En attendant

Wow. I neglected to write for such a long time.

My focus recently has been on my professional life. For the past five years, I have been extremely busy. Always hard at it. Putting in 12-15 hour days, seven days a week. It’s just my life. I’ve worked like that for….almost all my adult life.

In the past, I have never given much thought to my position or career advancement. If the role pays for me to live by myself, in this city of Sydney which is very expensive to live, and take care of my expensive health issues, that was enough. Often, I didn’t push hard enough for a higher position title.

That changed. When I moved roles 7 years ago, it was because my boss resigned, a new boss arrived, she didn’t want me who…if I can say it myself, was very liked and highly valued. I was kicked out because she feared that I might take over (so stupid…yep, maybe in few years time but it wasn’t that imminent). This repeated itself two years later. But I refused to be kicked out. So, all my promotion was refused, I was to choose between my promotion or another junior, underrated person’s promotion (whom I fought for the promotion)…etc. I think it was also at this role that I thought my voice may not be heard when there is no adequate title was attached.

Oh well. I got what I wanted, the title. But then, there is another thing. It’s called a ‘bamboo ceiling’. It used to be a glass ceiling, but there is another one. I’m not sure what to do. I tried not to blame my race, or the fact that I was living alone in a foreign country when something doesn’t go as I had wished. It’s easy to do so, but that means so many choices I made were wrong. However, with more senior title, came the hostility, racism, sexism which are so close to crushing me.

So, busy as it may be, I failed to take into account my own desires in my personal life

There has always been this weird thing about my BDSM life. The desire to submit just seems to rise up from within me whenever my professional life is relatively stable. I don’t know. It’s also possible that my work-related stress is to blame.

I hadn’t had any sex for….maybe more than 5 years. I was so fed up that I went online in search of a sexual partner to relieve my stress. In spite of the number of people with whom I’ve communicated, none of our conversations have been particularly noteworthy. I didn’t get any vibes that this was the right person. I was also apprehensive because the last time I had this urge, it ended badly.

One day, I found myself desperately craving the kind of intense sex that would allow me to temporarily shut out the world. I chose one person that I have been messaging, asked if we could meet on that day, and we met. Oh, well, thank goodness he wasn’t a dangerous predator. Great sex, slightly a dominant man. He treated me so well. He will look only at me when we are together. e has enough intelligence to carry on a conversation, but that wasn’t quite enough. To have sex and to be exhausted and forget about any stress – may be he is good enough. But probably it’s not submission that I wanted. BDSM as something to spice up sex, yes. Submission No. He also lies thinking I won’t find out. That’s a big no from me. Will he stop lying if I be exclusive like he wants me to? Not in my opinion.

In other words, “it” was absent. Inquiring minds want to know: what is it?

Really, I have no idea. For as long as I try to explain it, I will never be able to do it justice. Do you think it would help if I used the other language I know to explain it?Yes…in the sense that there are so many intricate words and expressions that are not available in English, so maybe.

It’s hard to find someone who wants to dominate me but also appreciates me for who I am. A person’s desire to treat me well, care about me, and treat me as an equal usually indicates that they have a hard time dominating me if I choose a good person, and if that person respects me outside of sex and BDSM.

Should I bow down to whom? Was I ever submissive to another person? … The thought occurred to me the other day. Even though BDSM was a regular part of my sex life, that extra element was what made things interesting for me. As I wrote before, I needed the command, I needed to be allowed to enjoy sex. I needed someone who will find me attractive sexually, and being overweight all my life (recently found the reason….I wish I had found it out 20 years ago!), I didn’t think I would fine someone who thought I was attractive in vanilla life. (oh….I think there were quite a number of my colleagues and classmates who were fond of me, but if I were to put a label on them, I was probably the dominant one. lol)

There was one person who I really admired and wanted to submit but guess what? He chose to be my boyfriend rather than a dominant so I didn’t really submit.

Sometimes I feel like something is lost in online messaging as I try to sift through the wacky messages that keep landing in my inbox and usually trying to delete from time to time. Properly write. Logical. I don’t want a one liner or just ‘hi’ or a dick photo…..Even worse would be if they insisted on seeing my photo first. And someone I admire. Smart. Have integrity, values and moral. Trustworthy. Someone who thinks but also tries to communicate what they are thinking. Imagination. Takes me to his world – where I want to be.

I am a thinker. Also I want to communicate what I am thinking to the other person. Because as much as I can put the pieces together and imagine what I think the person person is thinking (which may be right or incorrect) I won’t know until the other person say yes or no. The more intelligent a person is, the more confident they are that they have arrived at the correct conclusion, because they are correct more often than not in their everyday lives, with their friends, families, and workplaces. This is a problem I’ve had with previous partners. I know that I have that tendency too. But that’s because …we know who we are dealing with. When you don’t know the other person well enough, or when there are so many assumptions, it’s dangerous to assume you are correct.

The thought process was so entangled that unravelling it was a…. challenge. They didn’t want to accept they were wrong. When I try to communicate as accurately as I can, it ends up like a 3,000 words message…so the other person needs to read or more precisely, someone who is willing to read. lol.

