There are things I can control.
There are things I cannot control.
I can control my fucking own emotions.
I cannot control someone else’s emotions.
After we started exchanging messages, I noticed that he was starting to be attracted to me. I’m not saying this to boast about how good I am. Just a mere fact. Two adults being attracted to each other. If not, why would we even continue? I didn’t hide that I was. He was concerned about his own emotions. Because this for him was about casual fun. Having a lover on the side when he could visit where I live. BDSM vs vanilla relationship. Keep them separate. I was fine with that. I started to communicate with him, fully understanding what he wanted.
I noticed that he had concerns about his own emotions, but I didn’t say anything as that’s not what I can do too much about it. I can tell him a thousand times that it wouldn’t be an issue but those words won’t mean anything if he didn’t believe in them. And they didn’t mean anything because it was about his own feelings and not about how I felt about him.
I do think that I am too serious about ‘any’ relationships because as I said, I need to pour some emotions into them to have sexual relationships. That’s who I am. I tried to suggest to him that I can keep it casual as I can, but interestingly, he wasn’t the kind of person who could just treat me like a prostitute either. Because I think he is the same. An example is the previous one-off sex that he had. If it was only about sex and fun, that one should’ve worked better than ours and would have continued. It’s complex because I know I was attracted to him because he is that kind of person. If it was about casual sex for me, I would’ve found someone else.
Sometimes he was honest that he had issues about this. Sometimes he wasn’t. He did not want to admit it and turned a blind eye.
The first big fight, one month in, which almost ended our relationship wasn’t what it seemed to be on the surface of it. He changed what he was accusing me of several times during the fight. Almost to the point, it wasn’t making sense.
Right before the fight erupted, he referred to the planned coffee meet as Rubicon. I didn’t have to look up what it meant, I exactly knew what it meant and why he used the word but thought why is he referring to a coffee meet as such? Isn’t that too dramatic?
What really happened was that he was eager to grab anything that would give him a reason not to proceed any further. I noticed that but I acted as if I didn’t. He is a big boy. He isn’t dumb. He needed to come to terms on his own. I have to say that trying to pull him back when what was happening at the surface and the below water were different was….very difficult for me. I had to kill two birds with one stone.
He was afraid about his feelings toward me and every time we were discussing having sex and BDSM session, in person, he felt he wanted to pull out. He wanted to find a reason not to proceed.
Several times, he pulled himself back so that he didn’t feel like he was too attracted to me. Not too close to me. I’ve noticed it but again I had to let him because he had to decide. I can’t lead him to the water…(ok he is not a horse…)
Again, sometimes he was honest. The other times, he wasn’t.
He probably thought I didn’t notice when he was hiding. I did, dear. I’m not that dumb or insensitive to others’ feelings. It was all in messages, written down as well I read them over and over to the extent I almost memorised them. Analysed them. His words. My words. Both of them. What wasn’t written there too meant a lot.
He was very nervous when we decided to meet for a coffee. It was initially supposed to be an overnight session but he changed it to a short coffee meeting.
He tried to convince himself that I am not that dangerous to him. Not that attractive enough that he would derail his marriage. He thought, before the coffee, that I could be too dangerous. But after the coffee, he said to himself that I was not that dangerous. I wasn’t sure what to think of that. In essence, he was saying to me that I wasn’t as attractive as he thought I would be. And that’s OK.
He just tried to convince himself that it’s ok to have me as a sub. It made me hurt, but again I acted as if I didn’t realise that. I wanted to be his sub and I still do.
But he kept on thinking about it. Whilst he was genuinely busy and exhausted, he went back and forth about whether he should sleep with me. He was trying to say to himself that he was losing interest in me so he shouldn’t start anything.
This time it was really about sex and BDSM meet.
There was no reason that he couldn’t plan something for one month or more in advance. I asked him, what if I was not in the same state, but in another state and told him that I would be visiting on X-Y (a date around one month away)? He kept his silence. Of course, I am extremely busy, he is too, so there could be a chance that we had to cancel it at the very last minute, due to our work, but that was not what I was asking him. That wouldn’t be an issue. If I had to cancel it and if he got angry with it, I would’ve been sad that I misunderstood him. A person who understands how important our works were.
He kept on thinking about what would be the best way to manage this.
I have been extremely busy working 15 hours or more 7 days a week. Almost no break. But still, I wanted to think of a way for this to work.
I said to him, if I can only meet once a quarter, that’s fine with me but he had to make some effort. Think about what would work.
However, I still think he is afraid of his own emotions and feelings and wants to pull back. That hurts. It hurts when I know that this is happening because he had some feelings for me. It’s a privilege that someone like him was in some way falling for me. It’s also sad if that’s the reason that he wanted to pull out again.
And…I’m going to ignore what I said above till this point.
How it would work best, isn’t only his decision to make. He needed to be honest with me, and discuss what was his issue and how we think it would work. He didn’t include me in the thought process. Every time. Whilst it was mainly about his feelings, I tried to stay out of it. I looked down at the floor, and acted as if I didn’t notice. Hoping that he wouldn’t.
But he thought I didn’t notice it. He didn’t think that I too had to think about all these and had to make a decision. He undermined me. He didn’t think that I would notice and could be hidden. Everytime he tried to pull back, I was hurt because I noticed it happening. I wasn’t that stupid not to notice it. I wish I was. If I was that stupid, this might not have happened at all, but on the other hand, he would’ve not chosen me as his sub.
I can’t fuking change how he feels about me. But I wish he just let me in to discuss any issues.
I might have a key to him. He is likely to have a key to me.
I’m not going to let either of us throw them away into an ocean.
By extreme luck, by a chance, we found each other on the sea of the Internet. By a post on Fet that I wasn’t even honest about what I wanted.
I’m not ready to let him go. I will wait. I am ready to wait. But if I have been waiting for him all my life, why would I let him go?
This isn’t a relationship that would throw a stone into his marriage. That….I think he is overthinking. This is about him having a lover and a sub.
That’s how I look at it. I can look straight into his eyes and say to him, that’s what this is.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
I may have tears in my eyes, but I do admit it. But that’s all it is. That’s what we have agreed.
And no. Just because I have sex with you and become a sub, I don’t change into something else.
That’s what our relationship is. Full Stop.