What do you do when you have built up too many expectations that it’s scary to meet up and have an actual BDSM session?
As I wrote before, I wished that it was a normal time pre COVID that we would’ve met quickly for a coffee or a lunch and then we could dive into a play session.
Then this build-up would not have occurred.
But I know that because we weren’t able to meet up quickly, we had enough time to learn about each other. I think that this relationship would’ve stopped at the first play session. I can’t say why, but I think so. Probably because I am not his ‘type’.
It is true that we could’ve done the same when the COVID is not an issue, and we should. However, I feel that if it was at normal times, we would’ve not been able to contain ourselves from diving into a play.
I was lucky enough to know him better. I don’t think I would find anyone like him. Yes, he appeared from nowhere. But I’ve waited for a person like him for 30 years. I’m not going to wait for another 30 years, and my health will not let me wait too.
I intentionally did not enter into a serious relationship with anyone, except one another person. I kept people away. I liked to do so for many reasons. I’ve feared that if I rely on someone emotionally, I would not be able to stand up and live like I had been living. Independently. Strongly.
This was the same for my friends. I kept everyone away. But I guess I was not strong as I wanted to be. I noticed I craved someone’s attention and when it was given, it made me so difficult to live without it.
Damn. I moved here because I wanted to be like a cat who will leave this world quietly and alone when I have to. I wasn’t going to let my family see it. The irony is that I am living longer than I expected. Another irony is that when I moved here, I felt like I was breathing again. Freely. I noticed what the culture back in my home country (not sure if it is, as I’ve now lived more than half of my life outside the country) and my family were stopping me from being who I really wanted to be.
The occasional BDSM partners gave me the attention I craved from time to time. But I had kept it like that. Short term partners. Other than one person. I intentionally kept my relationships a casual one, as I wanted to live strong. Live and die quietly. Alone.
I am not also an attractive person. Very introverted, not good looking, and overweight most of the life. I wished that I could be a stunning lady, the centre of attention, but I know I can’t be. I am not. I wish I could be a person who can flirt with others, and easily have casual BDSM or sex. I just couldn’t. I tried, but I failed. I’m not quick minded. I can’t say witty things like some can. My image, if you ask someone who knows me, will be ‘serious’. But I was laughing a lot when I messaged him and talked with him. I was making some funny comments.
We were talking about possibly meeting up for the first time to have sex and BDSM. I am so scared. I am scared that I would fail miserably. I’m not still at the weight that I wanted to be. I hate my body. I hate that I may not able to climax, because I haven’t experienced it before. I hate that I worry about everything too much. What happens if he doesn’t get excited with me because I am not goo enough?
It’s all because this is the person I shouldn’t be fond of. I wish I had kept this relationship a much more casual one. Not making him worry too much. Not asking for more attention. I wish I had kept it a fun relationship that is not a burden for him. I wish I was able to act more mature, which I wasn’t able to.
But….I just couldn’t.
I failed because I was fond of him so much. If I could have kept it casual, like usual, this wouldn’t have occurred.
If this person was not into BDSM, then the fact that I was into BDSM would’ve been a reason not to go ahead with him. Having found someone that I was craving for, in the same BDSM world, was like a miracle for me. Trusting him, admiring him and I revealed too much to him.
And I am fond of him too much. I’ve been so scared of actually having sex and BDSM with him. I wanted rough sex for all my adult life. Not sure why, but it’s because it would give me permission to enjoy sex. i.e. I was forced to enjoy. The same with BDSM and hypnosis. I wanted to be dominated and submit. I wanted to see if the pain inflicted by him would link the pain to my sexual pleasure. But I don’t think I can. I thought about ending this because I was so afraid, and yet, I couldn’t.
I am afraid that I am ugly. Not worth a person that men will be fond of.
I am not good enough.
I didn’t want to be a burden but I think I was, by craving his attention.
I failed this time too.
I think this may be my last entry.