Oh I couldn’t think the right title for this one. It’s also difficult to think how to properly label it too.
When it comes to sex and BDSM, I don’t want one which is lovely, calm, peaceful gentle and soothing.
I want….the intensity and sensation which push me to the limit. Not soft. Not sensual. Even though the partner may be wanting to protect me and love me, that’s not what I want. It didn’t feel right to me. That’s why I’ve never enjoyed vanilla sex even if the partner had masterful, highly skilled sexual skills.
I don’t want to be done what I want. I want to be pushed to the edge, want to wonder if I should spit out the safe word (if any, usually I don’t have one as I don’t need them with the right partner). I don’t want to like it. I don’t want to enjoy it.
I enjoy the fact that the partner is enjoying me reacting to whatever he does to me. He wants to do to me. I want the endorphins that could only be experienced with strong intensity. That’s my ‘drug’. That’s my ‘alcohol’. (I take neither of them!)
I want to be pushed into a space where I cannot think.
I want to be cornered. It’s not easy for my partner to corner me, because if I am calm, I will be observing the partner as if second ‘me’ is there as a voyeur. I want this voyeur to disappear.
Where I am only following the partner’s movement, his words, his expression of satisfaction looking at me enduring the sensation (whether it’s pleasure or other sensation) that he inflicts on me. Where I cannot think of anything else.
I want all my skin to be so sensitive that single touch, even a soft touch, of my skin by him makes me feel like it’s burning.
I want my inner skin to burn. Wherever he touches. Wherever he bangs with his penis.
I want to scream. To the extent that I lose my voice the next day. I want to scream but don’t want to realise that I am screaming.
I want the pain to remain. Because if he takes me to the zone, I don’t usually remember what happened in detail.
Yes. It’s like I did take drugs. I try to recall what has happened through the sensation that remains the next day, the haziness in my mind, my hoarse voice, my pain.
For me to go into the zone, I don’t want to worry about my safety for even a split second. I don’t want to worry about whether I might get injured or not.
This all, doesn’t mean that there must be extreme plays like impact plays. The right partner can with so many different ways.
He may be whispering words of love to me, but his body does not stop torturing me, with pain and with sensation. I cannot think what to think of these two contradicting things filling me.
That contradiction throws me over the edge.
This all, is the reason I only play or fuck with someone I trust.
Funnily I used to think that this is why I was into BDSM but not into sex. I think I now know that I want the same even if it’s ‘only’ sex. I need this intensity. It’s something more than a mere organism.
I’m like a junkie.
I dream and keep wanting this intensity.
I dream and keep wanting someone who could give me this intensity.
I dream and keep wanting more.
More intensity.
Like a junkie.