I don’t have that quirk of wanting to be dominated by someone who is less intelligent than me, regardless of how attractive they may be. lol. So smart, someone I can look up to, lean on to and really a mirror image of me with more dominance.

Someone who understands me and let me be ‘me’ in the bedroom. Enjoys me who is enjoying the sex with him. Set me free at his order. Someone I can listen to and obey instructions from as well.

“There isn’t just one “it” here. A multiple things makes up that “it”. Will I find someone? Maybe it was too late. I feel it was wrong that I sought it and sought to enjoy the sex. It was wrong to find someone I can submit. It feels like the end of my sex and BDSM life. I still have sexual urges that are difficult to suppress because I’m terrified of acting irrationally.

So…can I find someone with ‘it’?

Vulnerable and being a sub

I despise making someone I can’t let go of.

Also, I don’t think a guy would really want me. Sexually.
I’m far from sexually appealing.

Maybe that’s why I stepped into BDSM world 30 years ago.
If this is BDSM universe, I reasoned, someone ‘may’ look at me.
Maybe I’m sexually attractive to someone, I thought.

I also liked that there was negotiations.
Whom I allow access to my body and mind is entirely up to me.

Because of this, the one and only time I failed to negotiate adequately, sex felt like a violation.
For the most part, I ignored it, figuring that I was to blame.
That, I didn’t negotiate enough.
That couldn’t have happened – because I am a negotiator at work.

That hurt me, because I felt like I let myself down.
I should have negotiated better, I thought.
It took me some time to recover from the trauma of that day.
It was easier to blame myself.

As soon as a person who is interested in me sexually gets close, I immediately back away.
To myself, I say. That simply isn’t plausible. This man would hurt me.
Just like before.

Whenever a person tells me they don’t find me sexually attractive.
I’m a wreck. I am in shambles.
With a nod and say “I get it,” I wave him off.
It’s easier that way.

As if I weren’t used to it already.

I tell myself.
I can’t have someone that I can’t afford to lose.
It’s easier that way.

My heart craves for a dominant who will look at me.
Who I am.
Strong, independent but also lonely and frail.
Someone who understands me as a sub, who desires to be dominated, protected and being sexually wanted.

Maybe it’s for the best if I never get to meet my Dom.

I can’t have a person I can’t let go.
I can’t show hidden me to anyone.

If I know what it is like to be protected, it’s going to be tough.
I can’t be vulnerable.

I know I would start to want more.

I want my Dom.

It’s better I don’t. I try to say.
I don’t want to be seen desperate.

Only a person who understands me can be my Dom.
Nobody else will ever get a glimpse of “me” but that one person.
In a childlike fit of giggles.
Say I’m tired and exhausted, of life.
Asking for more and more of sex with him. Wanting wild sex.
Wanting to be dominated. Smiling in restraints.
Saying I want to feel him. His power. The connection.
I don’t trust words. I trust what I feel through the skin.
I look into his eyes. Reassurance.
Feeling protected.

Letting me be his ‘slut’.

I fear this ‘slut’ can’t act like a mature adult when I meet my Dom.

See? Isn’t it better not to meet ‘the Dom’?
I say.

Why am I shedding tears?
Because I’m a moron and can’t stop looking for a dom.

Dilemma

I’m trying to think about what I can do about an issue. An issue about my submission.

This has happened previously as well.

I am a selfish sub.

I’m open to giving in, but I refuse to be a pushover.
I want to be diminished but not to the point where I will be obliterated.
I want to comply with the dom’s orders, but not the order to leave him.
What the dom should see is me, not my label.

The last one is crucial to me.

I am proud of who I am.

My ethnicity is Asian (or I do prefer the term ‘Oriental’ as a broader version, and as was used in the States about 40 years ago) . But I’m no Madam Butterfly. Hell no.

The people who know me best say that I have a constant, reassuring smile on my face. Still, even in the worst of circumstances. My smile, calm attitude and problem-solving skills put everyone at ease. Declaring that no problems are unsolvable. I do the same in my personal relationships, whether it is friendship or sexual relationship.

I prefer quiet times alone to loud gatherings. Although I like to keep to myself, it doesn’t imply I’m silent.

Even though what I do for living isn’t particularly significant, but I take pride in my achievements nonetheless. It is wonderful to have someone who recognised the efforts that led me to where I am right now. However, I don’t want anyone to dominate because of my title. Happens so more frequently than you would imagine, to be honest.

What I look from BDSM relationship is different from a plain vanilla relationship.
My favourite version of BDSM is a test of mental and physical fortitude. Within the confines set by one another, we take time to find out each other’s triggers and preferences.


The search for someone who gets me finally pays off.

The question is, “What now?”

Well, here is the dilemma.

When I respect him, I’ll know he’s someone to whom I can submit.
When I finally meet someone who ‘gets’ me.
When I finally meet someone who doesn’t put me down.

I meet someone who accepts me for who I am.
Both ugly and good.
Both my strengths and weaknesses are exposed here. Only to him.

For a moment, I rest my eyes and let out a long sigh.

