In the end it was all same.
I thought I was strong enough.
I thought I would not be a door mat.
I thought I could trust him. Trusted him more than anyone else. Let him in my secret fears and pasts. I do have a weakness that I trust people too often and too much.
But I became a burden. I simply became a chore to him.
I wasn’t strong enough. I let it happen. I made a mistake somewhere along the way when I said I can wait with tears in my eyes.
When I wanted to scream I want him. I want to see him in person. I want to hear his voice. I want to feel him now. I wanted him to fuck me and dominate me.
When even the messaging became scarce, I said it’s fine as I wanted to be connected with him rather than ending it. When it wasn’t.
Other women in this country would’ve said that to him. Directly and he would’ve had no issues with it. I just couldn’t. I was more worried that if ai act selfish I would be a burden and the relationship would end there. That’s how much I wanted him but not lose him.
Living by myself in a foreign country alone. Covid lockdowns. I wanted to think that someone still wanted me. That I was wanted. That I am sexually attractive.
But I acted like I am strong when I wasn’t. I knew I was almost collapsing but I couldn’t say that as he likes a strong independent woman. If I cried and if I begged, I thought it was not who he wanted. I wanted him not to feel any guilt.
So I cried silently but did not show it to him.
Where did I make a mistake? I probably just need to give up finding someone to dominate and have sex.
It took me a great courage to even think about sex after an assault. 5 years and counting.
I don’t enjoy vanilla sex, but the assault complicated things and it had to be the right person for me to relax and trust.
By telling him about it, I showed too much vulnerability to him.
Yes I am a doormat because I allowed him to treat me that way.