Wow. I neglected to write for such a long time.

My focus recently has been on my professional life. For the past five years, I have been extremely busy. Always hard at it. Putting in 12-15 hour days, seven days a week. It’s just my life. I’ve worked like that for….almost all my adult life.

In the past, I have never given much thought to my position or career advancement. If the role pays for me to live by myself, in this city of Sydney which is very expensive to live, and take care of my expensive health issues, that was enough. Often, I didn’t push hard enough for a higher position title.

That changed. When I moved roles 7 years ago, it was because my boss resigned, a new boss arrived, she didn’t want me who…if I can say it myself, was very liked and highly valued. I was kicked out because she feared that I might take over (so stupid…yep, maybe in few years time but it wasn’t that imminent). This repeated itself two years later. But I refused to be kicked out. So, all my promotion was refused, I was to choose between my promotion or another junior, underrated person’s promotion (whom I fought for the promotion)…etc. I think it was also at this role that I thought my voice may not be heard when there is no adequate title was attached.

Oh well. I got what I wanted, the title. But then, there is another thing. It’s called a ‘bamboo ceiling’. It used to be a glass ceiling, but there is another one. I’m not sure what to do. I tried not to blame my race, or the fact that I was living alone in a foreign country when something doesn’t go as I had wished. It’s easy to do so, but that means so many choices I made were wrong. However, with more senior title, came the hostility, racism, sexism which are so close to crushing me.

So, busy as it may be, I failed to take into account my own desires in my personal life

There has always been this weird thing about my BDSM life. The desire to submit just seems to rise up from within me whenever my professional life is relatively stable. I don’t know. It’s also possible that my work-related stress is to blame.

I hadn’t had any sex for….maybe more than 5 years. I was so fed up that I went online in search of a sexual partner to relieve my stress. In spite of the number of people with whom I’ve communicated, none of our conversations have been particularly noteworthy. I didn’t get any vibes that this was the right person. I was also apprehensive because the last time I had this urge, it ended badly.

One day, I found myself desperately craving the kind of intense sex that would allow me to temporarily shut out the world. I chose one person that I have been messaging, asked if we could meet on that day, and we met. Oh, well, thank goodness he wasn’t a dangerous predator. Great sex, slightly a dominant man. He treated me so well. He will look only at me when we are together. e has enough intelligence to carry on a conversation, but that wasn’t quite enough. To have sex and to be exhausted and forget about any stress – may be he is good enough. But probably it’s not submission that I wanted. BDSM as something to spice up sex, yes. Submission No. He also lies thinking I won’t find out. That’s a big no from me. Will he stop lying if I be exclusive like he wants me to? Not in my opinion.

In other words, “it” was absent. Inquiring minds want to know: what is it?

Really, I have no idea. For as long as I try to explain it, I will never be able to do it justice. Do you think it would help if I used the other language I know to explain it?Yes…in the sense that there are so many intricate words and expressions that are not available in English, so maybe.

It’s hard to find someone who wants to dominate me but also appreciates me for who I am. A person’s desire to treat me well, care about me, and treat me as an equal usually indicates that they have a hard time dominating me if I choose a good person, and if that person respects me outside of sex and BDSM.

Should I bow down to whom? Was I ever submissive to another person? … The thought occurred to me the other day. Even though BDSM was a regular part of my sex life, that extra element was what made things interesting for me. As I wrote before, I needed the command, I needed to be allowed to enjoy sex. I needed someone who will find me attractive sexually, and being overweight all my life (recently found the reason….I wish I had found it out 20 years ago!), I didn’t think I would fine someone who thought I was attractive in vanilla life. (oh….I think there were quite a number of my colleagues and classmates who were fond of me, but if I were to put a label on them, I was probably the dominant one. lol)

There was one person who I really admired and wanted to submit but guess what? He chose to be my boyfriend rather than a dominant so I didn’t really submit.