If you respect me for who I am, you are the one who appreciates me the most.

In fact, this is not the first time something like this has occurred.


The two of us have apparently gotten “too close” – he says.

No.

I look up to him as a role model because of his integrity and honesty.
Outside BDSM, he never makes me feel like I’m below him.
Even if he doesn’t realise it, he treats me with the dignity he believes I deserve.

That’s because he is a decent person. That’s why he is my choice to submit.

The age difference. His success. The wisdom. His silliness.

To be kneeling at his side and looking up at him brings me joy.

I don’t kneel easily – I once jokingly said to him.
I’m not lying.
I can convincingly play the role of a sub to almost anyone. The world would never know how I really feel because I am so good at keeping them hidden. Just as I do in my day-to-day life.

But I long to be submissive to someone I can be completely honest with about how I feel.

Whether it’s a pleasure, it’s an urge, it’s a pain, or it’s a wave of anger.
I just want to be me. I just want to be with a dom who allows me to be me.

Being a true submissive requires me to feel secure in the knowledge that the dom regards me as an equal. Then, I trail one step behind him in his shadow.
By my choice.
Not because he forced me to.

However, the person who would treat me as his equal has an issue degrading me as a sub.

First world problem? Maybe?
This is the second time it has happened. Becuase he is the second person I wanted to submit.

He is confused. I am not, but I wait if he can untangle what is happening.

Being the proud individual that he is, he must figure out his emotion for himself.


I swallow my words — that’s why I chose you, Sir.

Once a sub, always a sub

I’m not joking.

I thought I needed strong sensations from BDSM to come. Wax, impact plays…pains.

That’s how I enjoyed sex….sort of. I never come, but I needed domination and physical sensations.

Recently, I enjoyed 2 different sex.

The first is with a person who knows that I am a sub, but he himself is not into BDSM. What he did, was made me feel special, wanted, beautiful and just relax. I didn’t come, but I purely enjoyed the sex with this person. There was something that he was good at, reading me and making me at ease. I didn’t discuss much with this person beforehand. Just went with the flow. It was good sex 🙂

The second is the opposite. We discussed in detail what we like to do/done, and he is a dom. I know I can trust him, so I let him take the lead. Whilst I knew that he isn’t the sadist I always sought for, I knew that with a right person, I didn’t need to rely on physical impact and pains like I used to. I just never had such a person.

I enjoyed every moment of being dominated by him, what he did to me, what he wanted to do to me. Then, a small climax, then another….I wasn’t really thinking about what I want or even that I was climaxing. I didn’t need to keep a part of my mind calm. Concentrating on everything I feel through my skin.

It just made me reinforce that I need to be immersed in the submission so that I don’t need to think about anything, and just focussing on my body and focus giving the dom what he wants. Concentrating on what I want dom to feel from dominating me. Trying to do whatever I wanted to do to the dom, so that he would feel pleasure.

That’s what’s my pleasure is.

I’m always a sub….I guess.

…but finally….starting to enjoy that I am a woman. That I am a sub.

What kind of sub am I? Möbius of, and tangled emotions of a dom and a sub

…I don’t know. Not sure what the ‘label’ is for me.

I feed off dom’s pleasure. I love observing the dom’s face, his voice and whatever I can feel from where he touches me. Soft touch. Hard grabbing. His temperature. His shortening and excited breath. His hoarse voice.

Him having fun doing what he wants to do to me.

Having said that, I’m really not a service sub either.

Will I be excited if the dom does everything he wants to do but what I can’t tolerate or don’t have the slightest interest /pleasure in? I played with such doms too when I was younger.

But no.

Not something I want to do now.

There is an element that I tolerate because I know he wants to do it to me, and he does it because he knows that I want it.

Which ignites this first? I don’t know. It’s like a chemical reaction that keeps on going and going.

That’s why I don’t use the safe word. (Just a word of caution that I vet my partners carefully and I discuss the limits, and I only play with someone with enough experience) Provided that I don’t choose a dom/sadist who wants to destroy me, I’m prepared to go wherever the dom wants to take me.

That’s why my no-gos items are very limited, provided I choose the dom carefully.

That’s why at the moment I may think I can’t tolerate it anymore, I see the gratification in the dom’s face and my mouth, which might have been about to beg to stop, will close, with a smile.

On the other hand, if I see that the dom wants me to beg, I would.

That could be the safe word. The dom sees that I am getting close to the limit. He would prefer to stop as he wouldn’t want to break me in a way he didn’t plan to. He orders me to beg to stop. I…would accept that the dom wouldn’t have fun taking it any further.

That’s why if the dom wants to inflict me a ‘pleasure’ I would gladly take it, even if I might want pain. It’s his urges that push me.

It may work in the opposite way. We might feed off and fuel each other that the dom goes further than he had intended, or I might not stop him and collapse unexpectedly. But that’s what excites me.

It wasn’t like this for me from the start. I had some spontaneous encounters without connecting with the dom, or not caring too much about it.

However, I now feed off the fact that someone who understands me wants to dominate me and see me being dominated by him.

