Selfish

I’m selfish. But not selfish enough.

I want him. Although he got bored of me. He said I was a chore. I’m so selfish that I don’t care what he says, but I just want him. I want him now.

But I couldn’t say it often to him. How much I wanted him.

I didn’t want to be a burden or cause stress to him. I couldn’t be selfish enough. I wasn’t selfish when I should’ve been.

I wanted to fit into his life. Tried to mould my life into his schedule, which caused a lot of stress for me. But I still wanted to so that he wouldn’t stress. It’s what I wanted to do but was difficult. He didn’t tell me to do it, and I’m sure he would’ve adjusted his schedule if necessary but I wanted to do so.

As I said in other posts, I should’ve been selfish earlier. Look at me, I’m not an online virtual persona. I want to feel you offline. I need more attention. Talk to me on phone. I so wanted to scream so many times. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

If the lack of my scream meant that he felt that I was not loving him, I made a mistake.

If the lack of my scream meant that he felt I was happy as is, I made a mistake.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t for the person I so wanted to submit and wanted to love in my way. I wanted to make this seamless and issueless as much as possible. I cared too much about him than care for myself. He had so many stressors in life and I couldn’t be another in his life. He had to sort it out first and that was more important than me.

Then, when it is all over, I still want him.

I am selfish but was selfish too late.

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