Sometimes I feel like something is lost in online messaging as I try to sift through the wacky messages that keep landing in my inbox and usually trying to delete from time to time. Properly write. Logical. I don’t want a one liner or just ‘hi’ or a dick photo…..Even worse would be if they insisted on seeing my photo first. And someone I admire. Smart. Have integrity, values and moral. Trustworthy. Someone who thinks but also tries to communicate what they are thinking. Imagination. Takes me to his world – where I want to be.

I am a thinker. Also I want to communicate what I am thinking to the other person. Because as much as I can put the pieces together and imagine what I think the person person is thinking (which may be right or incorrect) I won’t know until the other person say yes or no. The more intelligent a person is, the more confident they are that they have arrived at the correct conclusion, because they are correct more often than not in their everyday lives, with their friends, families, and workplaces. This is a problem I’ve had with previous partners. I know that I have that tendency too. But that’s because …we know who we are dealing with. When you don’t know the other person well enough, or when there are so many assumptions, it’s dangerous to assume you are correct.

The thought process was so entangled that unravelling it was a…. challenge. They didn’t want to accept they were wrong. When I try to communicate as accurately as I can, it ends up like a 3,000 words message…so the other person needs to read or more precisely, someone who is willing to read. lol.

I don’t have that quirk of wanting to be dominated by someone who is less intelligent than me, regardless of how attractive they may be. lol. So smart, someone I can look up to, lean on to and really a mirror image of me with more dominance.

Someone who understands me and let me be ‘me’ in the bedroom. Enjoys me who is enjoying the sex with him. Set me free at his order. Someone I can listen to and obey instructions from as well.

“There isn’t just one “it” here. A multiple things makes up that “it”. Will I find someone? Maybe it was too late. I feel it was wrong that I sought it and sought to enjoy the sex. It was wrong to find someone I can submit. It feels like the end of my sex and BDSM life. I still have sexual urges that are difficult to suppress because I’m terrified of acting irrationally.

So…can I find someone with ‘it’?

I have asked for the help of hypnosis a number of times in my life.

A counsellor used it. There is my favourite hypnotist on iphone apps (it worked till he changed the background music!!! It now just doesn’t work for me!).

To some extent, I can self hypnotise myself (I think…and everyone can, can’t you?). Of course, When you are self hypnotising, no induction etc, you jump right into it. My ex boss said that her father was a doctor who uses hypnosis and the father taught her to self hypnotise so she said she was pain free when she gave birth to her kids…

Then, a partner used hypnosis for sexual context. He could’ve charged for it, he was really good. Helped to ‘some extent’ for me to enjoy sex. I think for the first time, I released myself (a bit….I’m so stubborn, I can control how much the hypnosis can work). We used hypnosis to put ourselves in unusual sex scenes. …OK a word of caution, if you want to come up with a scene, make sure you know them well. If you describe a scene and I’m thinking …’no….XYZ wasn’t there at that time in that country’, it may not work as intended. LOL

We see many forums and posts about hypnosis on Fetlife forums and posts. There seem to be a lot of people who want to know about it, and who want to use them. But how?

I put an ad on the fet on erotic hypnosis groups seeking a hypnotist in the BDSM context. When I wrote it, I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted. Many wrote to say that they can do online hypnosis, online texts and people from other countries replied too.

As you know from my previous posts, then I found S.

He is knowledgeable about hypnosis. He can use hypnosis in the traditional sense. With induction, etc. But he is not as good as the previous partner. And that’s fine as that wasn’t his strength.

I can choose to believe to be hypnotised. I can choose not to.

He didn’t ‘hypnotise’ me until he gained my trust. When he decided to hypnotise me and when I decided to choose to be hypnotised, he hypnotised me and I chose to follow him. The hypnosis is still working. I’m sometimes too suggestive. I always have an issue getting out of the hypnosis.

So back to hypnosis and BDSM.

Where S was good with, was his imagination, his vocabulary and his story telling skills. Also an ability to read and work spontaneously with me if the story telling involves a response from me. I might be cheeky and being wholly aware of what responses he may have been waiting from me, I might decide to change it. Then he needs to think on the spot. He may have to improvise. I am a very difficult person, so if there is any contradiction in the story, I might go….’uh…..that may not work….’