That’s why I can now only be dominated by a person who can connect outside the BDSM, accepts me being a slut when together, and understands me. Then, the same person should hopefully be the mirror of myself. He needs to be a person who gets aroused by my emotions and feelings.

That’s what excites me.

Intensity junkie bottom

Oh I couldn’t think the right title for this one. It’s also difficult to think how to properly label it too.

When it comes to sex and BDSM, I don’t want one which is lovely, calm, peaceful gentle and soothing.

I want….the intensity and sensation which push me to the limit. Not soft. Not sensual. Even though the partner may be wanting to protect me and love me, that’s not what I want. It didn’t feel right to me. That’s why I’ve never enjoyed vanilla sex even if the partner had masterful, highly skilled sexual skills.

I don’t want to be done what I want. I want to be pushed to the edge, want to wonder if I should spit out the safe word (if any, usually I don’t have one as I don’t need them with the right partner). I don’t want to like it. I don’t want to enjoy it.

I enjoy the fact that the partner is enjoying me reacting to whatever he does to me. He wants to do to me. I want the endorphins that could only be experienced with strong intensity. That’s my ‘drug’. That’s my ‘alcohol’. (I take neither of them!)

I want to be pushed into a space where I cannot think.
I want to be cornered. It’s not easy for my partner to corner me, because if I am calm, I will be observing the partner as if second ‘me’ is there as a voyeur. I want this voyeur to disappear.

Where I am only following the partner’s movement, his words, his expression of satisfaction looking at me enduring the sensation (whether it’s pleasure or other sensation) that he inflicts on me. Where I cannot think of anything else.

I want all my skin to be so sensitive that single touch, even a soft touch, of my skin by him makes me feel like it’s burning.

I want my inner skin to burn. Wherever he touches. Wherever he bangs with his penis.

I want to scream. To the extent that I lose my voice the next day. I want to scream but don’t want to realise that I am screaming.

I want the pain to remain. Because if he takes me to the zone, I don’t usually remember what happened in detail.

Yes. It’s like I did take drugs. I try to recall what has happened through the sensation that remains the next day, the haziness in my mind, my hoarse voice, my pain.

For me to go into the zone, I don’t want to worry about my safety for even a split second. I don’t want to worry about whether I might get injured or not.

This all, doesn’t mean that there must be extreme plays like impact plays. The right partner can with so many different ways.

He may be whispering words of love to me, but his body does not stop torturing me, with pain and with sensation. I cannot think what to think of these two contradicting things filling me.

That contradiction throws me over the edge.

This all, is the reason I only play or fuck with someone I trust.

Funnily I used to think that this is why I was into BDSM but not into sex. I think I now know that I want the same even if it’s ‘only’ sex. I need this intensity. It’s something more than a mere organism.

I’m like a junkie.

I dream and keep wanting this intensity.

I dream and keep wanting someone who could give me this intensity.

I dream and keep wanting more.

More intensity.

Like a junkie.

C’est la vie

I haven’t written anything for a while. My vanilla life has been crazily busy.

I have been talking to a therapist who is kink friendly. It’s been great to talk to her about kink and sex. Whilst any therapist will say that we can be totally honest, I’ve seen the therapist’s face shows that they don’t approve BDSM or an affair with an attached person.

Finally, I was ready to try something new. The therapist told me about a site that is kink friendly. To be honest, it’s more of a hookup site. Something close to Tinder but not just swiping. You have a little bit more extra information to make a decision.

Unfortunately, it’s full of cock photos and naked men….you get what it is like. I have no intention of answering the messages from people with such photos. Found several men who seem to be decent….one of them was a disaster (in some funny way), but that’s for another post. I communicated with one guy for a while.

Then I did something crazy too, asking for sex out of the blue one day (I am glad that he was a safe and nice person!). We had sex that night. Made me feel beautiful, special and valued whilst we are together, good sex, fun. Of course, my profile clearly states that I am into kink. He is not into kink so much, but a safe person to be with, so I was happy to hook up with him when it suits us. Oh, he does have his share of kink….but not what I usually think of as a kink.

My therapist was so surprised when she heard what I did, but she was happy for me. This is why I like her. Her only advice was that, keep communicating with others as well. Especially because there are single men on that site who are also looking for relationships.

I previously made a mistake. I was so sexually frustrated, so I met a man I had started messaging on the day. It was a disaster. This time, whilst it was similar but at least I was communicating for a while. However, I never imagined that I would ask for sex. Usually, I’m a person who waits for the guys to make a move first. Oh well, I’m glad that it ended ok this time.


All these months, I kept in touch with S. It mostly consisted of me messaging or emailing him. He didn’t often reply so I never knew what he was thinking. He said he read all my messages (whilst they were driving him crazy!) and I trusted that if he said he did, he did.

I told S that I had sex. There was no need to. I could’ve kept it a secret.

When I first met, I asked S not to have another sub whilst we are together. Whilst it wasn’t explicit, he expected me to do the same. So, it was fair to him if he decided that he wouldn’t want to completely end anything to do with me (if there was even 1% chance). I didn’t even think ‘but he is not a dom’ excuse. I wasn’t going to lie to myself. I needed and wanted sex.


