Unsent letter (con’d)

I think I act patiently when I should have not. In my real life and in my BDSM life.

I know at work, I let people take advantage of me too often. I’m dominant at work, but that doesn’t stop more manipulative people to take advantage of me. However, I’ve always had a view that there are people who will care about me and will treat me fairly. I’ve met so many people who cared and helped me and went above and beyond what they needed to do.

I have this same view about my other aspects of life. My friends and my sex/BDSM partners. That there will be someday someone who will understand me and care about me.

In BDSM, I quietly observed what you’ve said. And waited. I sensed all your struggles but had put on a smile on my face, using smiling emojis too often to mask my feelings on the messages and said ‘That’s fine. I can understand’.

Your smileys put a smile on my face and I was happy even if you didn’t write anything else.

The BDSM has been a core part of me, but did I meet nice Doms? The answer is mostly no. I wonder if it was the BDSM, or if it was I was attracting the wrong people. I don’t have an answer.

So I haven’t climaxed before in sex or BDSM. No, there was no childhood trauma or abuse. I just couldn’t let go of myself. For some reason, my BDSM partners wanted to engage in vanilla sex as an aftercare (I’m just guessing) so that didn’t do me any favour. Then, the partners asking why I haven’t climaxed and saying that there is something wrong with me didn’t help.

As I realised whilst messaging you and answering honestly and when I was writing down my thoughts on this blog, I wanted rough sex and play. That intensity. That feeling of release that I can enjoy sex. Shame free sexuality. I had this fantasy even before having sex.

Probably it’s the same with the whole BDSM and pain/impact plays. Of course, I don’t have a desire to destruct myself. So I just needed someone who I can trust to really enjoy it and to be given permission or a command to let go of myself. Probably the command is what I need.

I’m also very picky. As I wrote on this blog before, I don’t want someone who wants to dominate me because it excited them to dominate someone in a different social group. To me, it didn’t bother me at all whether they went to uni or not etc but I think some did. But when they try to make themselves look more than what they really are (like faking their education – happened a lot. What does it even matter?) it turned me off. Their day to day morals and integrity were important for me too. I despise those people in my day to day life and despise more in my BDSM life.

Intellectual equal. Someone who is confident to dominate me by being himself. No need to boast about things that are fake. How difficult it is to find such a person. Just someone who can be himself. As we joked, I needed someone who can act as a classy gentleman and can also be rough in the bedroom. How exciting is that? A dream Master.

You ticked all the boxes. We got on. You were thinking a lot about this relationship and I noticed your internal concerns from time to time. But we didn’t have time to chat face to face (including online). I didn’t want to discuss those issues on text, and there is a limit to texting. Whilst I knew I may have been able to ease some concerns if I had spoken to you, we just couldn’t.

The issue could be, when we weren’t able to talk a lot about BDSM (like, if we are chatting in the morning or at lunchtime….how can we turn it into sexual messages? lol) , our chats changed to our day to day life. Our work….and whilst that is fine, I feared that you may not be able to dominate me. Felt like you were more like a friend. I feared that the sex and the BDSM part was fading from you. On the other hand, it was a topic that we can easily chat about and chatting via messages about these things made me feel connected to you.

I tried my best, asked whether we should be communicating like a dominant and submissive only (but I think we both thought that was the last thing we wanted to do), asked you to write more fantasies, asked you about the online videos. I wrote some fantasies on this blog, when I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, because I wanted to ideally keep them between us, our secret.

I tried and failed.

I’ve told you about the struggles with sex. I’m not asking you to fix me completely and put that burden on you. My previous rape by a BDSM person wasn’t bothering me so much. It was more about whether I can enjoy shameless sex and BDSM with you. It was more about whether I can finally enjoy what I always wanted so eagerly. I was chasing a unicorn. For 30 years.

I knew it because initially, I thought your command to come in the texts were silly. I fought against the words that appeared in the messages. Then, day by day, it changed. When I started to trust you, I was accepting it. Accepting to climax, accepting to be a slut and I was extremely happy. That’s why I couldn’t wait for our ‘real’ session. Once I explained my past and my thoughts, you also noticed it and started to give me strong instructions. It worked. It made me cry although I didn’t say anything.

Your five commands that you told me to read. I have been reading them. So…I think I’m not going to be hypnotised by anyone else (wink)? I thought that was a safe command for me. Keeps me safe.

My whole body still imagines how you would dominate me and take me roughly and gets hot.

I want the release but I can’t. Even if I try by myself, I can’t climax…..I’m useless and also feel I’m unattractive to the right person.

It makes me sad that now I can’t even climax. I’m back to the old me who can’t climax at all. Damn.