So where am I heading? Hypnosis is not only about induction and making someone do whatever you want the person to do like you see on the TVs and online.

Telling a convincing story and making me immerse into the scene is hypnosis as well. I think. And it’s not as easy as the ‘hypnosis’ you all think of.

It’s a kind of roleplay. Even though every time, I was playing BDSM, I was role playing, I never thought of such. Till I played with S online. Mainly texts. We only played once via voice. Of course, it may have helped that we were only playing via texts. Then he could, and I could use our imaginations. What we were imagining might have been different, but it worked. Maybe it will be a little different if we were to be in a room face to face. Then, I will have to imagine that I am wearing a certain costume. Imagine that he is too. Will it be more difficult than plain text role playing? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.

What makes in person play hot, is his voice. His heat. His emotion triggers a chain reaction in my body. Then that triggers his excitement. That….we can’t do simply by texts or voices.

Even a simple CNC scene, that we discussed a lot before actually playing, is hypnosis. How much S could take me into the scene, and make me immerse into the scene, how he could make me really aroused and make me want him….as if he was in front of me….is ‘hypnosis’.

There are people who can role-play, of course. As I said, when people are playing BDSM, people are role-playing their roles in the scenes.

But the difference is the degree. Dragging me into the scene in a matter of minutes and controlling how my body reacts is hypnosis.

With his own ‘hypnosis’ skills, he was able to almost make me feel as if he was holding me down. As if he has tied me. As if I could hear his voice. Warm. Teasing. His pleasure. Pulled my fair. Strong. Feeling his penetration. The pleasure spread through my body. Climaxing. As if I could feel him being please when he said he was ‘pleased’. CNC without fears. Getting excited instead of scared.

If we were to actually use ropes, I may feel that the rope is too tight or my shoulders hurt. Of course, that’s still a part of BDSM, but this story telling hypnosis made me feel what I want to feel from the scene. If I want to choose to feel the tight rope, I can. If I want to feel him touching me, I could.

It may not be traditional hypnosis, but this hypnosis through his imagination….that’s the BDSM I want. Someone who could take me into his world of imagination that I want to be taken into. Don’t forget. That is what I want and that is why it works. I agreed and I wanted to be taken to his world and immerse myself in it.

If we were to do this face to face in a BDSM session, I am sure his voice, the voice I love, would guide me into that world.

When I say I want someone to use hypnosis with BDSM, that’s what I want.

It’s not easy to find someone who could do this.

Needless to say, he could take me into his world, because he had obtained my trust. I decided to trust him and be guided into his imaginary world.

It’s not easy as you think….

Sigh. June is gone (almost).

What a month it has been for me.

I changed jobs mid May. From day 1, I worked worked worked worked. 8-9 hours overtime every day plus working on weekends.

My boss tried to stop me and she is worried.

I think, after being dumped by S, I needed a distraction. So that I don’t think about it. I think this job change itself was a distraction that I got myself into, because on the day that I was going to have a coffee with the managers from this company, he dumped me. I can’t even remember how I got through that day.

I’m used to working like this. I’ve done it for 30 years, yet it was tough. I don’t know the reason why it was so tough. Maybe I’m getting old. Maybe it’s because I was doing it because I had to, but more to distract myself.

Our company allowed the employees to work from home if they wanted to, and my role is something I can work from home full time if I want to. Although, I needed the ‘distraction’ so it was nice to go into the office from time to time. In the short time that I started working with my boss, I quickly became her trusted adviser. She needed someone with my experience and skills so much, and now she got me. It’s such a small team and company that there are so many things to do. So much to fix. I am a person who bulldozes through and fixes stuff. That’s been my worklife for nearly 30 years. I love to fix what’s not working.

But I just couldn’t cope. I was breaking down at home alone. I was breaking down in front of her.

I know I was thinking about S’ slip up in the chat which said he was my man. But the fact that he didn’t want to continue on the chat meant it really was a ‘slip up’. He said he needed to go for a while, as he used to say but didn’t come back that day.