Then, S messaged me. He said he would be coming to Sydney soon and told me he would like to see me. I have a feeling, he has tried connecting or even played with other ladies but it may not have gone well, for one reason or another.

I had to think and stop for a moment.

Now that I found someone local to have sex with, enjoy sex and make me feel special….do I need to see him? This person, whilst he says it’s only me at the moment, I’m not naive to think that he only fucks me. That’s OK. I just have to be careful about STIs.

With S, can I go through multiple stages of argument, being ghosted, one-way break up again? These will happen again.

I’m sure that S felt guilty but there was no apology for what happened. I think he thinks I would understand what he was thinking. And yes, I think I do, but the problem with him is that he assumes that too many times. I said to him that sometimes I need to hear (read) those words. Oh well…

I decided to say yes. If anything like before happens, I am ready to walk away.

S has opened up the messenger again and has communicated more constantly with me. I know he is planning to make the time together something very memorable. I am happy wth that and will take each day as it comes.

What happens next with both men….I don’t know. I’ve decided to ride the waves without thinking about it too much.

Let’s see where these guys would take me? They both make me feel special, and I am happy with them.

With S, there is still a chance that our sex isn’t what we each want or doesn’t match. If that happens, I would probably feel it would’ve been better if that happened earlier, but I will still be happy that I had a chance to experience his domination. I think he is thinking about achieving too much on the first meet…..lol. But that’s just him. A perfectionist in him. He is like that so I can’t stop him.

Funnily, I would’ve been more stressed about meeting him last year, but not now. I’m shoving down my perfectionist in me. Just enjoy without expectations.

Why and how hypnosis in BDSM?

I have asked for the help of hypnosis a number of times in my life.

A counsellor used it. There is my favourite hypnotist on iphone apps (it worked till he changed the background music!!! It now just doesn’t work for me!).

To some extent, I can self hypnotise myself (I think…and everyone can, can’t you?). Of course, When you are self hypnotising, no induction etc, you jump right into it. My ex boss said that her father was a doctor who uses hypnosis and the father taught her to self hypnotise so she said she was pain free when she gave birth to her kids…

Then, a partner used hypnosis for sexual context. He could’ve charged for it, he was really good. Helped to ‘some extent’ for me to enjoy sex. I think for the first time, I released myself (a bit….I’m so stubborn, I can control how much the hypnosis can work). We used hypnosis to put ourselves in unusual sex scenes. …OK a word of caution, if you want to come up with a scene, make sure you know them well. If you describe a scene and I’m thinking …’no….XYZ wasn’t there at that time in that country’, it may not work as intended. LOL

We see many forums and posts about hypnosis on Fetlife forums and posts. There seem to be a lot of people who want to know about it, and who want to use them. But how?

I put an ad on the fet on erotic hypnosis groups seeking a hypnotist in the BDSM context. When I wrote it, I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted. Many wrote to say that they can do online hypnosis, online texts and people from other countries replied too.

As you know from my previous posts, then I found S.

He is knowledgeable about hypnosis. He can use hypnosis in the traditional sense. With induction, etc. But he is not as good as the previous partner. And that’s fine as that wasn’t his strength.

I can choose to believe to be hypnotised. I can choose not to.

He didn’t ‘hypnotise’ me until he gained my trust. When he decided to hypnotise me and when I decided to choose to be hypnotised, he hypnotised me and I chose to follow him. The hypnosis is still working. I’m sometimes too suggestive. I always have an issue getting out of the hypnosis.

So back to hypnosis and BDSM.

Where S was good with, was his imagination, his vocabulary and his story telling skills. Also an ability to read and work spontaneously with me if the story telling involves a response from me. I might be cheeky and being wholly aware of what responses he may have been waiting from me, I might decide to change it. Then he needs to think on the spot. He may have to improvise. I am a very difficult person, so if there is any contradiction in the story, I might go….’uh…..that may not work….’

So where am I heading? Hypnosis is not only about induction and making someone do whatever you want the person to do like you see on the TVs and online.

Telling a convincing story and making me immerse into the scene is hypnosis as well. I think. And it’s not as easy as the ‘hypnosis’ you all think of.

It’s a kind of roleplay. Even though every time, I was playing BDSM, I was role playing, I never thought of such. Till I played with S online. Mainly texts. We only played once via voice. Of course, it may have helped that we were only playing via texts. Then he could, and I could use our imaginations. What we were imagining might have been different, but it worked. Maybe it will be a little different if we were to be in a room face to face. Then, I will have to imagine that I am wearing a certain costume. Imagine that he is too. Will it be more difficult than plain text role playing? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.

What makes in person play hot, is his voice. His heat. His emotion triggers a chain reaction in my body. Then that triggers his excitement. That….we can’t do simply by texts or voices.

Even a simple CNC scene, that we discussed a lot before actually playing, is hypnosis. How much S could take me into the scene, and make me immerse into the scene, how he could make me really aroused and make me want him….as if he was in front of me….is ‘hypnosis’.

