.  Because this for him was about casual fun.  Having a lover on the side when he could visit where I live.  BDSM vs vanilla relationship.  Keep them separate.  I was fine with that.  I started to communicate with him, fully understanding what he wanted. 

I noticed that he had concerns about his own emotions, but I didn’t say anything as that’s not what I can do too much about it. I can tell him a thousand times that it wouldn’t be an issue but those words won’t mean anything if he didn’t believe in them. And they didn’t mean anything because it was about his own feelings and not about how I felt about him.  

I do think that I am too serious about ‘any’ relationships because as I said, I need to pour some emotions into them to have sexual relationships.  That’s who I am.  I tried to suggest to him that I can keep it casual as I can, but interestingly, he wasn’t the kind of person who could just treat me like a prostitute either.  Because I think he is the same.  An example is the previous one-off sex that he had.  If it was only about sex and fun, that one should’ve worked better than ours and would have continued.  It’s complex because I know I was attracted to him because he is that kind of person.  If it was about casual sex for me, I would’ve found someone else. 


Sometimes he was honest that he had issues about this. Sometimes he wasn’t. He did not want to admit it and turned a blind eye.

The first big fight, one month in, which almost ended our relationship wasn’t what it seemed to be on the surface of it. He changed what he was accusing me of several times during the fight. Almost to the point, it wasn’t making sense.

Right before the fight erupted, he referred to the planned coffee meet as Rubicon.  I didn’t have to look up what it meant,  I exactly knew what it meant and why he used the word but thought why is he referring to a coffee meet as such? Isn’t that too dramatic?   

What really happened was that he was eager to grab anything that would give him a reason not to proceed any further. I noticed that but I acted as if I didn’t.  He is a big boy. He isn’t dumb. He needed to come to terms on his own.  I have to say that trying to pull him back when what was happening at the surface and the below water were different was….very difficult for me. I had to kill two birds with one stone. 

He was afraid about his feelings toward me and every time we were discussing having sex and BDSM session, in person, he felt he wanted to pull out. He wanted to find a reason not to proceed.

Several times, he pulled himself back so that he didn’t feel like he was too attracted to me.  Not too close to me.   I’ve noticed it but again I had to let him because he had to decide. I can’t lead him to the water…(ok he is not a horse…)

Again, sometimes he was honest.  The other times, he wasn’t.   

He probably thought I didn’t notice when he was hiding. I did, dear. I’m not that dumb or insensitive to others’ feelings. It was all in messages, written down as well I read them over and over to the extent I almost memorised them. Analysed them. His words. My words. Both of them.  What wasn’t written there too meant a lot. 

He was very nervous when we decided to meet for a coffee. It was initially supposed to be an overnight session but he changed it to a short coffee meeting.  

He tried to convince himself that I am not that dangerous to him. Not that attractive enough that he would derail his marriage. He thought, before the coffee, that I could be too dangerous. But after the coffee, he said to himself that I was not that dangerous. I wasn’t sure what to think of that. In essence, he was saying to me that I wasn’t as attractive as he thought I would be. And that’s OK. 

He just tried to convince himself that it’s ok to have me as a sub. It made me hurt, but again I acted as if I didn’t realise that. I wanted to be his sub and I still do. 

But he kept on thinking about it. Whilst he was genuinely busy and exhausted, he went back and forth about whether he should sleep with me.  He was trying to say to himself that he was losing interest in me so he shouldn’t start anything. 

This time it was really about sex and BDSM meet. 

There was no reason that he couldn’t plan something for one month or more in advance.  I asked him, what if I was not in the same state, but in another state and told him that I would be visiting on X-Y (a date around one month away)?  He kept his silence.  Of course, I am extremely busy, he is too, so there could be a chance that we had to cancel it at the very last minute, due to our work, but that was not what I was asking him.  That wouldn’t be an issue.  If I had to cancel it and if he got angry with it, I would’ve been sad that I misunderstood him.  A person who understands how important our works were. 

