So…mind fuck? Anyone?

I used to be a pain slut. Taking anything that the doms inflicted. I think I’ve experienced almost every major BDSM acts once.

Whilst I am still interested in certain impact plays, pains and pleasure, I’m now interested in mind fucks, and a person who will be able to do it.

But what’s that? I don’t think there is a clear definition.

Playing with someone’s mind. My mind. His mind.

Making me want the dom.

Making me only see and feel nothing but the dom.

Making me crave.

Make me beg.

Take me to the sub-space.

Make me do anything that what Dom wants me to do.

My sense heightened. Every skin tingling.

and…. make me his sub.

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But you know what? I can also play with the Dom’s mind.

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We are equal standing partners.

I can made Dom want me. Crave me.

Tease him with my skins.

Not obey him. Will I let him know that I have intentionally disobeyed? or make him think that I ‘accidentally’ disobeyed him?

What will my eyes show if I look straight into his eyes? arousal? fear? craving? fun?

What happens if I lower my eyes?

Can I or can’t I keep my smile?

How would I touch him? Can I make his sense tingle?

I’m teasing him with words too. He knows it. He plays along it.

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The game has began even before we have meet in person.

Who is mindfucking who?

This is such an intellectual, mind blowing game but we are treading on thin ice.

Do not overdo it. I say to myself. He is picking up every signal that I make.

I lick my lips. Yes. Good start. Indeed.

I have never met a person who can play eloquently as he does.

The real fun is the mind fuck that we will engage once we meet in person.

My work colleague, who is older than me, has extensive experience and probably more intelligent than me said to me that I was a rare person who was not afraid to challenge him, put a 🪢 (who knew there is a rope emoji?) around him and pull back, and put him in place if required.

I quietly chuckled. Setting aside that my dominant 😈 side has been probably surfacing without me knowing, my answer to him was that it was because I knew he respected my skills and opinions, he trusted me that I would speak up if he went down a wrong path, I knew that he would listen and he created a safe place for me to express my opinion.

Where is this leading in terms of BDSM?

‘Safe, sane and consensual’ – “safe” doesn’t just mean physically or mentally safe during the session. Safe place to discuss. Both of us. Before, during and after the session.

A dom needs to :

• create a place which makes me feel that I as a sub can safely discuss any issues with him; and
• trust that I will speak up about my needs and limits.

I will, at minimum:

• also create a space for dom to open up; and
• let any concerns known to the dom; and
• trust that the dom will listen and consider whatever I say.

It’s a negotiation, to be honest. Especially if we start from online exchanges. Kind of like a bridge game ♠️, but we not being partners, but on the opposite sides. We don’t show all of our cards at once but communicate what we are willing to negotiate. But ….first, you need to know that the person is speaking the same language. We will also be honest.

Why do I have to get so many messages on fetlife, with almost no substance, and wouldn’t want to reply even just to say ‘sorry, nope’? I just don’t understand. All those demeaning messages. Are they doing just to annoy me? (I agree my profile is very annoying to some) Another sub told me that she gets messages from potential doms who just sends sexual messages in the first message or a photo of his cock 🤔 (I always resist the urge to reply ‘oh smaller then I thought 🧐’ ). Or that the sub shouldn’t do 🙅🏻 something (yeah got that one myself too).

This time, I’ve set some hard limits to myself. It could be about BDSM. It could be about something else. Some are not even communicated to the potential dom. It’s my mental checklist. 📝

I expected that there should be some introduction to create a connection 👋🏻, just like any other SNSs. I’m quite sure that the person who has been communicating with, had similar expectations and lists with him too.

I did ask what the person likes in terms of BDSM in broader terms early on, just to check that we were not off too much. Let’s say if that person was into 🚽, we would’ve wasted our time. However, let’s get into that after at least the first introduction, shall we?

Then, there’s the issue of whether a safe environment for me to discuss more into details about what we each like has been created. There is no formula on how to create it. You can stay on fetlife anonymously communicating as long as you want. If either of us are easily dismissing things that the other had said, then a ❓ will start to appear.

