Dreaming

Just as he hypnotised me….

No, of course, I would’ve done so anyway without hypnosis.

I dream about what we played online, his fuck, his BDSM session every night.

Because it makes my body hot.

I’ve stopped touching myself like I used to.

Because I’m crying in my dream. Not from pain or pleasure.

I’ve stopped because I can’t climax and it makes me very sad.

Makes me feel like I am a failure. Something is lacking from me. I can’t feel it.

Why? I ask myself. I don’t need to be sad. It’s just back to me who used to be before I met him. Just back to square one. But somehow it feels worse than how I was before.

Maybe because I was able to come with his command. I needed that command to let myself go.

I shouldn’t have dreamt of it.

When I can’t climax, I remember all the words my partners said to me. Something is wrong with you…. All girls came with me…. You don’t trust me enough… You should go to a doctor…It’s you not me… etc.

I shut my eyes.

I shouldn’t have dreamt of it.

I want to feel sexy. I used to never feel that I was sexy. Why was I able to believe for a moment that I ‘may’ be sexy? How did I even think that I am sexually attracted to another person?

My fucking mistake. I thought I would never dream like this. So that I won’t be disappointed.

I tell myself. It’s OK. I’m just back to who I am.

But I’m in fucking hell right now. I want to go back to the time and place I didn’t know how to climax.

Because I won’t long for something I don’t know that exists.

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