Shell

I received a package from China. My impulse buy. Beautiful corsets and lingerie. I guess….I might admire them for a day but I might actually throw them away. Very difficult to look at them at the moment.

To be honest, I remember browsing the Chinese shopping sites one evening, but I don’t remember buying them! There are really sexy ones. Haha. Given that weight loss, they do look good which makes me sad. What’s the use if I don’t have anyone to see? 🙂

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I overanalyse everything. I did this time too. I thought thought and thought about what is the best way to go so that we can continue the BDSM journey as long as possible. So that there won’t be a strain on either of us. So that….we can play till I have to call it a quit.

My brain and heart went very different ways. My brain was saying ‘don’t stress him…if you do, it’ll be over’ and my heart knew I found a Master I was looking for and got too excited. Whilst I was very worried about taking off clothes and having sex, that’s not a priority when I am looking for a Master. For example, let’s say sex or a BDSM session was really bad because he overstated his experiences (ahaha. He will get annoyed if he reads this), I don’t think that changes how I view him. The play itself, the physical aspects….technical….those can be learned. Or if the sex wasn’t as good as he said? (wink) Whether he can dominate and control my mind and heart is not something that can be learned. That’s why I have submitted to someone even I was dominated without sex. He’s dominated my heart.

I’ve always lived alone and after I parted ways with a dominant I lived alone. This should be the same.

I wanted for him to be proud to have me as a submissive. Just as I wanted to be proud to have him as my Master. We would have not gone anywhere public like parties and we wouldn’t have publicised that we were a dom and a sub, I even wonder whether we would’ve done it on the Fet, but that’s not the point. I wanted to be playful and probably had imagined how he would look at me in these lingeries.

He extended his hand and I came out from an invisible shell that I had around me. It took me great courage to break the shell, and my hands were injured when I try to break the shell. I had to break it from within.

I still cry and am trying to pick up the pieces of broken shell. I cry that I can’t find all the pieces to piece together the shell. I want to be back in the shell.

Stupid me who sent too many messages. He asked to give him space, and I had no choice but to say yes. Because it was my fault.

I was sad that I can’t send him a short message saying Good Morning and good night. Even if he didn’t respond, my heart always warmed up that he checked the message.

But he felt obliged to reply which caused the stress. The issue is that, probably because he is that kind of a caring, warm man, I became attracted to him. A paradox. A Mobius strip. I am very thankful that he did what he could do in his available time. He responded every fucking single day. Christmas, New Year whilst he was moving. When I didn’t expect him to. I know how hard it must’ve been.

I feel selfish for wanting more. I was so thankful for him keeping up the communication but at one point, I must have taken it for granted and whilst I was very grateful, forgot to say thank you to him in words.

This was my mistake, trying to step out of the shell.

As I wrote before, I work to fix things. There are things I couldn’t fix, because only he could. That made me very frustrated. It’s not my nature to wait. It’s my nature to help others fix. But of course, there are things that I cannot. However, I also regret that there must have been something I could do to help and support him. Giving him some space was something that I should’ve done much earlier. When he was struggling with certain things, I could’ve shown more support and love to him, even though that was over the texts.

Stupid me.

Let’s pick up and look for the pieces of shell. Let’s glue them back together.

I can’t bear to see things I bought from shoes, clothes, cosmetics to these lingeries. I will wait for a while and say goodbye to them.