In the space we I should be able to say “No” to something, and he should be able to say “I want to do this” to me too. Both of us should be able to say “I want to do this” or “No” without any fear of the private exchanges suddenly found somewhere on the Internet. We also don’t want to feel embarrassed if we say “I want to try/do this”.

Disclosure, is something that can’t be entirely controlled. Fetlife messages can be screenshot, your texts will be saved or forwarded. Your telephone/in person conversation can be recorded (illegal in Australia). So, it’s important that you stop if something is off. If the person wants a pic or your private parts, DON’T. (yuck…how many messages did I get about these?)

A police officer once threatened me to go public with the contents of my messages and take it my workplace to embarrass me. I said, do you actually know that right this moment, you committed a crime (under ABC law) and whilst I hadn’t told you I know your superintendent personally? He -😨😨😨😨😨😨

So a space that we know it would not leak out. Both of us know that whatever we say will be judgment free. If one wants to push the other, they still can. I know my words will not be used against me any unexpected manner (except to be used in the BDSM sessions and it’s not ‘unexpected’ as I planted some) or made public. I also know that I can say clearly 🆖 🆗🆒.  The same goes for the other person too.

Once the trust it earned, we are putting everything on the table. Let’s open all cards. There are several things I said, no to I don’t expect them to be brought up again. There are things we would like to explore. There are things that I wouldn’t normally consider but I would with this person. There are things we can’t decide until we have an in person session. Even for the last one, I know my safety won’t be compromised in anyway. I’ve also let this person do certain things that could’ve been in ‘no’ basket, but because I enjoyed it too and knowing that I can stop at anytime.

After we meet, I do know that we will chat about it in person but also continue the chat here.

So, has your BDSM partner created a space like that?

I just came across a so called ‘slave contract’. lol

For BDSM. Yep. It did appear on the Fifty Shades of Grey.

Wow. When I started to type “Fifty Shades of Grey contract” into google, it does suggest words like “text” “pdf” “word doc”. Really? Oh nooo. So people want to copy that contract that appeared in the novel/movie?

The one I saw was all about the dom/master side. What the sub will do, how she should please the dom, and that by signing, the sub agrees that any acts between them are consensual.

In one sense, it may be a turn on for the sub, that she is going into this bdsm ‘relationship’. Imagination flowing from what’s written.

Once….very long time ago, one of a dom who was a lawyer wrote it for me, but we both knew it was all for fun. I won’ t probably waste my time to write one up although I can. (Has any sub written one? Has any sub written one and demanded the dom to sign it without any change allowed like this dom? haha. that could be fun. Speak about topping from bottom! Should I try? lol no. I think I would only select a dom who may give it back to me with mark-ups. And we won’t stop going back and forth )

The contract is not enforceable anyway. Even if it says everything done is consensual, the police, the court and prosecutors can toss that out so easily. At least in England and in Australia. The Criminal law will override it too. There are certain human rights provisions that apply too. So bad news for doms who wants to rely on it when they step over the set boundaries.

It ‘may’ be useful for 24/7 relationship to define where the BDSM relationship starts and ends, and pauses.

I told this sub, no. This isn’t want you want to agree with dom in writing. No need to be in a contract form. It was also one way contract. To be signed only by the sub. Mmmm. So there is a contract with additional places where the sub can add info but dom doesn’t have to sign? Let’s not get into the contract law argument. Should I make an exam piece from this? (no, I won’t…but it’s tempting but I might lose the job….or will I? Contract law or criminal law?).

What sub needs to do, is:

• agree on safe word(s); gestures;
• work on hard limits – what you don’t want to be done.
• what you want to be done – probably start from here, and discuss thoroughly. Thoroughly meaning, includes what you mean by ‘rough”, ‘hard’ etc. Emotional limits. Emotional limits, meaning, if it’s something that may trigger your trauma, put in the hard limit category. Medical limits?
• What will you call each other?
• (whichever sexually active partner should get) tests.
• Any allergies?

