Repeated mistakes

I thought I won’t be a doormat this time.

I thought I could be strong. But I wasn’t able to.

I thought I chose someone who will not treat me as a doormat.

In the end, I was only a doormat.

I’m sad and crying more than be angry. I should be angry but I can’t be. Because I still have feelings to him as someone I looked up as a dom. I can’t be like caucasian ladies who can scream. I wish I could. But I can’t and just cry in the bed everyday. I want to smile and say it’s ok. Say to him that it’s ok because I know that as annoyed as he is with me, he would be worried, but I can’t.

Because I wanted this to work. This BDSM relationship. It would have been my last sexual relationship and BDSM

I wanted to have fun. Sexual fun. Something light and enjoyable at times. Sometimes serious domination. It’s so rare to find someone who can do both.

So my sexual and bdsm life is over. I wish I was able to enjoy sex and come. I wasn’t able to before because I trusted no man. Sex with someone who used hypnosis helped me before to open the door to my climax but I still didn’t fully come. Because I needed to be dominated and he wasn’t a dom.

I trusted him. I trusted too much. just like before.

On the other hand, I didn’t trust myself. I wanted to trust that I am sexually attractive but couldn’t be. No words from him, although I trusted, didn’t sink into me. Because we were relying too much on texts.

I needed to see his face. Body language to believe. I was looking forward to him saying directly to me that I am beautiful in my own way. He told me so many times in his texts but I wanted to see his eyes, hear his voice to believe it.

And I was secretly looking forward to that moment. The moment that he will say it. The moment I could see in his eyes and his body that he was sexually excited. With me.

Then, if that moment came, I thought I would be able to believe him and his words. That he wasn’t saying just to seduce me but he really means it.

No amount of text was enough to make me believe that he was interested in me. i wish I could believe his words but I couldn’t. It doesn’t substitute the tone, nuance and warmth of the voice, which I wanted.

The communication through mostly texts and writings can only go so far. It’s no substitute to voice calls and video calls.

I should be angry but I can’t. I asked to discuss properly but that was denied too. It made me feel completely worthless.

But for a second I was in a dreamy world, dreaming of crazy sex that I always longed for and strict submission. He took me to that world. And how much I wanted to experience his world that he would give me – not just online but I wanted to feel him.

I still remember how excited we were when we were planning for his overnight stay. I was talking to a counsellor about him and I asked ‘can I just answer this text?’ Because I didn’t want to worry him that I was not replying to him for any other reason. It disn’t happen, unfortunately.

Not anyone else’s world. his world. That’s what I wanted to experience. To be his sub.

I kept on thinking – with texts and with emails – I wanted him to know what I was thinking but I had troubles. I don’t know why. There were feelings that I couldn’t express. I looked upEnglish words online and in dictionaries but couldn’t find an appropriate word. Such times, i cursed myself about not having enough vocabularies. Such times, I tried writing several times in different ways and I still couldn’t. Such times, I wished I could write in my native language and still be understood.

It just resulted in too many repeated emails. Probably a 10 minutes video call would’ve solved it. Maybe. Probably feeling him in person would’ve solved it because I am sure there are things that I cannot express in words but my facial expression, tone of voice and my body would’ve told him without using words. My pleasure. Me looking up at him as a sub.

I had a lot that I wanted to say at our coffee meet but I didn’t want to talk about sex at 9:30 in the morning and he was on his way to a meeting. When we briefly met again after his work was finished, he was tired and wasn’t in the mood to talk about sex and bdsm. I wish I just did.

I cried so many days and nights and I still can cry.

I wish I was able to experience how it feels to be dominated by a person I chose as a dom, and what it feels to climax.

That door is closed. I won’t have time to look for someone, trust someone before a part of me will be removed due to health reasons. I don’t know when, but it won’t be long.

I still can’t be angry. I’m just sad.