I haven’t written anything for a while. My vanilla life has been crazily busy.
I have been talking to a therapist who is kink friendly. It’s been great to talk to her about kink and sex. Whilst any therapist will say that we can be totally honest, I’ve seen the therapist’s face shows that they don’t approve BDSM or an affair with an attached person.
Finally, I was ready to try something new. The therapist told me about a site that is kink friendly. To be honest, it’s more of a hookup site. Something close to Tinder but not just swiping. You have a little bit more extra information to make a decision.
Unfortunately, it’s full of cock photos and naked men….you get what it is like. I have no intention of answering the messages from people with such photos. Found several men who seem to be decent….one of them was a disaster (in some funny way), but that’s for another post. I communicated with one guy for a while.
Then I did something crazy too, asking for sex out of the blue one day (I am glad that he was a safe and nice person!). We had sex that night. Made me feel beautiful, special and valued whilst we are together, good sex, fun. Of course, my profile clearly states that I am into kink. He is not into kink so much, but a safe person to be with, so I was happy to hook up with him when it suits us. Oh, he does have his share of kink….but not what I usually think of as a kink.
My therapist was so surprised when she heard what I did, but she was happy for me. This is why I like her. Her only advice was that, keep communicating with others as well. Especially because there are single men on that site who are also looking for relationships.
I previously made a mistake. I was so sexually frustrated, so I met a man I had started messaging on the day. It was a disaster. This time, whilst it was similar but at least I was communicating for a while. However, I never imagined that I would ask for sex. Usually, I’m a person who waits for the guys to make a move first. Oh well, I’m glad that it ended ok this time.
All these months, I kept in touch with S. It mostly consisted of me messaging or emailing him. He didn’t often reply so I never knew what he was thinking. He said he read all my messages (whilst they were driving him crazy!) and I trusted that if he said he did, he did.
I told S that I had sex. There was no need to. I could’ve kept it a secret.
When I first met, I asked S not to have another sub whilst we are together. Whilst it wasn’t explicit, he expected me to do the same. So, it was fair to him if he decided that he wouldn’t want to completely end anything to do with me (if there was even 1% chance). I didn’t even think ‘but he is not a dom’ excuse. I wasn’t going to lie to myself. I needed and wanted sex.
Then, S messaged me. He said he would be coming to Sydney soon and told me he would like to see me. I have a feeling, he has tried connecting or even played with other ladies but it may not have gone well, for one reason or another.
I had to think and stop for a moment.
Now that I found someone local to have sex with, enjoy sex and make me feel special….do I need to see him? This person, whilst he says it’s only me at the moment, I’m not naive to think that he only fucks me. That’s OK. I just have to be careful about STIs.
With S, can I go through multiple stages of argument, being ghosted, one-way break up again? These will happen again.
I’m sure that S felt guilty but there was no apology for what happened. I think he thinks I would understand what he was thinking. And yes, I think I do, but the problem with him is that he assumes that too many times. I said to him that sometimes I need to hear (read) those words. Oh well…
I decided to say yes. If anything like before happens, I am ready to walk away.
S has opened up the messenger again and has communicated more constantly with me. I know he is planning to make the time together something very memorable. I am happy wth that and will take each day as it comes.
What happens next with both men….I don’t know. I’ve decided to ride the waves without thinking about it too much.
Let’s see where these guys would take me? They both make me feel special, and I am happy with them.
With S, there is still a chance that our sex isn’t what we each want or doesn’t match. If that happens, I would probably feel it would’ve been better if that happened earlier, but I will still be happy that I had a chance to experience his domination. I think he is thinking about achieving too much on the first meet…..lol. But that’s just him. A perfectionist in him. He is like that so I can’t stop him.
Funnily, I would’ve been more stressed about meeting him last year, but not now. I’m shoving down my perfectionist in me. Just enjoy without expectations.