I would rather suggest using a BDSM checklist of a sort, both the dom and the sub filling it and seeing where both people’s mind agree, and where there aren’t an agreement. You (sub) may have some activity that she has dreamt of, but dom may not have an experience, so in that case, both of you need to take it slowly.

It’ll be easier if both of you sit together and discuss in detail and take a note of it. As I said above, not every word means the same thing. ‘Rough’ means apple to dom and ‘rough’ means orange to sub. There is no meeting of minds here.

If you are a beginner, before going into the first session, discuss what is going to happen in the first session. Ask him to describe it. For example, if the dom says I want to tie you hands in the back. You may say to him, Ok but you have to be careful about my shoulder as I have an old injury. Is there going to be sex involved? Ask him to wear a condom. Ask him to take it slowly.

A dom says ‘let’s play it by ear’. OK for an experienced dom and an experienced sub. Like…I haven’t decided if I want bruising from a spanking/belt /cane (usually do), but depends on the night and I trust and know I can stop the dom, at any time so no issues for me.

Oh by the way, nothing to do with the BDSM contract, but once there was someone who wanted me to sign a non-disclosure contract. If anything, it needs to be mutual contract. Not one way.

Do I know what turns me on when it comes to kink or BDSM?

Yes and No.

How can I communicate them to a prospective dom?

There are hard limits.

• Anything that leaves a mark where others can see (permanent or not).
• Anything that will leave me not being able to do my day to day job (too ambiguous, isn’t it?).
• Decided to put denigration in a hard limit basket for now – until I feel that I can allow that with a right dom and feels it turns me on.
• Anything public (whether it can be seen from others or not).
• Anything that involves anyone other than the dom and I.
• Rope may be included here for a while. I don’t think my joints will take them well with my back, shoulder, knee and neck issues.
• Scat / urine /spit.
• Sex without condom under any circumstances.
• Sending the dom any pictures/videos of private parts or naked.

Then, there are things I want and soft limits that really depend on who I am with and how much I trust.

• forceful sex / mock rape – but what does it mean? Am I agreeing to sex even when I am not turned on and wet? Can there be a restraint? What kind of restraint is it? Rope in terms of shibari may be out, but then can there be rope to tie my wrists or arms? Will I agree for my mouth to be gagged? Do I trust that person that much? It went into a ‘soft limit’ basket after men took advantage and had sex without condom.
• Anal sex, toys – it goes into hard limit basket for anyone who is not experienced enough. I don’t want to do anything without a prep….and not sure everyone is aware of how much prep it takes on my side or else it’s so grose.
• not doing anything to me as a form of punishment? – not sure why this is a turn on for someone. Feel like they were lazy.
• spanking/cane/crops – again, the dom needs to be experienced especially for cane and crops.
• Crying and fear – Turns me on, but how can this be achieved? I haven’t met anyone who can dominate psychologically, so usually these comes from pain. Crying from pain and seeing dom being satisfied turns me on. Probably because I want to cry and go hysterical and scream in my non-BDSM life. I have too much self control that I never show to others. I need a place to let out my emotions without a control (on my side). Fear is ambiguous thing, as it needs to be achieved within confines of hard limit.
• Face slapping – so long as there’s no bruise or if others won’t notice that there’s something wrong, like swollen too much. Honestly not sure this turns me on.

However, my biggest turn on for me is seeing at dom who is getting satisfaction by what I do and how I react. His eyes. His erection. His emotion that is shown in his eyes and face. How dom sees me. Tone of his voice. His force and again emotion that I feel from my skin. For example, if he is fucking me or holding my wrists.

That has put me in a danger in the past as I almost took everything that dom did, even if that was not a turn on for me, at all.

I think I am older and wiser so I know I’d better keep my hard limits firm. However, I feel it’s so difficult as I know I take anything to see the dom’s satisfaction.

