En attendant

Wow. I neglected to write for such a long time.

My focus recently has been on my professional life. For the past five years, I have been extremely busy. Always hard at it. Putting in 12-15 hour days, seven days a week. It’s just my life. I’ve worked like that for….almost all my adult life.

In the past, I have never given much thought to my position or career advancement. If the role pays for me to live by myself, in this city of Sydney which is very expensive to live, and take care of my expensive health issues, that was enough. Often, I didn’t push hard enough for a higher position title.

That changed. When I moved roles 7 years ago, it was because my boss resigned, a new boss arrived, she didn’t want me who…if I can say it myself, was very liked and highly valued. I was kicked out because she feared that I might take over (so stupid…yep, maybe in few years time but it wasn’t that imminent). This repeated itself two years later. But I refused to be kicked out. So, all my promotion was refused, I was to choose between my promotion or another junior, underrated person’s promotion (whom I fought for the promotion)…etc. I think it was also at this role that I thought my voice may not be heard when there is no adequate title was attached.

Oh well. I got what I wanted, the title. But then, there is another thing. It’s called a ‘bamboo ceiling’. It used to be a glass ceiling, but there is another one. I’m not sure what to do. I tried not to blame my race, or the fact that I was living alone in a foreign country when something doesn’t go as I had wished. It’s easy to do so, but that means so many choices I made were wrong. However, with more senior title, came the hostility, racism, sexism which are so close to crushing me.

So, busy as it may be, I failed to take into account my own desires in my personal life

There has always been this weird thing about my BDSM life. The desire to submit just seems to rise up from within me whenever my professional life is relatively stable. I don’t know. It’s also possible that my work-related stress is to blame.

I hadn’t had any sex for….maybe more than 5 years. I was so fed up that I went online in search of a sexual partner to relieve my stress. In spite of the number of people with whom I’ve communicated, none of our conversations have been particularly noteworthy. I didn’t get any vibes that this was the right person. I was also apprehensive because the last time I had this urge, it ended badly.

One day, I found myself desperately craving the kind of intense sex that would allow me to temporarily shut out the world. I chose one person that I have been messaging, asked if we could meet on that day, and we met. Oh, well, thank goodness he wasn’t a dangerous predator. Great sex, slightly a dominant man. He treated me so well. He will look only at me when we are together. e has enough intelligence to carry on a conversation, but that wasn’t quite enough. To have sex and to be exhausted and forget about any stress – may be he is good enough. But probably it’s not submission that I wanted. BDSM as something to spice up sex, yes. Submission No. He also lies thinking I won’t find out. That’s a big no from me. Will he stop lying if I be exclusive like he wants me to? Not in my opinion.

In other words, “it” was absent. Inquiring minds want to know: what is it?

Really, I have no idea. For as long as I try to explain it, I will never be able to do it justice. Do you think it would help if I used the other language I know to explain it?Yes…in the sense that there are so many intricate words and expressions that are not available in English, so maybe.

It’s hard to find someone who wants to dominate me but also appreciates me for who I am. A person’s desire to treat me well, care about me, and treat me as an equal usually indicates that they have a hard time dominating me if I choose a good person, and if that person respects me outside of sex and BDSM.

Should I bow down to whom? Was I ever submissive to another person? … The thought occurred to me the other day. Even though BDSM was a regular part of my sex life, that extra element was what made things interesting for me. As I wrote before, I needed the command, I needed to be allowed to enjoy sex. I needed someone who will find me attractive sexually, and being overweight all my life (recently found the reason….I wish I had found it out 20 years ago!), I didn’t think I would fine someone who thought I was attractive in vanilla life. (oh….I think there were quite a number of my colleagues and classmates who were fond of me, but if I were to put a label on them, I was probably the dominant one. lol)

There was one person who I really admired and wanted to submit but guess what? He chose to be my boyfriend rather than a dominant so I didn’t really submit.

Sometimes I feel like something is lost in online messaging as I try to sift through the wacky messages that keep landing in my inbox and usually trying to delete from time to time. Properly write. Logical. I don’t want a one liner or just ‘hi’ or a dick photo…..Even worse would be if they insisted on seeing my photo first. And someone I admire. Smart. Have integrity, values and moral. Trustworthy. Someone who thinks but also tries to communicate what they are thinking. Imagination. Takes me to his world – where I want to be.

I am a thinker. Also I want to communicate what I am thinking to the other person. Because as much as I can put the pieces together and imagine what I think the person person is thinking (which may be right or incorrect) I won’t know until the other person say yes or no. The more intelligent a person is, the more confident they are that they have arrived at the correct conclusion, because they are correct more often than not in their everyday lives, with their friends, families, and workplaces. This is a problem I’ve had with previous partners. I know that I have that tendency too. But that’s because …we know who we are dealing with. When you don’t know the other person well enough, or when there are so many assumptions, it’s dangerous to assume you are correct.

The thought process was so entangled that unravelling it was a…. challenge. They didn’t want to accept they were wrong. When I try to communicate as accurately as I can, it ends up like a 3,000 words message…so the other person needs to read or more precisely, someone who is willing to read. lol.

I don’t have that quirk of wanting to be dominated by someone who is less intelligent than me, regardless of how attractive they may be. lol. So smart, someone I can look up to, lean on to and really a mirror image of me with more dominance.

Someone who understands me and let me be ‘me’ in the bedroom. Enjoys me who is enjoying the sex with him. Set me free at his order. Someone I can listen to and obey instructions from as well.

“There isn’t just one “it” here. A multiple things makes up that “it”. Will I find someone? Maybe it was too late. I feel it was wrong that I sought it and sought to enjoy the sex. It was wrong to find someone I can submit. It feels like the end of my sex and BDSM life. I still have sexual urges that are difficult to suppress because I’m terrified of acting irrationally.

So…can I find someone with ‘it’?