I wrote an opinion piece about sexual assault, what that does to women and the social issues lying underneath. In my other language and for a major newspaper in that country. It got published yesterday and I know it’s getting a lot of traction on the Internet.
I’m happy that it is, but honestly I wrote it so long ago, I even forgot about it. I realised that it was published as it appeared on my twitter feed trending. Good and bad. I expected some harsh comments, especially from men and I read them.
That’s fine as was expected. It was an article aimed at such men but I could understand that there will be men who would never understand.
It triggered me to go do some digging. First time since the sexual assault, I’ve checked my archived messages on the site we met and my phone messages too. I was thinking about what happened.
The revelation? I didn’t mention rough sex.
Unlike Fet where I have rough sex as my preferred play, I hadn’t listed it there. Yes, happy to have sex but that was the extent I agreed. He didn’t mention rough sex anywhere (in writing and from memory I don’t think he mentioned it in person).
That actually gave me some relief.
I also remembered that whilst I said before that I didn’t do enough screening, which is half true. Because I asked the right questions when I was messaging back and forth, went to his house and then we sat for about 90 minutes talking about BDSM and other topics.
It’s weird. In my mind, I felt like I asked for it, didn’t screen enough and the things I spoke at the house were more about things that were not about BDSM.
Why on earth I thought that it’ll be easier for me if I thought in my mind that I asked for it, is a complete mystery. What I also found out is the fact that the perpetrator didn’t think that it was an assault. He wanted to meet again.
I’m not sure which is better. I must’ve thought that thinking ‘it’s my fault’ made it easier to brush it off.
There are definitely parts of that assault that were his kink (but were not my kink and caused trauma in me), and parts that were not his kink and should not have been allowed. Sex without a condom and told me afterwards that he had a vasectomy is the latter. Now, as I wrote, I was on the pill and am, so other than sexual diseases, pregnancy wouldn’t have been an issue. I had knowledge about morning-after pills and got it in case. Unfortunately, sex itself was painful from my physical issues at that time. Also, what was his kink was not my kink.
These, made me feel that it was an assault rather than a consensual BDSM.
Back to my present.
I asked ‘him’ that I wanted rough sex. It wasn’t meant to be using him as a floating device whilst I was still thinking about the above ‘assault’ and sex. However, I have a feeling that he may have thought so, and it may have pushed him away or at least made him concerned. No, he was not.
What’s the difference? By just saying ‘I’m into rough sex’ to him, will everything be justified? No.
It’s the trust issue but also about understanding him.
It was also me wanting to be part of his kink.
He was honest about what the definition of his ‘rough sex’ is. It was also easy to understand what he had in mind was, from his fantasies and sexts.
I could’ve said No to something if I didn’t feel comfortable. At any point.
None of the stuff on his fantasies concerned me, rather made me happy that we are thinking along the same lines.
I also have full trust that if I said something is wrong or ask him to stop, he would. Whilst I don’t ask to stop once we are in BDSM with anyone, I never thought I couldn’t.
Third. I want to breathe and experience ‘his’ and ‘my’ kink.
Honestly talking with him made me realise I always wanted rough sex and that it was in my mind. Of course, I didn’t experience it before because I never admitted it. When it was in my imagination all along, and when I admitted it, it became part of my kink that I wanted to experience. The reason that I saw the previous meeting as an assault was this, of course.
Also, just because I say I want rough sex doesn’t mean that I want rough sex with anyone. His idea of rough sex matched what I wanted. And as a sub, I wanted to be part of his kink, his fantasy when I opened my heart that he can be my Sir.
His ‘rough sex’ includes both physical and non-physical aspects. I need those non-physical aspects as well. The words used. How he would say it. Knowing that he is enjoying it. Knowing that he enjoys degrading me as a play but having full confidence he treats me as an equal outside BDSM. Knowing that he respects me as a person. Knowing that he adjusts the play so that I will enjoy it. Knowing that being dominated makes me hot. Knowing that I want sex as a part of our play. Knowing that I respect and admire him.
Another example of how he is different from the assailant. He said that he had tested for sexual disease and that if I was on a pill, he trusted me that I was, so wanted to have sex without a condom. There, he laid out the full option and let me choose. It’s not just about the condom. He would’ve used it if I said I was not comfortable. I also had an option to get the morning after pill in hand before, and not rushing into a pharmacy after. By the way, I don’t think I need it. I have a choice for me.
The result of the previous BDSM would’ve been different if that person was open before the session. Not after.
That’s the rough play I want. That’s why I can’t find someone so easily! I won’t be a part of a kink of anyone. I need to have a desire to be part of his kink so our kinks click together.