There are people who can role-play, of course. As I said, when people are playing BDSM, people are role-playing their roles in the scenes.

But the difference is the degree. Dragging me into the scene in a matter of minutes and controlling how my body reacts is hypnosis.

With his own ‘hypnosis’ skills, he was able to almost make me feel as if he was holding me down. As if he has tied me. As if I could hear his voice. Warm. Teasing. His pleasure. Pulled my fair. Strong. Feeling his penetration. The pleasure spread through my body. Climaxing. As if I could feel him being please when he said he was ‘pleased’. CNC without fears. Getting excited instead of scared.

If we were to actually use ropes, I may feel that the rope is too tight or my shoulders hurt. Of course, that’s still a part of BDSM, but this story telling hypnosis made me feel what I want to feel from the scene. If I want to choose to feel the tight rope, I can. If I want to feel him touching me, I could.

It may not be traditional hypnosis, but this hypnosis through his imagination….that’s the BDSM I want. Someone who could take me into his world of imagination that I want to be taken into. Don’t forget. That is what I want and that is why it works. I agreed and I wanted to be taken to his world and immerse myself in it.

If we were to do this face to face in a BDSM session, I am sure his voice, the voice I love, would guide me into that world.

When I say I want someone to use hypnosis with BDSM, that’s what I want.

It’s not easy to find someone who could do this.

Needless to say, he could take me into his world, because he had obtained my trust. I decided to trust him and be guided into his imaginary world.

It’s not easy as you think….

What a month

Sigh. June is gone (almost).

What a month it has been for me.

I changed jobs mid May. From day 1, I worked worked worked worked. 8-9 hours overtime every day plus working on weekends.

My boss tried to stop me and she is worried.

I think, after being dumped by S, I needed a distraction. So that I don’t think about it. I think this job change itself was a distraction that I got myself into, because on the day that I was going to have a coffee with the managers from this company, he dumped me. I can’t even remember how I got through that day.

I’m used to working like this. I’ve done it for 30 years, yet it was tough. I don’t know the reason why it was so tough. Maybe I’m getting old. Maybe it’s because I was doing it because I had to, but more to distract myself.

Our company allowed the employees to work from home if they wanted to, and my role is something I can work from home full time if I want to. Although, I needed the ‘distraction’ so it was nice to go into the office from time to time. In the short time that I started working with my boss, I quickly became her trusted adviser. She needed someone with my experience and skills so much, and now she got me. It’s such a small team and company that there are so many things to do. So much to fix. I am a person who bulldozes through and fixes stuff. That’s been my worklife for nearly 30 years. I love to fix what’s not working.

But I just couldn’t cope. I was breaking down at home alone. I was breaking down in front of her.

I know I was thinking about S’ slip up in the chat which said he was my man. But the fact that he didn’t want to continue on the chat meant it really was a ‘slip up’. He said he needed to go for a while, as he used to say but didn’t come back that day.

However, accepting that meant the short sexual play we did on that same chat after that slip up was….again, just that. I was used and played. He wasn’t thinking of rekindling but just wanted some fun in the spur of the moment. I’m sure that he was embarrassed with what he did and that meant he would walk away again. This was an issue. I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed but he would’ve and would’ve not wanted to discuss and would’ve wanted to act like nothing happened. The exact opposite of what I wanted. I just wanted him.

In my private side, it was a turmoil. My dad found stage 4 cancer, cancer metastasis is the word, I think? Did chemo etc. For many reasons, I don’t get along with my dad. But my family are asking why I’m not coming back to my country and visit him before it’s too late. Well…I do not want to, and I also will probably not go to his funeral. That would mean that I won’t be reconciling with dad, but that’s a burden I have to live with. My dad was one of the reasons why when I started to think about getting into a BDSM relationship with S, I nearly pulled out. So many times. If it wasn’t S, I would’ve pulled out. Whilst I want him now, I still wonder if it’s a good idea or not. That’s why i keep on thinking about just one night with him.

That was a tough choice (deciding not to go back) as I saw dad wanting to reconcile. I know I still have time, but no. I cannot smile and forgive what he did to me. Even though that’s what is expected.

I lived like that. A soft smile was my mask for me to hide. At work. In my personal life. Even when I was chatting online via video with S. I quietly observe and notice a lot of things and I am supersensitive about how another person feels about me. But usually, I act as if I noticed nothing.

Behind the mask, I bite my lips but usually say nothing (so the fact that I sent nagging emails is another surprising thing for me. very unlike me). I cry in private. LIving in a foreign country by myself hasn’t been easy. I’m reserved. I’m an extreme introvert. But…funnily I was vocal when something was not right and I speak up about others being treated unfairly, I just didn’t speak up for myself.

But not for my parents. I can’t smile and act like nothing happened. I can be very logical if I want to (OK a weird way to say it). Means, if I want to just shatter someone so bad that they can’t argue back or make excuses, I can. I know I would do it to my parents. I think I partly did it to S as well. Sometimes I corner people too much from my anger.