However, accepting that meant the short sexual play we did on that same chat after that slip up was….again, just that. I was used and played. He wasn’t thinking of rekindling but just wanted some fun in the spur of the moment. I’m sure that he was embarrassed with what he did and that meant he would walk away again. This was an issue. I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed but he would’ve and would’ve not wanted to discuss and would’ve wanted to act like nothing happened. The exact opposite of what I wanted. I just wanted him.

In my private side, it was a turmoil. My dad found stage 4 cancer, cancer metastasis is the word, I think? Did chemo etc. For many reasons, I don’t get along with my dad. But my family are asking why I’m not coming back to my country and visit him before it’s too late. Well…I do not want to, and I also will probably not go to his funeral. That would mean that I won’t be reconciling with dad, but that’s a burden I have to live with. My dad was one of the reasons why when I started to think about getting into a BDSM relationship with S, I nearly pulled out. So many times. If it wasn’t S, I would’ve pulled out. Whilst I want him now, I still wonder if it’s a good idea or not. That’s why i keep on thinking about just one night with him.

That was a tough choice (deciding not to go back) as I saw dad wanting to reconcile. I know I still have time, but no. I cannot smile and forgive what he did to me. Even though that’s what is expected.

I lived like that. A soft smile was my mask for me to hide. At work. In my personal life. Even when I was chatting online via video with S. I quietly observe and notice a lot of things and I am supersensitive about how another person feels about me. But usually, I act as if I noticed nothing.

Behind the mask, I bite my lips but usually say nothing (so the fact that I sent nagging emails is another surprising thing for me. very unlike me). I cry in private. LIving in a foreign country by myself hasn’t been easy. I’m reserved. I’m an extreme introvert. But…funnily I was vocal when something was not right and I speak up about others being treated unfairly, I just didn’t speak up for myself.

But not for my parents. I can’t smile and act like nothing happened. I can be very logical if I want to (OK a weird way to say it). Means, if I want to just shatter someone so bad that they can’t argue back or make excuses, I can. I know I would do it to my parents. I think I partly did it to S as well. Sometimes I corner people too much from my anger.

Then…..the Fet. Oh my….I don’t know where to start. So, S blocked me when we broke up. Of course. Then one day, browsing through Fet, I find my ex boss asking for partners……my mind went blank. There are possibilities that we would work together again given it’s a very small industry due to specialised knowledge required. My profile had a part of my name. I had a face blurred photo on it. At least my race can be ascertained.

It’s easy to say – if he’s on there, why bother? Yes…..of course. And when I think about it, one day late in the office, he and another colleague were talking about sexual stuff (interesting that they thought I won’t say anything…) and there was something that made me stop and think whether he knows about BDSM…. anyway, I didn’t want any more headaches.

So ditched that one, created a new profile. Then, I posted a personal ad. I don’t know why….just a distraction? Or I really wasn’t thinking anything. I had plans to copy over the writings, link it to this website etc…but just didn’t have time to.

One day, I get a notification that I got a message from……S. I look at the notification and realise that it’s the new profile I created. I go check out the message. And he wrote so eloquently again.

I thought….if I didn’t reply to his original message to me the last year, I would’ve replied to this in a heartbeat. Although….I thought some parts were his tactic to get ladies to feel special. Damn. I got tricked by that for sure!

Anyway, I thought for a moment saying nothing to S. But my mind raced and the only thing I could think of, was….I need to tell him……I wasn’t angry that he was messaging others…just that I need to. Stupid me.

I message S and waited for him to come online. He did.

Then, the second mistake. He was in a mood to probably play online sexting so I should’ve taken that path. BUT, stupid me just thinking about ‘I need to tell him’ …I told him.

….Yeah. You get it. He didn’t like it. He thought I made a trap even after I told him why I had created a new profile.

I then, when I was calmer, went back to his new message and notice that he said he hypnotised ‘women’ (i.e. plural) face to face from late last year….so I’m crying that I wasn’t the only one he was messaging when we started to exchange messages. I was crying I wasn’t the one whom he hypnotised face to face so who?

Anyway. It’s too much. I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating. I’m breaking down.