He kept on thinking about what would be the best way to manage this.  

I have been extremely busy working 15 hours or more 7 days a week. Almost no break.  But still, I wanted to think of a way for this to work.  

I said to him, if I can only meet once a quarter, that’s fine with me but he had to make some effort.   Think about what would work.  

However, I still think he is afraid of his own emotions and feelings and wants to pull back.   That hurts.  It hurts when I know that this is happening because he had some feelings for me.  It’s a privilege that someone like him was in some way falling for me.  It’s also sad if that’s the reason that he wanted to pull out again. 

And…I’m going to ignore what I said above till this point.   

How it would work best, isn’t only his decision to make.  He needed to be honest with me, and discuss what was his issue and how we think it would work.  He didn’t include me in the thought process.  Every time.  Whilst it was mainly about his feelings, I tried to stay out of it.  I looked down at the floor, and acted as if I didn’t notice.  Hoping that he wouldn’t. 

But he thought I didn’t notice it.  He didn’t think that I too had to think about all these and had to make a decision.  He undermined me.  He didn’t think that I would notice and could be hidden.  Everytime he tried to pull back, I was hurt because I noticed it happening.  I wasn’t that stupid not to notice it.   I wish I was.  If I was that stupid, this might not have happened at all, but on the other hand, he would’ve not chosen me as his sub.  

I can’t fuking change how he feels about me.  But I wish he just let me in to discuss any issues.

I might have a key to him.  He is likely to have a key to me. 

I’m not going to let either of us throw them away into an ocean.  

By extreme luck, by a chance, we found each other on the sea of the Internet.  By a post on Fet that I wasn’t even honest about what I wanted. 

 I’m not ready to let him go.  I will wait.  I am ready to wait.  But if I have been waiting for him all my life, why would I let him go? 

This isn’t a relationship that would throw a stone into his marriage.  That….I think he is overthinking.  This is about him having a lover and a sub. 

That’s how I look at it. I can look straight into his eyes and say to him, that’s what this is.  

Nothing more.  Nothing less.  

I may have tears in my eyes, but I do admit it.  But that’s all it is.  That’s what we have agreed.  

And no.  Just because I have sex with you and become a sub, I don’t change into something else.  

That’s what our relationship is.  Full Stop. 

Encounter

At 10 minutes before the agreed time, I’m standing at the corridor of a hotel.  For the hotel security team, I may look suspicious just standing here for so long.  So, I keep on looking at my mobile just to make it look like I’m reading something on it. 

I’m just staring at my screen.  The screen to wait for the change of time. 

There, a few metres from where I am, is the hotel room that you told me.  I can see it when I look up. 

It’s not too late to go back, I think.  He would understand if I don’t show up. I can go back, forget about him, and delete his number after blocking him….the angel in me says to me.

The devil reminds me of what we have talked about.  What he said he would let me experience.  What I said to him. 

The devil wins.  Sigh.  Of course.  I know it’ll be the fruit of a poisonous tree.  I can’t turn back if I experience it once.  

I said…please let me experience it only once.  I begged…..cried that it’ll be only once…but… 

I shake myself a bit to clear my head, ignoring the heat between my legs.  

Will he be nice to me? 

Aha.  

That was a stupid question to ask.  This is BDSM.  This is rough sex, at the least.  As I asked for. My thighs squeeze together in an effort to hold in the pleasure and stop myself from reaching between my legs. 

My analytical part is starting to fade.  I find my breath getting heavier.    Concentrate…I don’t want him to see that I’m so excited even before I see him. 

He, when not texting his fantasies is a gentleman. But I want to provoke him, I want to see his untamed beast come out.  It’s probably not going to happen, but still.  I can try, can’t I? 

I think I’m good at sucking a cock, but will he be happy with how I suck?  He obviously loves it and probably has been sucked by so many ladies.  Will I be up to it? Will I gag? Will I cry? When I suck, I get so concentrated that I may not listen to what he will say.  Will I be punished for it? 

