Just as he hypnotised me….
No, of course, I would’ve done so anyway without hypnosis.
I dream about what we played online, his fuck, his BDSM session every night.
Because it makes my body hot.
I’ve stopped touching myself like I used to.
Because I’m crying in my dream. Not from pain or pleasure.
I’ve stopped because I can’t climax and it makes me very sad.
Makes me feel like I am a failure. Something is lacking from me. I can’t feel it.
Why? I ask myself. I don’t need to be sad. It’s just back to me who used to be before I met him. Just back to square one. But somehow it feels worse than how I was before.
Maybe because I was able to come with his command. I needed that command to let myself go.
I shouldn’t have dreamt of it.
When I can’t climax, I remember all the words my partners said to me. Something is wrong with you…. All girls came with me…. You don’t trust me enough… You should go to a doctor…It’s you not me… etc.
I shut my eyes.
I shouldn’t have dreamt of it.
I want to feel sexy. I used to never feel that I was sexy. Why was I able to believe for a moment that I ‘may’ be sexy? How did I even think that I am sexually attracted to another person?
My fucking mistake. I thought I would never dream like this. So that I won’t be disappointed.
I tell myself. It’s OK. I’m just back to who I am.
But I’m in fucking hell right now. I want to go back to the time and place I didn’t know how to climax.
Because I won’t long for something I don’t know that exists.