Unsent letter

Someone else did this….and I’m copying the idea (Yes J! if you are reading). It’s a letter that is not going to be sent. He may read this if he comes here, but I doubt it.

So I got a message that this is not going to work. This, meaning our relationship whatever the name is.

We met on Fet, started to message back and forth. Flirting. You were trying to impress me, and honestly, I was impressed from the first message as you wrote eloquently and provocatively which I find it very rare these days, especially on the Fet. I’m one of the weird ones who looks at someone’s intelligence, EQ and smartness as sexy. I always did, and my friends said I was chasing a unicorn.

We soon discovered that we work in a similar field, whilst the industry was different, it was very close. I was so happy that I found someone like you, on Fet. I could have not dreamed of a better person who could send me a message. I would’ve been happy if you found me on another dating site, but that would’ve caused an issue because of how much I was into kink. I can’t enjoy any vanilla sex.

I liked your quick wit, funny, smart and also caring nature. You were surprised when I disclosed how unfit I was, but still decided to support me. I started to work out a little by little with your support. You did not have to do it. You could’ve just said that sorry, you are too obese. But it did give me a reason to improve my overall health. I have other health issues that I have not told you about, including something that may impact how long I can be here, but gaining a fitness was helping me too. I thought I would never go back to a fitter me, since it was difficult for me to even walk several hundred metres, from various issues.

There were some issues, like the distance….we were in a hard lockdown from COVID so stuck in the house. We are extremely busy in our professional lives. You, of course had a partner, who is also locked down in the same house.

You were attached, I wasn’t. From the first day, I kept on thinking…can I go out with a person who is attached? My upbringing never allowed that. My consciousness never allowed that. My ethics in me, didn’t allow. It was the first time in my life that I overrid my ethics, which was very strong and core of me. I’m a person who wants to do everything correctly, and I am in a profession that I can comfortably say that I make sure others do everything correctly and help if they struggle. In the end, whilst knowing that it is me who will cry, I decided to continue on the journey. I had countless sleepless nights thinking about whether I can live with this decision.

I had decided that I wasn’t going to be a door mat. So, I was pretty strong on certain things. However, I wasn’t successful at all, allowing you to do things that I did not like. My feeling for you were too strong to ignore. I was already submitting in my heart. I so wanted to please you.

We were, and are busy. We didn’t have much time to chat (message) during the day. So our chat mainly were in the mornings and at nights, mostly short period of time but I was happy. That was enough and that hasn’t changed. I needed something that tell me that I am still connected to you, and those were fine.

What we like in BDSM matched. Funnily enough, I was strongly seeking some pain plays which I thought I was out of. Inflicted by you. I wanted to see what pleasure I would feel from the pain that I really wanted to be inflicted by the person whom I want.

We started sexting. Hypnosis (oh….I need the script so that I’m out of the hypnosis command that I read everyday). Initially I didn’t like sexting. I felt like I was used. However, you were smart and quickly found out what kind of role playing I liked and adjusted the texts to those circumstances. So, I decided that I can see where it goes. I read the sexts over and over still. And I dreamt of the day we can actually play it. I imagined your voice, your strength, your force that will be inflicted in me, and what I would feel.

You wrote some role playing stories and other sex stories. I still read it to this day, because it was like someone opened up my head and knew exactly what I was looking for. I imagined me being there. I imagined you being there. I loved the story, I loved the style of your writing.

There were some ups and downs and we were so close to giving up. Texting isn’t easy. Even with two persons who are good at writing things, there is a limit and we misunderstood each other. I noticed that you had doubts about your feeling. I noticed it, but kept quiet. There was nothing that I could say. You had to come to your terms by yourself. But to be honest, I thought you were sometimes blaming me to cover up your inner fear or trying not to think about it.

When we were finally able to meet up, you were, of course, suggesting to spend a night together. The issue? We hadn’t met face to face. Whilst we had video chats, we hadn’t met in person. I was so worried. I was, and have been afraid of sex after an unfortunate incident. I was afraid that in real life, I am not attractive enough for you. You are such an attractive person. I was afraid that I might spit out a safeword, even though I fully trusted you. I was afraid that I might stop you from fucking me. Funnily, the BDSM part was OK, I was afraid of sex. I asked for rough sex. Rough sex by you, your version of rough sex, because I knew I can enjoy it with you. I wanted it.

However, you got worried. Yes, I know what it was. You turned it into a short coffee meeting. I picked my outfits, thinking I hope that you would like it. Hairstyle, lipsticks, my shoes, outfits. Thought about how I wanted to act. When I saw you, I couldn’t even hug you. It’s part cultural. It was….part….. excitement that I finally met you. I was close to being in tears but hiding them as much as possible.