Then…..the Fet. Oh my….I don’t know where to start. So, S blocked me when we broke up. Of course. Then one day, browsing through Fet, I find my ex boss asking for partners……my mind went blank. There are possibilities that we would work together again given it’s a very small industry due to specialised knowledge required. My profile had a part of my name. I had a face blurred photo on it. At least my race can be ascertained.

It’s easy to say – if he’s on there, why bother? Yes…..of course. And when I think about it, one day late in the office, he and another colleague were talking about sexual stuff (interesting that they thought I won’t say anything…) and there was something that made me stop and think whether he knows about BDSM…. anyway, I didn’t want any more headaches.

So ditched that one, created a new profile. Then, I posted a personal ad. I don’t know why….just a distraction? Or I really wasn’t thinking anything. I had plans to copy over the writings, link it to this website etc…but just didn’t have time to.

One day, I get a notification that I got a message from……S. I look at the notification and realise that it’s the new profile I created. I go check out the message. And he wrote so eloquently again.

I thought….if I didn’t reply to his original message to me the last year, I would’ve replied to this in a heartbeat. Although….I thought some parts were his tactic to get ladies to feel special. Damn. I got tricked by that for sure!

Anyway, I thought for a moment saying nothing to S. But my mind raced and the only thing I could think of, was….I need to tell him……I wasn’t angry that he was messaging others…just that I need to. Stupid me.

I message S and waited for him to come online. He did.

Then, the second mistake. He was in a mood to probably play online sexting so I should’ve taken that path. BUT, stupid me just thinking about ‘I need to tell him’ …I told him.

….Yeah. You get it. He didn’t like it. He thought I made a trap even after I told him why I had created a new profile.

I then, when I was calmer, went back to his new message and notice that he said he hypnotised ‘women’ (i.e. plural) face to face from late last year….so I’m crying that I wasn’t the only one he was messaging when we started to exchange messages. I was crying I wasn’t the one whom he hypnotised face to face so who?

Anyway. It’s too much. I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating. I’m breaking down.

These are all too much for me to take. I’m exhausted. I can’t take this anymore. If I’m exhausted this much, not sure why my body wants to feel someone’s strong force on my skin.

Will a pain confirm that I’m alive?

Will a pleasure make me want to live my life again?

Sometimes, I feel like I don’t want to wake up from sleep. Just don’t want to think about anything. Like tonight. It’s….just too much. Crying for no reason thinking I can’t take it, whatever it is, exhausts me. Living like this every day exhausts me.

I cry about my stupidity that I had some chances of getting S back and lost them.

I don’t feel like I want to try anymore. About everything.

Pandora’s box

I don’t know what to write. I thought about not writing. I thought about writing.

Then I didn’t know what the title should be.

S.

As you could see from my past posts, I am not the type of person who opens up easily. To anyone. I have two best friends, one never having met in person because she is in the USA and I connected with her online. Weird, isn’t it? But it’s true. She left me once because I didn’t give up about S and she kept on telling me that he is not good, or toxic for me.

And one here in Australia who stood by me.

We all three are foreigners living in a country where they weren’t born, without family, living independently. Maybe that’s why I connected with them.

They warned. So many times. They are the only two people who know about my kink (just that I am into it) and who know that I met him through the kink website. They didn’t care about kink. They were initially very happy for me, but for various other reasons warned me to stop.

Back to S.

This time, I wanted to do something differently. I…wanted to be me. Previously, even as a sub, I was acting the sub that the dom wanted. If within my hard limits, I agreed to almost everything. It didn’t matter if I enjoyed it or not. Whilst I say so, it was usually more on the side that I was playing with people who liked softer plays. Somehow, I’m sure that I was trying to protect myself here. That meant I wasn’t really enjoying the BDSM.

Because sometimes, I just longed for harsher plays that would take me to a trance that I can immerse myself in the moment. The Dom will be only looking at me and my reactions. My every sense will be following every move of the Dom. His movement, his breathing, any sound that he makes or does not make. Thinking how I would look to him, what I was expected to do.

Saying that, it’s a very intense play. I will be opening up every part of me to him. I need to be honest with him. It’s not a play that every Dom wants. It’s not a play that I want to engage with any Dom.

The funny thing is that when I first dipped my toe into the BDSM in the country I came from, I jumped into the deep end. I was just lucky that I was engaging with the masters who were highly skilled at this. They are the masters who we have lost. An old generation Doms. I was so lucky that none took advantage of me.

Anyway, for some reason, and for the first time in 30 years, I wanted to engage in that kind of intense BDSM. Whether the play itself involves an intense/harsh play (e.g. pain wise) or not, is not the issue. I wanted to find someone who could dominate me in such a way.

I also wanted to enjoy sex. Weird, isn’t it? I finally was able to admit that I can’t enjoy sex without BDSM and domination. And I wanted to enjoy sex. I’d never admitted that I want sex and enjoy it. It’s my upbringing. This time, I wanted to.