These are all too much for me to take. I’m exhausted. I can’t take this anymore. If I’m exhausted this much, not sure why my body wants to feel someone’s strong force on my skin.

Will a pain confirm that I’m alive?

Will a pleasure make me want to live my life again?

Sometimes, I feel like I don’t want to wake up from sleep. Just don’t want to think about anything. Like tonight. It’s….just too much. Crying for no reason thinking I can’t take it, whatever it is, exhausts me. Living like this every day exhausts me.

I cry about my stupidity that I had some chances of getting S back and lost them.

I don’t feel like I want to try anymore. About everything.

I don’t know what to write. I thought about not writing. I thought about writing.

Then I didn’t know what the title should be.

S.

As you could see from my past posts, I am not the type of person who opens up easily. To anyone. I have two best friends, one never having met in person because she is in the USA and I connected with her online. Weird, isn’t it? But it’s true. She left me once because I didn’t give up about S and she kept on telling me that he is not good, or toxic for me.

And one here in Australia who stood by me.

We all three are foreigners living in a country where they weren’t born, without family, living independently. Maybe that’s why I connected with them.

They warned. So many times. They are the only two people who know about my kink (just that I am into it) and who know that I met him through the kink website. They didn’t care about kink. They were initially very happy for me, but for various other reasons warned me to stop.

Back to S.

This time, I wanted to do something differently. I…wanted to be me. Previously, even as a sub, I was acting the sub that the dom wanted. If within my hard limits, I agreed to almost everything. It didn’t matter if I enjoyed it or not. Whilst I say so, it was usually more on the side that I was playing with people who liked softer plays. Somehow, I’m sure that I was trying to protect myself here. That meant I wasn’t really enjoying the BDSM.

Because sometimes, I just longed for harsher plays that would take me to a trance that I can immerse myself in the moment. The Dom will be only looking at me and my reactions. My every sense will be following every move of the Dom. His movement, his breathing, any sound that he makes or does not make. Thinking how I would look to him, what I was expected to do.

Saying that, it’s a very intense play. I will be opening up every part of me to him. I need to be honest with him. It’s not a play that every Dom wants. It’s not a play that I want to engage with any Dom.

The funny thing is that when I first dipped my toe into the BDSM in the country I came from, I jumped into the deep end. I was just lucky that I was engaging with the masters who were highly skilled at this. They are the masters who we have lost. An old generation Doms. I was so lucky that none took advantage of me.

Anyway, for some reason, and for the first time in 30 years, I wanted to engage in that kind of intense BDSM. Whether the play itself involves an intense/harsh play (e.g. pain wise) or not, is not the issue. I wanted to find someone who could dominate me in such a way.

I also wanted to enjoy sex. Weird, isn’t it? I finally was able to admit that I can’t enjoy sex without BDSM and domination. And I wanted to enjoy sex. I’d never admitted that I want sex and enjoy it. It’s my upbringing. This time, I wanted to.

I wanted to only engage with a Dom who I can look up to, admire and respect. No more pretending that I was feeling such. No acting. Trying to act like I respect the Dom when I don’t ….is a burden in itself. I also wanted the Dom to dominate who I am. Not a sub who was acting. Moreover, I wanted someone who wouldn’t let me act even if I wanted to. I’m a complex person. I’m so dominant in my day-to-day life and inside, I’m so submissive.

Then met S as I’ve written before. He was good at making me talk honestly about what I want. Whilst I did make up my mind that I wanted to be honest, it wasn’t easy. He gave me a space where I could express myself. Freely. Judgment free, he said. I told what I had been dreaming for. For 30 years. What I wanted. How I wanted. Expressing myself as much as I could.

However, I revealed too much about myself. A slut who would do anything for pleasure and pain wasn’t what he wanted. How I wanted to be dominated by him. Wanted rough sex by him.

He somehow was able to make me feel relaxed and it’s Ok to come. This was weird. I’d never come. So how did it happen? I don’t know.

But I think….it was just a game for him. He enjoyed that he could control me so easily. That meant he had nothing to conquer any more. I seemed to have suddenly become a nuisance for him. I was lost.

