When I cry at night that I can’t climax, that’s on the top of my list to worry.
Because when I wasn’t able to, it made me feel defective. Then, with his help, starting to loosen up my body and my mind, but that came to a sudden halt too. I’m also working too much, so probably physically tired too, to come. But if the same toy that gave me pleasure before is just a plastic toy now that does nothing, there is something wrong with me.
I maintain control in nearly every facet of my life. Even when I should let go a little, I exercise whatever control I can. I know that. Work…I guess I have to. That’s the nature of my work.
I guess BDSM is the extreme way of handing over the control. That’s pretty apparent. When I was young, it took a more ‘physical’ form. Such as bondage, and shibari. I wanted to lose control but I knew I will try to regain control by moving my body parts around, I even hated myself when the pain was inflicted but I try to avoid it.
So I liked the calmness that I felt when I was bound. The state that I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. And I was lucky that I was playing with absolute masters of rope play. I wasn’t skinny at that point, but they made it feel like my weight can’t be felt.
Now that I am older, I wanted a different way of handing over control over me. I still long for pain, for some reason. Maybe I just want to believe that I am still into BDSM.
Truth is, it doesn’t matter if it is called BDSM or not. When I first started communicating with him, he was talking about bondage and rough sex and those were enough for me.
I am also adaptable too. ‘Who’ I have sex or BDSM with, is more important than what we do. (Except for the cases that what we want is totally different or he is into things that are off-limits for me)
I’ll sidetrack for a moment – Thinking back…when he talked about rough sex and some bondage – to me, that was more to a ‘vanilla’ side. And because he had a partner, to me, I didn’t want to be a lover in terms of vanilla sex. I could allow myself to have sex with him, if I was a sub and within BDSM. He must’ve sensed my thinking, as how he phrased it to me was absolutely the same way too. He had vanilla lovers too, so I’m sure for him, that wasn’t an issue. It was for me.
That’s probably why I wanted some things that were clearly within BDSM, which are things like pain. It wasn’t a ‘must’ for me, but to sleep with him, it was a ‘must’. If he wasn’t attached, I’m sure I wouldn’t have asked for these ‘extras’.
Unlike my previous partners, I felt that I finally found someone I could hand over control during sex. Whether that was BDSM or not. To trust someone so much that you will do whatever they demand /command /request? That excites me to the maximum extent. But whilst I was a sub, I don’t think that I ever handed that control to Doms before without being bound. And then, unfortunately, when I was playing with people who bound me, I didn’t have sex with them, so I never handed over control over sex.
I want the trust, the willingness, the desire to please – knowing that what I give, I will receive ten-fold.
Is that my ultimate fantasy? Not the sex scenes that play in my head everyday…but this? Trust as a fantasy?
I know my fantasy is for someone I trust to use me as he pleases. Where I won’t have any say in it. Gag me, put a mask on me if necessary. Bind me, with bondage. No, that person, if I trust, should be able to bind me by his words alone. Bind me by his spell so that I will do anything to feel the pleasure he gives me.
That’s why I don’t look for a partner after a partner. If I am hurt like the last time, I’ll say to myself that I handed over control to the wrong person.
However, nothing excites me like finding someone over who I can hand total control. It’s not also easy as that person needs to agree to control me in the private. I’m….lol…..so difficult person to control.
I was never into a BDSM outside the bedroom. Whether it’s online or not.
I was surprised that there was someone I can listen to his words, accept them and could bind me with his words, outside the bedroom. I’m not talking about sexts or hypnos. The way he changed me in the last 6 months is surprising.
That’s why it’s hot for me.
Not sure if I would ever find someone like him. That’s why I said this could be the end of my sex/BDSM life. It’s a bit sad that I can’t climax from sex, isn’t it? I don’t care if I don’t come when masturbating. Whilst it makes me frustrated and cries because I feel like I’m back to the defective person, I was more excited with the prospect of coming by sex, in his arms. Trapping me and guarding me. Listening to the words that he comes up to control me however he wishes to.
That’s what I was dreaming.