Whilst I’ve deleted the post which I asked and went looking for someone on Fet (because that was a big mistake), I still get messages from people who won’t read any of my profile or writings. Most of them, I don’t even reply. Too many of those ones, unfortunately. Some, because of the courtesy they’ve shown, I may say no thanks because I am trying to see what happens with another person. Even in the latter group, I haven’t seen anyone who wrote well as him, S. OK. I’m getting sick of calling him ‘he/him’ because it gets in my way of writing men in general and him.
When I posted the ad, I was determined that I won’t settle for anything less than I wanted.
I’ve had enough of being taken advantage of myself and keep on smiling. In vanilla and in BDSM.
And S appears. What are the chances? It’s not just the profile, all interactions on Fet are disclosed and what S was posting on groups said a lot about S. What other person’s writings S like. They tell a lot more than what’s on S’ personality and more than the messages he sent. What I like about Fet and what I also hate about Fet.
(Oh by the way, if someone writes S’s, when referring to possessives, they can get lost. They can get lost if someone uses S’s for plural….lol (of course, when not referring to someone’s name, that is))
It isn’t fair to compare S with other doms. I’m not even sure if I would compare apples to apples if I do. S is so special and so different from anyone I’ve met, vanilla or online.
Is this the case of the grass being greener on the other side? No. Well, maybe. I can say that S is luscious grass compared to dried out, weed-infested patch of dirt. OK. That’s not fair.
I can say one of the vanilla partners was a nice looking sprout of green on the other side but was taken away from me before it flourished, involuntarily for both of us. Recently, I suddenly realised that I’ve locked the memory in my heart and tried to not think of him, except for a few special occasions every year. It was interesting that talking to S brought back the memory and made me think that I shouldn’t be locking him away.
It also appealed to me that there will be no mix up between our day to day life and our dark side, BDSM. Some may be able to live with that, but I can’t. I would prefer lasting and constantly fiery passion and desire over day to day coexistence with S.
How I felt in my adult life – I feel disposable. I’ve been disposable my entire adult life – in love, at least. Being used. I’m going through the motions, waiting for the next person to be done with me, to walk away.
I hope S isn’t done with me. I know that what makes S invaluable and indispensable made this ‘relationship’ difficult for him. The exact aspects of S that I loved, and probably the part S loves about me, made it difficult.
I know I’ve had issues with both sex and BDSM. I’m not looking S to fix it. All I want is that I can have ‘fun’ with sex and BDSM that I haven’t experienced. Because the underlying issue for me not being able to have fun was more about trust issues, I know S can. I know we can have fun.
S is smart (OK how many times do I need to say it?). With the people who aren’t smart, they couldn’t keep up with me. I couldn’t understand them, either.
S cares about everyone in his circles, even a sub that he hasn’t met.
S is dominant (obviously😛) . I have no intention of dominating him. He would be a difficult person to dominate as he would probably look for someone smarter than him. lol The thought of his submitting just made me laugh for the first time in 1.5 months. Oh so, S is able to still make me laugh. I need to get rid of the image came into my mind.
S keeps his promises. Well….yeah. That’s big for me. This is why if he had told me he would do ABC to end this, but he hasn’t done them, I logically assume that he accepted that I can wait., which was an alternative. Also, I still believe that he isn’t communicating with others. As I wrote before, I don’t think that was the case when we initially started messaging, but I’m quite certain that he stopped at one point.
S is funny and made me laugh (as above!).
S has wealth of knowledge. (yep, saying he is smart again, but being smart and having knowledge are different things. You can be one but not the other). S is also eager to absorb any new knowledge too.
S can be rough (i can only trust his words and his sexts) but S has a sensitive side to him. Anyone can see it from his interactions with others on the Fet. How he picked up my thoughts and emotions between the lines of our messages. That sensitive side is something that I love. If S was someone who is insensitive, I would not have been in love with him.
S is sincere. Is this the same with keeping promises? No, it’s broader.
S is complicated and that complexity makes him attractive (for me! Call me a weirdo).
What are some of the problems with my Mr green grass? Too much thinking, his sincerity, indecisiveness. If S reads this, he would likely say ‘I’m the opposite of indecisiveness!!!’ but I will only smile and keep my mouth shut. S will make on the spot decisions and live with the consequences like I do. It’s what we are required to do at our work, in a different way, and we’ve been trained that way.
The fact and the core of what makes S, S, get in our way. I knew S thought and thought about us, how we can make it work, and S wasn’t sure about it. Initially, I was the one who wasn’t sure about this, and then S started thinking.
