I’m trying to think about what I can do about an issue. An issue about my submission.
This has happened previously as well.
I am a selfish sub.
I’m open to giving in, but I refuse to be a pushover.
I want to be diminished but not to the point where I will be obliterated.
I want to comply with the dom’s orders, but not the order to leave him.
What the dom should see is me, not my label.
The last one is crucial to me.
I am proud of who I am.
My ethnicity is Asian (or I do prefer the term ‘Oriental’ as a broader version, and as was used in the States about 40 years ago) . But I’m no Madam Butterfly. Hell no.
The people who know me best say that I have a constant, reassuring smile on my face. Still, even in the worst of circumstances. My smile, calm attitude and problem-solving skills put everyone at ease. Declaring that no problems are unsolvable. I do the same in my personal relationships, whether it is friendship or sexual relationship.
I prefer quiet times alone to loud gatherings. Although I like to keep to myself, it doesn’t imply I’m silent.
Even though what I do for living isn’t particularly significant, but I take pride in my achievements nonetheless. It is wonderful to have someone who recognised the efforts that led me to where I am right now. However, I don’t want anyone to dominate because of my title. Happens so more frequently than you would imagine, to be honest.
What I look from BDSM relationship is different from a plain vanilla relationship.
My favourite version of BDSM is a test of mental and physical fortitude. Within the confines set by one another, we take time to find out each other’s triggers and preferences.
The search for someone who gets me finally pays off.
The question is, “What now?”
Well, here is the dilemma.
When I respect him, I’ll know he’s someone to whom I can submit.
When I finally meet someone who ‘gets’ me.
When I finally meet someone who doesn’t put me down.
I meet someone who accepts me for who I am.
Both ugly and good.
Both my strengths and weaknesses are exposed here. Only to him.
For a moment, I rest my eyes and let out a long sigh.
If you respect me for who I am, you are the one who appreciates me the most.
In fact, this is not the first time something like this has occurred.
The two of us have apparently gotten “too close” – he says.
No.
I look up to him as a role model because of his integrity and honesty.
Outside BDSM, he never makes me feel like I’m below him.
Even if he doesn’t realise it, he treats me with the dignity he believes I deserve.
That’s because he is a decent person. That’s why he is my choice to submit.
The age difference. His success. The wisdom. His silliness.
To be kneeling at his side and looking up at him brings me joy.
I don’t kneel easily – I once jokingly said to him.
I’m not lying.
I can convincingly play the role of a sub to almost anyone. The world would never know how I really feel because I am so good at keeping them hidden. Just as I do in my day-to-day life.
But I long to be submissive to someone I can be completely honest with about how I feel.
Whether it’s a pleasure, it’s an urge, it’s a pain, or it’s a wave of anger.
I just want to be me. I just want to be with a dom who allows me to be me.
Being a true submissive requires me to feel secure in the knowledge that the dom regards me as an equal. Then, I trail one step behind him in his shadow.
By my choice.
Not because he forced me to.
However, the person who would treat me as his equal has an issue degrading me as a sub.
First world problem? Maybe?
This is the second time it has happened. Becuase he is the second person I wanted to submit.
He is confused. I am not, but I wait if he can untangle what is happening.
Being the proud individual that he is, he must figure out his emotion for himself.
I swallow my words — that’s why I chose you, Sir.