Note: this is a repost of the earlier post of today. But different.
So I can’t climax at the moment. No toys, favourite videos, novels, sexts won’t work.
I didn’t use to, so it should be OK, doesn’t it?
But I’m not. I can’t go back to the time and place when I didn’t care about sex and climaxing even if I didn’t want to.
I’m exhausted from what has happened, and from my work which is crazily busy. I shouldn’t be like this.
My sex drive is back after 5+ years.
I want sex. I want dangerous things. I want to be stupid. I just want to forget for a moment everything that is happening. I want to cry, scream and pass out.
I’ve been burnt once. I don’t care if it is stupid. It’s like my self-destruction. Not sure why my self-destruction is linked to sex. It’s probably because it’s something I used to despise.
Now that I don’t despise sex, why is it still leading to self-destruction?
I’m trying to think about what I did before to keep myself safe.
Escort? Nope, I know it doesn’t work at all. Being careful who to choose? But that didn’t work at all the last time I had this urge. I didn’t get killed, so it was OK?
Contacting past partners? I met them but I said no to both of them. lol. Yes, they can give me safe sex but I know I have no intention of going back to them, so I’m not going to. I wasn’t also happy with their sex. Also, until he says it’s completely over, I won’t be. Female? Nope. For some reason, I want a cock now.
I’ve opened up my version of Pandora’s box. If I didn’t know the pleasure of climaxing, I wouldn’t have minded not climaxing. Didn’t care at all, to be honest.
However, by texts and commands, he was able to make me climax to some extent. I’m sure that they weren’t strong as the real climax I would’ve felt if I had BDSM and sex with him. Because I do still stop right before I fully come. It’s still scary to let myself go. I just can’t.
That ‘shameless sex’ issue pops up. I can’t let go of myself completely.
Albeit giving me only a smaller climax, I did.
Now, my body is wanting to fully climax. My body is wanting sex. Wanting to see how it feels. The last sex was forcible sex so I pushed down all libidos after that.
Now it has come back and it’s so painful to push it down.
It has come back, and I’m wanting to just exhaust myself with crazy sex.
I don’t know how to extinguish the fire within me. There is fire smouldering which is waiting to be ignited.
I was so close to picking someone on Tinder, but didn’t. I was so close to picking up someone at a bar, but I didn’t. Uh…..I accidentally came across my exboss wanting a threesome with a blindfold on a girl with his girlfriend. Safe but no way. Lol (I’m not joking…..I knew he had a dark sense of humour about sex but finding him on Fetlife? lol)
Find someone who isn’t interested in sex but is a sadist? Immerse myself in pain? Feel the feeling of violation?
Just because I won’t be able to climax and extinguish this fire if it’s only vanilla sex.
Just because I won’t be able to climax unless I can fully let go.
Just because I don’t know how to fully let myself go.
I cry and cry wanting to be with someone.
Wanting to be fucked.
Haven’t I hurt myself by not eating? How much do I want to punish myself?