I wanted to only engage with a Dom who I can look up to, admire and respect. No more pretending that I was feeling such. No acting. Trying to act like I respect the Dom when I don’t ….is a burden in itself. I also wanted the Dom to dominate who I am. Not a sub who was acting. Moreover, I wanted someone who wouldn’t let me act even if I wanted to. I’m a complex person. I’m so dominant in my day-to-day life and inside, I’m so submissive.

Then met S as I’ve written before. He was good at making me talk honestly about what I want. Whilst I did make up my mind that I wanted to be honest, it wasn’t easy. He gave me a space where I could express myself. Freely. Judgment free, he said. I told what I had been dreaming for. For 30 years. What I wanted. How I wanted. Expressing myself as much as I could.

However, I revealed too much about myself. A slut who would do anything for pleasure and pain wasn’t what he wanted. How I wanted to be dominated by him. Wanted rough sex by him.

He somehow was able to make me feel relaxed and it’s Ok to come. This was weird. I’d never come. So how did it happen? I don’t know.

But I think….it was just a game for him. He enjoyed that he could control me so easily. That meant he had nothing to conquer any more. I seemed to have suddenly become a nuisance for him. I was lost.

I was worried about so many things. But he was not the type of person who wants to discuss. He makes his own decisions and nothing could change his mind. I saw so many issues that I wanted to discuss with him, but we didn’t have time, and he didn’t even have time to text.

In the hindsight, I should’ve sent the email then, not now. For some reason, I didn’t want to because these were things that we should discuss face to face (video or in person), not write. Whilst I can write, nothing beats a discussion, and untangling realtime was what was needed. I kept on waiting for him to come over to where I lived so that I could discuss my concerns.

But we didn’t and the worst thing I had feared happened. He just lost interest in me.


All the online interactions with him ignited a small fire of sex in myself. That was momentarily extinguished when I was playing by sexts and voices with him.

When we stopped to communicate….because he said that he had lost interest in me, I could not cope. The problem was that we haven’t played together. We haven’t slept together.

I felt like I failed again. In a different way.

I trusted him too much. I told him too much about myself. The fact that there is a person out there who knows about this much, and about sex and BDSM, was a fear. Unbelievably scary thing.

I also wanted sex so much. Probably because I was thinking about it so often since I started to talk to him online.

But it can’t be anyone. I know how I’m not ‘normal’. It needed to be combined with BDSM, and it needs to be rough sex. The rougher the better. It takes a lot of time to build up the trust that’s necessary to let the man do that to me, and also to tell them that that’s what I want. I don’t think I would do this ever again.

Many would say, there will be someone else. No. It took me 30 years to be honest but if this is the result, I don’t want to reveal so much about myself. I just can’t. I now feel so embarrassed that I told him that much. I shouldn’t have. All my dreams about sex /BDSM. Telling him what I wanted him to do to me. What I dreamt of. How hot I got with his sexts and stories. It’s the words I can’t take back from my mouth or my texts.

I cried and cried for losing someone I wanted as my Dom. I cried more about my embarrassment telling him too much.

***

Early this month, I was writing something on a chat with him. He wasn’t reading them, so I don’t know why I used it as a dumping ground to write about my sexual needs and BDSM. maybe I thought one day, if he feels like it, he would come and read.

Then when I didn’t imagine, S logged on.

He wrote…..if I wanted a man, he is.

What? What am I reading? He said he had some wines, but…I don’t think that would’ve made him write something like this. We had a bit of a chat, he gave me a command to come, and I did.

Whether he meant it or not, I should’ve stopped there. I got confused, but the issue was that my skin, my heart, my brain, everything wanted that strong sensation of coming by his command. The things that I tried not to imagine and forget….imagining about his domination and sex….is back.

There is something in me that is difficult to control. I want sex. I want to be dominated. And I want now. I cry and cry and I just want it uncontrollably. It’s almost difficult to push them down. I can’t come by masturbating. I can’ come by toys.

Then, you know what? I used some dirty words that I’d never used before and sent him messages because I really couldn’t (and can’t) stop my thirst….my….longing for rough sex.

S said it’s disturbing.

I was actually surprised when I wrote those messages to him, because I didn’t even think I could write like that. I probably got too easy with him and thought I can say anything but he was disgusted. And that made me realise what I said. I revealed myself too much. Again. I still don’t know how I trust him too much. But those were my true feelings.

I want sex so badly.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve never wanted sex so much in my life. I don’t care if I come with the sex because I know I want to physically feel someone. But for multiple reasons, I know I can’t have sex with anyone.

I want to go back to the time that I didn’t have this much sexual thirst. I used to push down these when I had them. But I can’t. I just can’t now and it’s so painful.

It’s partly wanting to come and get a release, but more than that, I feel like my skin wants to be dominated and taken roughly. Emptying my mind.

It’s not peaceful sex I want, either.

I can’t control it and I never had this much longing for sex. I feel like I’ve gone crazy.

Probably, having sex with S once and not coming will stop it. Silly as it may be, I can stop myself from coming and if I don’t come even with S, I can give up….haha….not making sense. But I do think so. If he can’t make me come, noone can. Can I stop me from coming? I hope so to give up sex.

I’ve opened Pandora’s Box but I don’t see any hope left at the bottom of my box.