I know S was thinking it’s better to stop before we go any step further. The person who S is, makes it a bit difficult, but we can. I do not want to leave without us giving it a chance. Because of who S is. Mr gem (mmm. it’s not a diamond. Something more beautiful. Opal? I love opal with different colours and even can be firey and yes, my image is that S is a fire Opal) . Mr green grass (why did the image of a horse eating grass come to my mind?).
Our lives got in our way. It is also this new era of post COVID world. It’s not the distance issue, I say.
The only thing that keeps me from losing all faith is that I know S will tell me when S really is done, when he has no feelings towards me anymore when S wants me to simply leave his life completely. He hasn’t done that yet.
I’m supposed to be a woman who faces life head on, stays strong, smiles and cracks a sarcastic joke. I’m supposed to keep a brave face. I’m supposed to remember that other people have it worse.
But I can’t. S is a gem. It’s very difficult to let S go, before we spend time. I’ve never met someone like S and I know I won’t. Like…it took me almost 30 years to meet someone like him. Not a vanilla partner, but a BDSM partner that I wanted. If I met him as a vanilla partner, it wouldn’t have worked.
Is this stalking and obsession? lol. Maybe. I don’t know because I haven’t wanted anyone this much. I say it’s more of a little girl in me wanting a Daddy dom. No, I just wanted to tease S because he kept on saying he wasn’t a Daddy dom…..but S’ BDSM score says he is a Daddy. 😛 (I was very nice and didn’t point that to him) If I really wanted to stalk S…I think there are other things I can do, but I won’t. 😂🤔
I’m a woman who loves with my entire being – even if that ‘love’ is limited to love as a submissive. My love flows out of every pore. It begins within my soul. You could have had the world, and you let it slip away.
I give everything that I am. I sacrifice. I lose sleep. I worry. I hurt when you hurt. Not because I think I’m supposed to. Not because I want your admiration. Fuck that. I do it because that’s what you do when you love someone.
I bestow my smiles, my laughter, my passion, my sexuality on the one I love, the one I adore.
Is it too much for a part-time Dom? No. I don’t think so. Similar to how S compartmentalises his life, I do too. And in the BDSM life, I fully give what I can, in that compartmentalised life. I don’t expect any more than what S could give me in that portion of his life.
Until he says so, I am happy to wait for S. If it takes another few months, that’s life. I can wait. But I need to have something to hold on to, which are daily chit chats and S’ stories. I don’t want to feel like I’m fading away. The morning and night short texts and simple ‘x’ keep me happy that I haven’t been forgotten.
I thought I finally was content and was happy with my life, until it ends. It wasn’t until recently that I felt so. Then, met S. It’s almost like my goal has been moved further away from me.
I didn’t think I would meet someone like S, who is so similar but so opposite. We joked about how we are complimentary in our personality tests, but that’s only what is shown above the water. What is under the water is what makes us complimentary.
I’m definitely not an easy person. I’m too complex too. I know that. That’s why I gave up that there would be someone who understands me. I don’t trust people easily. S would laugh if he reads this. But it’s true. I may let some people into one layer beneath my outer wall, but never further. Not my family. Not my friend. S was the only person who found a way to come closer. I didn’t tell S what to do. How to do. Bits by bits he found his way in. There must have been times S was frustrated with my walls, but he didn’t give up.
That makes S different from others. That makes S my dom that I want to submit.
It’s not my intention to intentionally put walls up so that there is a challenge to people. No, it’s just that the walls are too high and thick, I don’t know how to take them down.
You can only ever truly feel and love wildly if you open up all parts of your heart without any restrictions or reservations. But that is also when its defences are down and it’s susceptible to the greatest dangers. Regardless of its immense strength, your heart is also the most vulnerable part of you. Exposed too much it can be subjected to a level of pain the likes of which your body never thought it was capable of. Yes. The dangers. That is what is happening at the moment. My walls are about to go up again, and I think I will never let anyone come closer to me, if I did. Not even S.
I’m happy not to act in front of S and without walls. I too, am scared as I’ve always acted in front of others. Sexual partners, in particular. I thought I could just act and fool everyone so that they see what they wanted to see. That was my way of protecting myself, not to be hurt.
I so wish S has some time next week, when I’m off work for few days. I can meet wherever S wants. It would have been great if we could spend time for sex, but I just don’t think that’s possible….he must be busy as always.
I hope, at least, S would start talking to me. Back on messages. I know you are still thinking. I want to be let in, in that process of thoughts.