I previously wrote that BDSM is part of me. Just have to accept that it’s me.
To be more precise, it’s not an incidental part of me. It’s the core of who I am.
I went on a journey on a long and winding road. Thinking that something must be wrong with me wanting to submit and be dominated. Thinking a vanilla relationship and sex may still satisfy me.
I long the feeling of control from my Dom. The right Dom.
I have a feeling that it doesn’t matter -whether bondage is used, pain is inflicted or whether I orgasm or not.
What I crave is control by the right person. Whilst I crave rough sex with this person, a pain inflicted by this person and pleasure given by this person, I know that I will enjoy whatever he gives me. So he may increase my pleasure to the point I may almost climax but may not give it to me. Then me nagging and begging for the climax are still what I crave. Crying. Begging. Pleasure. Not stopping to come. Him controlling me as he wishes. My frustration, anger, sadness….everything if done by the right person. I will crave more and more. A bottomless sub.
That’s why my submission was more like ‘I’ll take anything the Dom gives me’ type. Initially, I tried almost everything that the Doms wanted to do. Sure, curiosity is part of the reason but that wasn’t all. Those were only incidental parts of BDSM for me, and could be easily swapped with any other plays that Doms wanted to play with me.
Although, I have to admit that not all Doms were the right Dom for me. S/he might have been, for someone else, but not for me. That’s why I was never satisfied. With the Dom, with sex, with the BDSM and with myself. I noticed something was wrong but thought it was because I was not right.
I kept on looking for the right Dom, but never met.
I am hoping the current person is, and that is why I have been really patient (he may have a different view on this, though with all the tears and nagging!). That’s why no one else understands. My friends, my therapist…they all said I shouldn’t be waiting for him. Others may wonder I want to be with him, which is natural because not everyone knows about BDSM. He is very different from the people I was with (BDSM or otherwise) before. What I want, only I know. I shared what I want with this Dom. How he would use that information, I left it with him.
I will still mould myself to be a good sub for the right Dom. Because I want to. Nobody is forcing me to. He trusted me that I would be honest with him and let him guide me, but he did not force me to change. He did not threaten me to change.
If he wants to give me an orgasm, I will. If he doesn’t want to, I will be begging him but that’s because that’s the game we want to play. Imagine him saying ‘don’t come’ and I go ‘OK. Fine’….lol Through the long communication, we established that we speak the same language.
My weakness was that I was craving for the right Dom and had false relationships. It took me a long time to understand that too. I grabbed anyone who was extending the hand to me.
I grabbed a hand that was extended to me by a dom again. I’m hoping that this time it is the right hand that I took. I’m hoping that I can submit to him and enjoy whatever he wants me to enjoy. Feel the pleasure I haven’t experienced before because that’ll be only the right Dom can give me. Because submission is my core.