I’ve revived some posts which were in drafts, and then I am also writing new posts. Imagine these in texts. No, I won’t do it, but I still wrote long texts.
Writing seems to make me think better. However, even if that is the case, I sometimes have issues expressing myself in English. There are so many delicate words that exist in the language spoken in the country I came from to express feeling. I couldn’t find the complete translation of those words.
The same thing happened when I was thinking about BDSM, and when he asked me to explain how I felt discussing the scene. I couldn’t just explain it. Whatever words I used to explain to him how I felt were just ‘not right’. It felt like I was expressing my emotions like a primary/elementary school kid. Too simplified.
I’m sure that my English vocabulary is not enough. I don’t know how to express it, but I have no issues reading anything in English, as most of the time I can figure out the meaning of a word without thinking about it, from the context in which it was used.
However, interestingly I reached for the dictionary often when I was communicating with him. Either to understand the word he used or try to find a correct word to express what I wanted to. Mostly to find a word that fits what I wanted to say. Communicating with him, I often had times that I wanted to exactly express what I wanted to say in English. Oh let’s add British English and American English differences. lol I grew up with American English, having lived in the States.
Bleeding inside this week. Crying this week and still crying. Crying won’t do anything. And I usually do not cry when there is any break-up. I hate to be emotional. I wanted to be strong and independent. Not leaning on someone at all. I pride myself on it.
With him, everything is an exception. I cried in front of him when talking with him a few months back and I was surprised that tears were flowing. I’ve been crying all this week.
I can’t believe how much I leaned on him emotionally. I didn’t want to make someone special like this. I acted all my life that I am strong and I can live alone. Left family behind.
He said ‘let me think’. Well, I know that there is almost no chance but I keep on hoping. I feel so stupid.
Usually, my stress will be filled with eating. This time, I haven’t been eating at all. Just drinking teas. I know I’m in the blink of collapsing and passing out but I just can’t. I’m glad that I’m still working from home as I can’t walk around and I will fall down if I walk.
I haven’t been sleeping well.
If I bleed and bleed, will there be a time that there is nothing more to bleed?
I’m surprised that I can get this emotional.
I’m surprised that I still remember the warmth of your hand when it grabbed me for a second.
I’m surprised that I can long for someone this much.
Waiting for my tears to run out. I never thought I could cry this much.
I knew I couldn’t block him. Because I would’ve unblocked. My willpower isn’t that strong.
I asked him to block, acting like it’s nothing. Almost teasing and provoking him to do it.
When it was done….I thought I can live with it…but I wasn’t.