Will he shove me against the wall? How will I feel? Scared? …No probably excited.  Too excited.  

I close my eyes for a second. 

I feel something along my thighs.  Oops.  It’s dripping….because you said no panties.  You won’t know that I was in two minds about this to the last minute.  

I’m afraid that I will disappoint him.  What if I don’t react to what he does? What if I don’t feel anything? and…what if he doesn’t like my body? 

..No…I’m already so hot.  I am already reacting. 

I dream of you yanking my head backwards.  I dream of you fucking me so hard that it hurts.  Hurts but I can’t stop loving it.  Being dominated by you.  Being fucked by you.  I dream about the pain you might inflict me. 

I dream of me being mesmerising by how you look at me.  The cold look.  The look that says he won’t care what I think. 

Will you bite? Will you pinch? Out of all the things we discussed, what will you do? 

Will I beg you for more pain? or will I beg you for your cock? Will I beg you to stop me coming further because I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore? 

I want to hear you grunt.  

I want to see that ‘look’ you gave me.  That primal look. 

A door opens and I look up.  

I see you looking right and left of the corridor.  And you wave at me.  You must have wondered what I was doing standing in the corridor. 

I turn off my mobile and put it in my handbag.  

I start walking towards you.  Wondering if you could smell that I am already aroused. 

…deep breath.  Enjoy this encounter.  Just for once.  Enjoy the BDSM and sex I dreamt of.  

Just this once. 

When it’s over, smile and leave the hotel room. Before the dawn.  

That’s my plan.  Act like a mature lady. 

….can I do that? 

You reach your arm to hold me.  To quickly take me inside. 

…Oh…..I’m………not sure

Dream

Damn.  I can keep cursing all day long. 

I’m so sexually frustrated. 

Dreamt of a BDSM encounter.  Based on his sexts and stories. 

In it, I was going nuts with pain and pleasure.  But feeling so cared for and guarded.  Just concentrating on what my body tells me, not what I ‘think’ about it. 

I was somewhat looking at myself objectively and sensed that I wasn’t worried about anything, including how I looked.  Because when I submit, I will be only concentrating on him.  That never happened before.  I always left a cool part of my mind so that I am not in danger.  That was the case even if I was with persons that I ‘trusted’.  So it shows how much trust I had in them. 

I also left it switched on because I didn’t want to emotionally get hurt.  

He was looking at me, with that ‘look’ I noticed when we met once.  Can see the fire in him.  That look excited me.  The look that I wanted to see. 

Yuck.  I don’t want to have a dream about it.  It’s just too much…..

It’s a very happy and the most wonderful dream – provided that I can stay in the dream. 

When I go to sleep, I’ve always used one or another sex scene scenario (usually the ones I made up in the bed), go into a fantasy world and get to sleep.  I don’t know what it is, but it probably took my mind off the ‘real’  world issues like work and made me go to sleep. 

Not sure why it was always a sex scene, like abduction, interrogation and escape. lol.  As I said in another post, it’s usually all three of these.  Interrogated, escape, caught and punished. 🙂 Even his scenario didn’t have all three combined. (how long do we need to do these? lol)

Probably just means I like to be pursued.  I hate to pursue someone.  Never did that. I didn’t have someone that I really wanted to pursue.  

So I had this abduction and interrogation scenario in my head.  Always.  It’s probably the same reason I like BDSM.  There is an intense connection.  One that the interrogator is only looking at me.  And I am looking at him, concentrating on his every move.  And pain, humiliation, brain games and sex.  All included. 

The intensity.  That’s what I love about BDSM, not just sex.  That’s what I love about rough sex (only imagining, though as I don’t have an experience). 

It was the happiest dream. 

Imagining his sex scene was so hot.  In the dream I was coming, but in real life, I can’t.  So sad.  Something is really wrong with me. 
—————-

I hope he will send me the script to deprogramme the hypnosis one he gave me and a video call if he wants to end all this.  I don’t want to end it, but…my voice isn’t probably heard. I might already be forgotten. 

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