Pandora’s box

I don’t know what to write. I thought about not writing. I thought about writing.

Then I didn’t know what the title should be.

S.

As you could see from my past posts, I am not the type of person who opens up easily. To anyone. I have two best friends, one never having met in person because she is in the USA and I connected with her online. Weird, isn’t it? But it’s true. She left me once because I didn’t give up about S and she kept on telling me that he is not good, or toxic for me.

And one here in Australia who stood by me.

We all three are foreigners living in a country where they weren’t born, without family, living independently. Maybe that’s why I connected with them.

They warned. So many times. They are the only two people who know about my kink (just that I am into it) and who know that I met him through the kink website. They didn’t care about kink. They were initially very happy for me, but for various other reasons warned me to stop.

Back to S.

This time, I wanted to do something differently. I…wanted to be me. Previously, even as a sub, I was acting the sub that the dom wanted. If within my hard limits, I agreed to almost everything. It didn’t matter if I enjoyed it or not. Whilst I say so, it was usually more on the side that I was playing with people who liked softer plays. Somehow, I’m sure that I was trying to protect myself here. That meant I wasn’t really enjoying the BDSM.

Because sometimes, I just longed for harsher plays that would take me to a trance that I can immerse myself in the moment. The Dom will be only looking at me and my reactions. My every sense will be following every move of the Dom. His movement, his breathing, any sound that he makes or does not make. Thinking how I would look to him, what I was expected to do.

Saying that, it’s a very intense play. I will be opening up every part of me to him. I need to be honest with him. It’s not a play that every Dom wants. It’s not a play that I want to engage with any Dom.

The funny thing is that when I first dipped my toe into the BDSM in the country I came from, I jumped into the deep end. I was just lucky that I was engaging with the masters who were highly skilled at this. They are the masters who we have lost. An old generation Doms. I was so lucky that none took advantage of me.

Anyway, for some reason, and for the first time in 30 years, I wanted to engage in that kind of intense BDSM. Whether the play itself involves an intense/harsh play (e.g. pain wise) or not, is not the issue. I wanted to find someone who could dominate me in such a way.

I also wanted to enjoy sex. Weird, isn’t it? I finally was able to admit that I can’t enjoy sex without BDSM and domination. And I wanted to enjoy sex. I’d never admitted that I want sex and enjoy it. It’s my upbringing. This time, I wanted to.

I wanted to only engage with a Dom who I can look up to, admire and respect. No more pretending that I was feeling such. No acting. Trying to act like I respect the Dom when I don’t ….is a burden in itself. I also wanted the Dom to dominate who I am. Not a sub who was acting. Moreover, I wanted someone who wouldn’t let me act even if I wanted to. I’m a complex person. I’m so dominant in my day-to-day life and inside, I’m so submissive.

Then met S as I’ve written before. He was good at making me talk honestly about what I want. Whilst I did make up my mind that I wanted to be honest, it wasn’t easy. He gave me a space where I could express myself. Freely. Judgment free, he said. I told what I had been dreaming for. For 30 years. What I wanted. How I wanted. Expressing myself as much as I could.

However, I revealed too much about myself. A slut who would do anything for pleasure and pain wasn’t what he wanted. How I wanted to be dominated by him. Wanted rough sex by him.

He somehow was able to make me feel relaxed and it’s Ok to come. This was weird. I’d never come. So how did it happen? I don’t know.

But I think….it was just a game for him. He enjoyed that he could control me so easily. That meant he had nothing to conquer any more. I seemed to have suddenly become a nuisance for him. I was lost.

I was worried about so many things. But he was not the type of person who wants to discuss. He makes his own decisions and nothing could change his mind. I saw so many issues that I wanted to discuss with him, but we didn’t have time, and he didn’t even have time to text.

In the hindsight, I should’ve sent the email then, not now. For some reason, I didn’t want to because these were things that we should discuss face to face (video or in person), not write. Whilst I can write, nothing beats a discussion, and untangling realtime was what was needed. I kept on waiting for him to come over to where I lived so that I could discuss my concerns.

But we didn’t and the worst thing I had feared happened. He just lost interest in me.

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All the online interactions with him ignited a small fire of sex in myself. That was momentarily extinguished when I was playing by sexts and voices with him.

When we stopped to communicate….because he said that he had lost interest in me, I could not cope. The problem was that we haven’t played together. We haven’t slept together.

I felt like I failed again. In a different way.

I trusted him too much. I told him too much about myself. The fact that there is a person out there who knows about this much, and about sex and BDSM, was a fear. Unbelievably scary thing.

I also wanted sex so much. Probably because I was thinking about it so often since I started to talk to him online.

But it can’t be anyone. I know how I’m not ‘normal’. It needed to be combined with BDSM, and it needs to be rough sex. The rougher the better. It takes a lot of time to build up the trust that’s necessary to let the man do that to me, and also to tell them that that’s what I want. I don’t think I would do this ever again.

Many would say, there will be someone else. No. It took me 30 years to be honest but if this is the result, I don’t want to reveal so much about myself. I just can’t. I now feel so embarrassed that I told him that much. I shouldn’t have. All my dreams about sex /BDSM. Telling him what I wanted him to do to me. What I dreamt of. How hot I got with his sexts and stories. It’s the words I can’t take back from my mouth or my texts.

I cried and cried for losing someone I wanted as my Dom. I cried more about my embarrassment telling him too much.

***

Early this month, I was writing something on a chat with him. He wasn’t reading them, so I don’t know why I used it as a dumping ground to write about my sexual needs and BDSM. maybe I thought one day, if he feels like it, he would come and read.

Then when I didn’t imagine, S logged on.

He wrote…..if I wanted a man, he is.

What? What am I reading? He said he had some wines, but…I don’t think that would’ve made him write something like this. We had a bit of a chat, he gave me a command to come, and I did.

Whether he meant it or not, I should’ve stopped there. I got confused, but the issue was that my skin, my heart, my brain, everything wanted that strong sensation of coming by his command. The things that I tried not to imagine and forget….imagining about his domination and sex….is back.

There is something in me that is difficult to control. I want sex. I want to be dominated. And I want now. I cry and cry and I just want it uncontrollably. It’s almost difficult to push them down. I can’t come by masturbating. I can’ come by toys.

Then, you know what? I used some dirty words that I’d never used before and sent him messages because I really couldn’t (and can’t) stop my thirst….my….longing for rough sex.

S said it’s disturbing.

I was actually surprised when I wrote those messages to him, because I didn’t even think I could write like that. I probably got too easy with him and thought I can say anything but he was disgusted. And that made me realise what I said. I revealed myself too much. Again. I still don’t know how I trust him too much. But those were my true feelings.

I want sex so badly.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve never wanted sex so much in my life. I don’t care if I come with the sex because I know I want to physically feel someone. But for multiple reasons, I know I can’t have sex with anyone.

I want to go back to the time that I didn’t have this much sexual thirst. I used to push down these when I had them. But I can’t. I just can’t now and it’s so painful.

It’s partly wanting to come and get a release, but more than that, I feel like my skin wants to be dominated and taken roughly. Emptying my mind.

It’s not peaceful sex I want, either.

I can’t control it and I never had this much longing for sex. I feel like I’ve gone crazy.

Probably, having sex with S once and not coming will stop it. Silly as it may be, I can stop myself from coming and if I don’t come even with S, I can give up….haha….not making sense. But I do think so. If he can’t make me come, noone can. Can I stop me from coming? I hope so to give up sex.

I’ve opened Pandora’s Box but I don’t see any hope left at the bottom of my box.