I wish I had dived right into a BDSM and sex session as planned. I should’ve pushed for it. But for a reason (that I think I know), you were afraid to. I really wanted to, because if you were not to like me, it should’ve happened earlier than later. The second reason was that….if this was going to end earlier than I had thought, I really wanted a sex and BDSM with you. In your hands, under your control, I wanted to see how I felt about all of it. With a dominant whom I can trust and admire in all aspects. I was craving for it, after nearly 10 years. No, that’s not correct as the BDSM 10 years were just that, someone dominating, but not by someone whom I trusted or admired as much as you.

Unfortunately, it didn’t happen. I regret that every day till today.

You had your issues to take care of in your life. I waited and waited. Just because I wanted to. The issue is that your life changes meant that you had less time to communicate with me. I also can easily understand that you thought you knew almost everything about me, which you had to know about as a Dom. No, you didn’t. But that’s a different story.

The issue on my side is that I didn’t know how to keep up your interest. The fact that we haven’t slept together bothered me a lot. If we had slept on the first meeting, and had decided to continue, I would’ve been at ease. But we hadn’t. And that caused a lot of anxiety. I could see you losing interest in me. I felt like I was failing. I felt like this was all again, me desperately wanting something that I shouldn’t have wanted.

I provoked you from time to time, but it never worked. I didn’t know what to do. I was also inexperienced…everything to do with a relationship.

I started sending you more and more messages. It’s bit difficult. They are messages, and not emails. I tend to send something that I thought about but then once I press send, I’m like….’that’s not accurate….so I need to add this’. Maybe in the hindsight, I should’ve sent you an email. Probably. The messages were more like ‘I’m here’ and I wasn’t too fussed about the reply. But they were too much.

Of course we’ve ran out of things to discuss, especially about BDSM. And….I felt more and more distanced. You were not willing to put in any efforts to come over to see me. I don’t think that it was all about you didn’t have time. It was that you didn’t want to.

I was crying and at a loss what I can do. But I also was still not an Australian woman, although I have lived here for 20 years. If it was another Australian woman, I am sure that that person would’ve demanded what she wants more strongly. You might’ve actually made an effort. I sat there, very concerned but praying that my gut instinct was wrong and you are still interested in me.

I told you I am clingy – yes. too much. But the more desperate I got, I didn’t know what to do, other than to nag you that I’m lonely, I want the sex and the BDSM. Fully knowing that nagging will do no good, I at least wanted to make some efforts to make my wish known. That’s all it was to it.

I so wanted to be your sub. Over 30 years, I had a handful of relationships (vanilla or BDSM) because firstly I had to take care of myself first. Secondly, I didn’t find anyone that I truly admired as a Master. Yes, some Doms but not a Master. I reserved that position for someone to come. Someone, that I can kneel from the bottom of my heart and go crazy in his hands, his commands, and his body. I thought it was you. I thought I found that ‘someone’.

I do not have another 20 years to find my soulmate. My life will be a short one.

I let the opportunity fall through my hands, as if sands are falling from my hands.

I keep on thinking. What and where did I make a mistake? I calmly watched you and waited for you but I think I waited without voicing my concerns too long. I think you lost interest in me because I stopped challenging you. That’s more my nature. I saw me disappearing from you, but I couldn’t do anything.

Once you felt you won me, I think you lost interest. It’s like what the dating coaches say, isn’t it? Keep him interested and come after you. But what are you supposed to do? I don’t know.

I wish I was a more bubbly, fun person and not a serious person. Maybe you would’ve had sex with me if I was more like casual fun. But you wanted a sub, that you keep for special people and I wanted a Master. I don’t think that worked anyway.

I wish I was a more sexually attractive lady that you would’ve wanted to have sex straight away. I wish I was more confident about my attractiveness. I am not. I can’t. I wish I was a person who can flirt easily. I can’t.

I wish I was a person who could demand what I want. I can’t. I can’t put you in a place to make a tough decision that you didn’t want to make. So I waited. That was my mistake.

I wish….I was able to experience the sex and the BDSM you give me…..I wanted to submit, I wanted to experience the pain you could inflict me….I wish I was able to experience the hug you would’ve given me, as you said you would, after climax and pain.

Where did I make a mistake? Honestly, I don’t know.

I craved rough sex and BDSM with you. I wanted you so much, but I couldn’t keep up your interest. That’s my fault. I feel like I am back to being a small kid, lost, not sure what to do. I think I ruined the last chance I had in my life.

When I didn’t want to think it. But I feel used. Used as an online person during the lockdown. I didn’t want to feel used by him.

I so wanted to feel his warmth. Why did I even think I could?