I thought I was happy. Good job, relatively good pay. Because I changed careers in my early 30s, I’m slower than others in terms of where I would want to be, at my age. But I’ve asked for and got what I want to go up the corporate ladders in these few years.
Certain people at my last workplace gave me a chance to be confident about myself again. I used to think job titles aren’t important, but that changed when some people didn’t respect my work just because of the title I didn’t have. When I look back, the previous company had an unconscious bias toward Asians.
It’s interesting that I didn’t realise about it until I moved to my current company, which is a European company, but so many Asians and non-Caucasians are in senior management, selected on skills and experience.
The current workplace gave me a chance to confirm that I can confidently do my role and that I am really good at it. Also made me realise that I love what I do. Come up with solutions. Talk to anyone in the company in the language they understand. Persuade people. Charm people so that I can make them do what they may not want to do (but need to do).
Make strategic decisions that are important for the company. The pressure of making important decisions on my own (because everyone was so nice and didn’t question when I made a decision) did initially stress me a little, but I’m now confident that I can. Most of the things at work are fixable. It’s interesting that I know that when it’s related to others, but forget about myself.
At the time when I met him, I was starting to regain my confidence and I thought I had everything I wanted. No, I thought I had what I needed. Whilst money isn’t everything when I think about happiness, it still weighs a lot when I live in a very expensive city alone. So, finally earning a good amount made me sigh a relief. I was also doing other stuff that I always wanted to do, like buying my piano (it’s a long story about a constant battle with my parents who stopped me from pursuing a music or art career).
But when I met him, I realised that I didn’t even know that I needed ‘it’.
I can’t even remember why I put an ad on Fet. Maybe I was so tired from long hours working from home for 2 years and needed some break. I hadn’t gone on Fet for a long time, and I don’t really remember why I went there. My single friends were busy with online dating, so maybe I thought that I should go to Fet rather than vanilla dating sites because I knew that I won’t be happy with vanilla sex.
I usually go look for a sexual partner when I am either really happy or really stressed. It’s very difficult to know which bucket I was in when I went to Fet.
There were lots of messages. Most of them went to the bin. Some were nice, but when I saw that the person had a vanilla or BDSM partner, I said no.
With him, I don’t know why I broke all the rules I had. I don’t even exchange messages if a person has a partner. No long distance. Do not let men act like my Dom before even we meet. Every rule was broken. I’m so bad. lol. Where is that me who is very good at work?
Until I met him and understood him, I don’t think I had understood who I was looking for. Previously, my ex BDSM partner who eventually became my boyfriend had the position of my ideal partner. He was too kind, too nice, not dominant enough and we were too alike. I thought I wouldn’t meet someone like him. But he easily jumped above this ex-partner. That’s why even though ex-partner wanted to come back to me, I didn’t agree.
It certainly helped that what we want to do, in terms of sex and BDSM were close. But that, unless he really preferred what are my hard limits, I can be flexible. I’m sure that he hasn’t told me about what he really wants to do. Also, once I told him what my hard limits are, I trusted him that he wouldn’t ignore them. It’s amazing how many people would just ignore the limits. I mean intentionally. It’s fine if they got excited and forget about the limits, but some are…so evil.
Even with things we had already agreed on, I’m sure there are nuances that can’t be explained. For example, the pain I want and the pain he wants to inflict may be different. However, that’s a small issue in my mind.
Given the lockdown, and our messaging (which was probably too much), we had concerns. I had a concern that I didn’t voice, but it was quickly apparent that he had the same concern. Which, I have to say, unfortunately, eventuated. I know that that’s why he started to engage in more sexual texts and role-plays via texts. That probably tired him too. It’s not easy trying to come up with different stories 3 times a week!
I think he said in his Fet post, that whether the BDSM relationship works or not, it’s all about whether the other person ‘gets’ it or not. I totally agree and for me, it wasn’t all about sex and BDSM. Work, our life, BDSM and sex. It’s hard to get a person who ‘gets’ ‘it’ – which can’t be really explained and understands me. It’s difficult to say, which comes first. Who we are in vanilla life, or who we are in relation to BDSM/sex. And whether the other person gets it or not, isn’t something that I can’t express if someone asked what I am looking for. Someone who understands the complexity of who I am. Someone who still respects me for who I am in my vanilla life but lets me be someone different and who I want to be, in my BDSM/sex life.
It’s everything isn’t it? Personality, whether we can keep up our conversation, BDSM, sex. If we are talking about something that is on news, the conversation won’t continue, if the other person had no clue about what I was talking about. Oh, I do have a bad habit of not keeping the messages strictly BDSM or sex. I don’t like it anyway, so whilst I know that there is a danger, I can’t message a person who talks only about sex.
Even about BDSM and sex – it’s not all about ‘what we physically want to do’. That’s why there are very few hard limits for me. My dream is that the Dom uses me for his pleasure and I am like a sex doll that he uses as he pleases. Having said ‘helpless’, my role is to still observe the Dom and think on the spot, about what Dom wants me to do to excite him. If I do not obey, then the question is….will the Dom notice if I intentionally disobey?
Yeah, and I don’t think he wants a motionless, quiet sex doll either. lol. But I just want someone who I trust, to let my mind go blank and make me react how he wants me to feel. It’s a lot to ask. It’s not easy as you think.
Flipside of it is that, whilst I want the Dom to do anything he wants to do, if I don’t react in the way that Dom expected me to, he won’t be excited.
This mind game with someone who gets me excites me.
So this spiral or helix is what excites me. So he needs someone who gets it, and I need someone who gets it. I haven’t had someone who gets it.
I know he will have no issue finding someone else. I have an issue finding someone like him, now that I ‘met’ him. How can I let someone like him go? Yes yes. I still have concern that even if he is nice enough to have a BDSM session, I might not react as I want to, and disappoint him.
But I know that the fact that someone like him wants to dominate me, and see him get excited, will excite me so much.
And that he has a rough side of him that he won’t show to anyone else? How exciting? My dream BDSM does include ‘almost rape’ play and invasive sex. It’s not simple as CNC. CNC is a much broader category. This rape play, is something that I can say to anyone that that is my dream. That’s why I brought it up with him, for the first time in my life.
I can be stubborn. I’m not ready to let this go, until he says it is really over. How can I? If you finally find your master, how can you let the hand go?
If I understood him, I think he may be still thinking as I have been.
Yes. I now know what I always wanted but could not express as a list. Someone who really ‘gets’ ‘it’. Someone who can do anything to me, and me being happy about that fact. It’s the only person whose approval matters to me. I thought I don’t need anyone’s approval.
I am very bad at expressing what I feel. I’ve found someone who understands me, even if I don’t say anything. I think I was reading between the lines about his messages, he was as well.
It’s very difficult to find what I wanted and abruptly be taken away.
So crazy as it is, I keep on thinking and waiting for him to contact me again. If not, that was very quiet but my first and last love as a sub. I’ve never opened up my heart like this before. I’ve never found someone who I can accept what he says (except when he says it’s over! lol).
So I wait. Everyday waiting is like a knife wound added to my heart….by I hope I hear from him…. (by the way, how can I stop these stomach pains which DO feel like someone stabbing it? 😱)