I also have a bad habit of igniting his anger if I can’t get what I want. For me, it’s so easy to ignite his switch. If what follows is anger and pain, I wanted it. Not a good sub, of course. I’m so afraid that I will repeat this with a dom I don’t want to lose. Stupid me, I think. But I can’t stop myself from playing that mindgame. Somewhere deep inside me, I feel like I want him to be mad at me as I have his attention.

I am communicating with a potential dom about what the limits are. But I don’t know….as if I think I want to be with the dom, I know I’ll say yes to it. Limits can be pushed, that is for sure. Where do I put a boundary? If I move my hard boundary because I wanted to see him be satisfied, how does that work? Will I regret it later?

Then the true question is….is it what we do that turns me on? or is it the dom?

Probably the answer is so apparent. Yes, it’s the dom.

The only dom who really turned me on was someone smarter than me (academically and street smart too). Others…I lied to myself. Just tried to substitute a deep, mental satisfaction I wanted with a pain so that I don’t have to think about anything.

Looking for a person who I can kneel. Someone who I can trust. Someone who I can respect. Someone who can be rough and take me out of the day to day world. Someone who can punish me. Someone I can let go of my control and hand it over. Really. Handover everything.

Not that easy. As doms won’t be fully responsible of me. Many aren’t looking for a BDSM to this extent.

I’m also not looking to be a 24/7 relationship, so how is this even possible?

Why do I prefer BDSM compared to vanilla sex?

I don’t have an answer to it, even after close to 25 years of experience (on and off).

Insecurity used to be the word that came to my mind.

I have very different personalities when at work and off work. Of course, off-work ‘me’ is the real me. Probably. Or is it?

Professional, intelligent, problem solver, tactful, fierce, protective of others – at work. One person described about me to another person by saying ‘the sharpest mind he’s worked with and does not back down if (I) need to protect (the company’s) interest’, and also warned others ‘do not be fooled by (my) soft way that (I) speak’ or by how I keep on smiling under pressure. A definition of a dominant personality, isn’t it?

It is so difficult when my nature is almost a flip image of me in the professional context. Quiet, wants to avoid confrontation and wants to be protected by someone, happy for someone else to make decisions for me.

Oh did I choose a wrong profession? Maybe.

In private life, beauty also matters. I am not a beautiful looking woman. As I said before, I’ve had weight issues all my life. So my insecurity has led me to BDSM thinking that it must be easier to find a person who would be interested in me. Whilst I believed this for a long time, I think I was fooling myself as I didn’t want to admit how much I loved BDSM.

It’s really….our taste. Just like we all have different taste about sex.

I noticed this when I was thinking a lot about the my recent exchanges of messages with a dom. Well… he is…not stupid. He will pick up any inconsistencies if there were any. Also, if I had made it clear to him that I won’t accept any lies from him, I shouldn’t as well.

Lots of questions from him. So that he can understand my limits and find out what I love to do, what I want to do and where he can push me. Meaning, I had to clearly admit to him that I like certain activities to the extent that I wasn’t ready to admit.

However, if I don’t answer these, how am I going to set my limits? I usually don’t set many limits but for some reason, I decided to set certain limits this time. I am feeling that we are equal. And it should be. If what I said isn’t what he expected, and if he doesn’t like my answer, he would leave and I will find someone else (I’m repeating this – don’t be a doormat!) . Also, being very specific about the answers I give are important too. What’s rough sex? (another post on this!) The answers will give him a starting point. Whether he wants to push the limit and whether I accept it being pushed is another separate matter for us.

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I want to hand over my total control whilst I am in the session to a right person. There is pleasure in letting the dom do whatever he wants and him getting pleasure out of me. The more intense the sessions we engage in are, the dom has to more carefully observe me and control what he does, or what I do. If he wants to push my limits, he would have to be more careful.

His whole attention is on me and only me.

My whole attention is on him. Using every senses that I have. Following every intuition. Whether it is a pain, pleasure, crying…everything, if done correctly will amplify what I feel. I can be honest with myself – enjoy sexual pleasure or cry like a child. I feel his strength and his emotions through where he touches me.