I was worried about so many things. But he was not the type of person who wants to discuss. He makes his own decisions and nothing could change his mind. I saw so many issues that I wanted to discuss with him, but we didn’t have time, and he didn’t even have time to text.

In the hindsight, I should’ve sent the email then, not now. For some reason, I didn’t want to because these were things that we should discuss face to face (video or in person), not write. Whilst I can write, nothing beats a discussion, and untangling realtime was what was needed. I kept on waiting for him to come over to where I lived so that I could discuss my concerns.

But we didn’t and the worst thing I had feared happened. He just lost interest in me.

---

All the online interactions with him ignited a small fire of sex in myself. That was momentarily extinguished when I was playing by sexts and voices with him.

When we stopped to communicate….because he said that he had lost interest in me, I could not cope. The problem was that we haven’t played together. We haven’t slept together.

I felt like I failed again. In a different way.

I trusted him too much. I told him too much about myself. The fact that there is a person out there who knows about this much, and about sex and BDSM, was a fear. Unbelievably scary thing.

I also wanted sex so much. Probably because I was thinking about it so often since I started to talk to him online.

But it can’t be anyone. I know how I’m not ‘normal’. It needed to be combined with BDSM, and it needs to be rough sex. The rougher the better. It takes a lot of time to build up the trust that’s necessary to let the man do that to me, and also to tell them that that’s what I want. I don’t think I would do this ever again.

Many would say, there will be someone else. No. It took me 30 years to be honest but if this is the result, I don’t want to reveal so much about myself. I just can’t. I now feel so embarrassed that I told him that much. I shouldn’t have. All my dreams about sex /BDSM. Telling him what I wanted him to do to me. What I dreamt of. How hot I got with his sexts and stories. It’s the words I can’t take back from my mouth or my texts.

I cried and cried for losing someone I wanted as my Dom. I cried more about my embarrassment telling him too much.

***

Early this month, I was writing something on a chat with him. He wasn’t reading them, so I don’t know why I used it as a dumping ground to write about my sexual needs and BDSM. maybe I thought one day, if he feels like it, he would come and read.

Then when I didn’t imagine, S logged on.

He wrote…..if I wanted a man, he is.

What? What am I reading? He said he had some wines, but…I don’t think that would’ve made him write something like this. We had a bit of a chat, he gave me a command to come, and I did.

Whether he meant it or not, I should’ve stopped there. I got confused, but the issue was that my skin, my heart, my brain, everything wanted that strong sensation of coming by his command. The things that I tried not to imagine and forget….imagining about his domination and sex….is back.

There is something in me that is difficult to control. I want sex. I want to be dominated. And I want now. I cry and cry and I just want it uncontrollably. It’s almost difficult to push them down. I can’t come by masturbating. I can’ come by toys.

Then, you know what? I used some dirty words that I’d never used before and sent him messages because I really couldn’t (and can’t) stop my thirst….my….longing for rough sex.

S said it’s disturbing.

I was actually surprised when I wrote those messages to him, because I didn’t even think I could write like that. I probably got too easy with him and thought I can say anything but he was disgusted. And that made me realise what I said. I revealed myself too much. Again. I still don’t know how I trust him too much. But those were my true feelings.

I want sex so badly.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve never wanted sex so much in my life. I don’t care if I come with the sex because I know I want to physically feel someone. But for multiple reasons, I know I can’t have sex with anyone.

I want to go back to the time that I didn’t have this much sexual thirst. I used to push down these when I had them. But I can’t. I just can’t now and it’s so painful.

It’s partly wanting to come and get a release, but more than that, I feel like my skin wants to be dominated and taken roughly. Emptying my mind.

It’s not peaceful sex I want, either.

I can’t control it and I never had this much longing for sex. I feel like I’ve gone crazy.

Probably, having sex with S once and not coming will stop it. Silly as it may be, I can stop myself from coming and if I don’t come even with S, I can give up….haha….not making sense. But I do think so. If he can’t make me come, noone can. Can I stop me from coming? I hope so to give up sex.

I’ve opened Pandora’s Box but I don’t see any hope left at the bottom of my box.