I’m an extremely private person. 98% introvert, as my current boss joked.
But I was thinking about what I did before.
I went to several BDSM/sex parties. And this was instigated by me, not my partner. I dragged him promising different things, which might’ve been fulfilled (may have not). Some were private parties where I felt really safe. And of course, my partner was there with me because I dragged him to them. I hate to be touched by someone else, or someone else to touch my partner when we are having sex. But the partner didn’t do as I asked (not) to do, so the end wasn’t a good one for me. But, I loved to watch everyone play or enjoy sex or a BDSM. Mmmmm…am I a voyeur?
Other parties were more like events about sex or BDSM. Again, loved to see what was happening and enjoyed people playing or having sex. It was more like a closing event for a week long BDSM event which turned into some crazy BDSM/sex party after midnight. Well, I did know the organiser so I knew it would turn into a play party. So went there knowing what would happen.
Not that I had sex with others. That was an absolute do-not-go-there- limit. I just loved the atmosphere. And even just dragging my partner on the floor and having sex with me on top. I am scratching my head how on earth I ended up in a cowgirl position. Maybe I had too much alcohol….but no. I was the designated driver so I didn’t drink. It just shows I can get crazy too. So I was sober. lol.
When I look back, I don’t even know why I wanted to go to these. I wasn’t fit, maybe weighed more than what I am now, but I also saw really big ladies enjoying at the parties and I remember thinking ‘oh it’s so nice to see that they are enjoying’.
When I was at the parties, I did have different wigs on, different makeups on, and of course, corsets or steampunk on. It probably felt like I was someone different. But that doesn’t explain the sex I had with my partner….or how I liked watching things around me.
Sigh. No parties post COVID. And I don’t have a partner to whom I can say ‘I want to go there’….even if there is.
My mind is wired weirdly. I can’t understand ‘me’. This person who my friends and colleagues and family see. And the person who acts crazy.