That’s why I didn’t like play parties and events too much.

Similar to how I carefully observe others when I’m at work, I observe what dom may be thinking when we are in the BDSM session. How is he reacting to what I said or what I did? Is he aroused? Is he upset? What can I do more to please him?

There is an element of a mind game. If I intentionally ignore or not follow his orders, will he pick it up and punish for it? How would I make it so subtle but still make him understand that it’s intentional? Or am I going to let him know that it’s intentional and be severely punished? Will he or will he not recognise this? How would I communicate what I want without telling him in words? What mood am I in today? Sometimes these are split moment decisions to make!

Unlike vanilla sex, BDSM is different from a person to person. I didn’t say ‘a couple (a pair of a dom and a sub)’. I change depending on who I am with. What I wear, how I act, what I allow him to do and what I do to him. Nothing is the same. It changes every time even with a same dom.

All these, with someone I respect and someone who respects me. It’s really intense. The intensity that I cannot get from vanilla sex.

I‘ve decided to move some of my notes from Fetlife as this will be more anonymous.

So, here is a brief intro about myself. I’m in late 40s, a submissive living in Australia. Currently I do not have a dominant, but I am not looking for one either.

So…what’s been my journey?

I started my BDSM voyage in my early 20s. Even before I had sex with anyone.

Long before there was the Internet, we had AOLs, ICQs and similar in my home country. I got hooked on the dark side of discussions that was not readily available other than going to adult shops or kinky clubs.

Of course, the most of the discussions were by male doms. Where I’ve been from, a rope bondage was seen as a form of art. Not really sure why I was so intrigued by BDSM. However, there were absolute ‘masters’ in the field. BDSM was still underground activities. Although I was a sub, they taught me what I needed to know. What to look out for a master/dom, when was dom pushing too much, what to use – rope, candles, needles, canes, crops, single tails. It was more about ‘if a dom does X, that is too much, so use a safe word and stop’.

I was into pains and rope bondage at the time. They may not have been my choice as I was guided by people whom I met through these online forums.

Moved to Australia in my early 30s. After my life has settled down, started looking for doms. Met a dom, became a vanilla girlfriend and then a farewell. I worked as a professional dom as well. I think I was a good dom, but I guess I was, and has been really a sub, from the bottom of my heart.

I went to some parties, but the parties didn’t really click with me.

Coming from where the BDSM was an underground and dark culture, I guess I never got used to people actively and openly engaging in BDSM activities. For me, a BDSM is something that I engage in privately only with my dom and myself.

In my ‘vanilla’ life, I am a professional and a senior level manager. I am quiet and reserved by my nature, but I am seen as a tough negotiator and lead a team of professionals. I know when I first started working, there were emails going around male colleagues that they don’t need to go to a BDSM club, because you can find a dom here in the office. (naughty, aren’t they? old days these were still allowed!) So, in my professional life, I am more of a dom. However, I can’t live that life 24 hours.

So my aim is to find someone intelligent, smart (oh no. academic grades themselves won’t be enough), mature and I can look up to.

Someone I can trust.

Someone who will accept me for who I am.

Someone that when I am subbing, I can hand over myself….completely.

Someone that will not be overpowered by my strong and dominant nature.

Someone who can make me scream. Take me to a sub space.

Someone who can take me roughly.

However, someone who will care about me.

Someone already in a vanilla relationship will be difficult as I want as much attention as possible. Even in non BDSM life. I cannot separate out my vanilla sex and BDSM life so someone who can dominate both will be great.

I don’t know whether I will ever meet someone like that. I’m not in a hurry.

I’d rather wait than being in a private place with a wrong dom.

Yes. I had some instances that I didn’t screen potential doms enough. I wanted a BDSM and sex that day, so met up with horrible doms. Regret.

I’m not young anymore, so probably what I would engage in terms of BDSMs will be different. I don’t think I can tolerate the pains I experienced in my early 20s.

It’s going to be very interesting what kind of BDSM I will engage in, when and if, I meet my dom.