Sigh. June is gone (almost).
What a month it has been for me.
I changed jobs mid May. From day 1, I worked worked worked worked. 8-9 hours overtime every day plus working on weekends.
My boss tried to stop me and she is worried.
I think, after being dumped by S, I needed a distraction. So that I don’t think about it. I think this job change itself was a distraction that I got myself into, because on the day that I was going to have a coffee with the managers from this company, he dumped me. I can’t even remember how I got through that day.
I’m used to working like this. I’ve done it for 30 years, yet it was tough. I don’t know the reason why it was so tough. Maybe I’m getting old. Maybe it’s because I was doing it because I had to, but more to distract myself.
Our company allowed the employees to work from home if they wanted to, and my role is something I can work from home full time if I want to. Although, I needed the ‘distraction’ so it was nice to go into the office from time to time. In the short time that I started working with my boss, I quickly became her trusted adviser. She needed someone with my experience and skills so much, and now she got me. It’s such a small team and company that there are so many things to do. So much to fix. I am a person who bulldozes through and fixes stuff. That’s been my worklife for nearly 30 years. I love to fix what’s not working.
But I just couldn’t cope. I was breaking down at home alone. I was breaking down in front of her.
I know I was thinking about S’ slip up in the chat which said he was my man. But the fact that he didn’t want to continue on the chat meant it really was a ‘slip up’. He said he needed to go for a while, as he used to say but didn’t come back that day.
However, accepting that meant the short sexual play we did on that same chat after that slip up was….again, just that. I was used and played. He wasn’t thinking of rekindling but just wanted some fun in the spur of the moment. I’m sure that he was embarrassed with what he did and that meant he would walk away again. This was an issue. I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed but he would’ve and would’ve not wanted to discuss and would’ve wanted to act like nothing happened. The exact opposite of what I wanted. I just wanted him.
In my private side, it was a turmoil. My dad found stage 4 cancer, cancer metastasis is the word, I think? Did chemo etc. For many reasons, I don’t get along with my dad. But my family are asking why I’m not coming back to my country and visit him before it’s too late. Well…I do not want to, and I also will probably not go to his funeral. That would mean that I won’t be reconciling with dad, but that’s a burden I have to live with. My dad was one of the reasons why when I started to think about getting into a BDSM relationship with S, I nearly pulled out. So many times. If it wasn’t S, I would’ve pulled out. Whilst I want him now, I still wonder if it’s a good idea or not. That’s why i keep on thinking about just one night with him.
That was a tough choice (deciding not to go back) as I saw dad wanting to reconcile. I know I still have time, but no. I cannot smile and forgive what he did to me. Even though that’s what is expected.
I lived like that. A soft smile was my mask for me to hide. At work. In my personal life. Even when I was chatting online via video with S. I quietly observe and notice a lot of things and I am supersensitive about how another person feels about me. But usually, I act as if I noticed nothing.
Behind the mask, I bite my lips but usually say nothing (so the fact that I sent nagging emails is another surprising thing for me. very unlike me). I cry in private. LIving in a foreign country by myself hasn’t been easy. I’m reserved. I’m an extreme introvert. But…funnily I was vocal when something was not right and I speak up about others being treated unfairly, I just didn’t speak up for myself.
But not for my parents. I can’t smile and act like nothing happened. I can be very logical if I want to (OK a weird way to say it). Means, if I want to just shatter someone so bad that they can’t argue back or make excuses, I can. I know I would do it to my parents. I think I partly did it to S as well. Sometimes I corner people too much from my anger.
Then…..the Fet. Oh my….I don’t know where to start. So, S blocked me when we broke up. Of course. Then one day, browsing through Fet, I find my ex boss asking for partners……my mind went blank. There are possibilities that we would work together again given it’s a very small industry due to specialised knowledge required. My profile had a part of my name. I had a face blurred photo on it. At least my race can be ascertained.
It’s easy to say – if he’s on there, why bother? Yes…..of course. And when I think about it, one day late in the office, he and another colleague were talking about sexual stuff (interesting that they thought I won’t say anything…) and there was something that made me stop and think whether he knows about BDSM…. anyway, I didn’t want any more headaches.
So ditched that one, created a new profile. Then, I posted a personal ad. I don’t know why….just a distraction? Or I really wasn’t thinking anything. I had plans to copy over the writings, link it to this website etc…but just didn’t have time to.
One day, I get a notification that I got a message from……S. I look at the notification and realise that it’s the new profile I created. I go check out the message. And he wrote so eloquently again.
I thought….if I didn’t reply to his original message to me the last year, I would’ve replied to this in a heartbeat. Although….I thought some parts were his tactic to get ladies to feel special. Damn. I got tricked by that for sure!
Anyway, I thought for a moment saying nothing to S. But my mind raced and the only thing I could think of, was….I need to tell him……I wasn’t angry that he was messaging others…just that I need to. Stupid me.
I message S and waited for him to come online. He did.
Then, the second mistake. He was in a mood to probably play online sexting so I should’ve taken that path. BUT, stupid me just thinking about ‘I need to tell him’ …I told him.
….Yeah. You get it. He didn’t like it. He thought I made a trap even after I told him why I had created a new profile.
I then, when I was calmer, went back to his new message and notice that he said he hypnotised ‘women’ (i.e. plural) face to face from late last year….so I’m crying that I wasn’t the only one he was messaging when we started to exchange messages. I was crying I wasn’t the one whom he hypnotised face to face so who?
Anyway. It’s too much. I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating. I’m breaking down.
These are all too much for me to take. I’m exhausted. I can’t take this anymore. If I’m exhausted this much, not sure why my body wants to feel someone’s strong force on my skin.
Will a pain confirm that I’m alive?
Will a pleasure make me want to live my life again?
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t want to wake up from sleep. Just don’t want to think about anything. Like tonight. It’s….just too much. Crying for no reason thinking I can’t take it, whatever it is, exhausts me. Living like this every day exhausts me.
I cry about my stupidity that I had some chances of getting S back and lost them.
I don’t feel like I want to try anymore. About everything.