I was asked this question before and it keeps popping up in my mind from time to time. I have a feeling that my thoughts are very different now compared to before.
What’s humiliation and what’s degradation? Is one of them your limit?
For me, whether something is characterised in a “humiliation” bucket or a “degradation” bucket, if it’s a limit, it is, if it’s not a limit, it isn’t. I just said to subs that use a safeword if necessary. Don’t hesitate. If it’s a street light approach and if you have ‘timeout, let’s discuss’ word, like yellow, that would be better. But do not continue. If you are happy to continue because you don’t want to stop a play session, then make sure to discuss it afterwards with the dom. Not discussing it and getting annoyed will build up to something negative that you can not dispose of. It’s important to think about how you felt and feel after the session. Not just in the session.
Everything depends. Depends on the circumstance (for example, if there are other persons in the scene), depends on the context and depends on who I am playing with.
It is natural that whether a sub accepts being humiliated or degraded will depend on the partner. For me, it is. And I didn’t realise it until recently. I can definitely say that I had partners who engaged in degradation play, but most of the time, it did nothing to me. I was acting not to stop the play and let the partner enjoy what he wanted to do. For me, I can take humiliation and degradation if they are inflicted on me by a person whom I know that would’ve calculated about the scene, and whom I can trust that cares about me.
So, if the dom asks you whether you enjoy humiliation or degradation, ask what s/he means by the word. What the play in his mind is. Then think if that idea will excite you or hate it. Or not sure. They are so personal. I don’t think I can clearly put one play into the humiliation bucket and another into the degradation bucket. For example, I may accept something in private with the Dom, but may not be comfortable if others are present, like play parties.
Whilst it’s been online plays only to this point, I realised that I am very happy to allow the new Dom (& his words) to humiliate and degrade me. However, I’m not too concerned whether one play is in which basket it is. It only means that I am happy for him to use the words and engage in such plays. Some are things that I didn’t feel comfortable that others engaged in. I just keep on thinking, am I OK to proceed or need to stop without thinking whether it is humiliation or degradation.
It’s just a matter of trust. A high level of trust and admiration that I never felt with the past partners.
If there is anything that I would be uncomfortable about, I know I can stop him or discuss it with him. As I wrote in the previous writing, I thought about stopping him for a moment during the online play and then decided to see how I feel and let him go on. After the play, I had another think about it and then noticed that it was calculated. Checked with him, and it was indeed calculated, and with that, I didn’t feel the need to stop him in future sessions.
If there is a slip or miscalculation on his side and if felt uncomfortable about whatever he did, I would surely discuss it with him. However, I highly trust this person and understands him too (I think). I think I would know if it’s a slip.
On the other hand, it’s showing to me that I won’t really allow and enjoy humiliation or degradation unless it’s inflicted by a person who I really trust.