I don’t think he is reading this, so I can say anything. Hehe. Re-reading the first messages I got from him on the Fet, I noticed it was 26 weeks ago. Wow….a long time and I was surprised but really….I want to wait…. I just have to be careful that he within my mind is not too idolised. Good and bad, it’s still him. I know that I won’t. We went through so many ups and downs, fights etc. With all that, I am still waiting for the day we can meet.
Before I go into what I wanted to write, I used to fantasise a lot. I have some fantasies here, but there were a lot of writings on the Fet, and a lot more in my original language, some published.
In terms of BDSM fantasy in my mind, it didn’t really excite me a lot, even if I was imagining and trying to get off that fantasy.
The dom in my fantasy is a service dom….even if I didn’t plan him to be. He would do only the things I want him to do. He won’t disappoint me, any torment he gives me, is still what I want. He can control himself (lol). He can patiently wait for me to come.
That’s not a real-life dom. It’s similar to what I wrote about who the first dom in sub’s mind will be. He has his needs, he does what he wants to do, and he can be tired, upset, he may want to sleep, he may disappoint me that he can’t satisfy me (oopsy).
I’m not that sub in the fantasy. I may not be able to take all the pleasure or pain. I may scream. I may get frustrated. I may get angry. I may cry. I may beg. I may not be able to control myself and just come uncontrollably. I may not get the pleasure when I want to. I may want pain but may not get it.
It’s interesting that these are all obvious things. However, I didn’t realise until I sexted with him. Even in the texts, in his fantasy, he controlled the story. I wasn’t able to get what I want when I want or in the way I want. But that frustration is part of his scenario. Especially with him, who plans in advance meticulously.
What I was thinking was that….I probably did this to previous play partners. I projected my fantasy to them and felt that they weren’t meeting my needs. Or, that I wasn’t meeting what they want. That could’ve led to me thinking….I’m not good enough, or that they weren’t good enough. Feeling of rejection.
Whilst I do worry about me not being a good enough sub for him, I’m trying to remember the emotions that I felt when I was feeling when playing a scene through real-time texts. Because in real-life, I can’t be that sub that I was in his mind when he was playing a texts game. But I’m trying to remember what I felt when I played.
He knows what I like, what I might like and what is no go. He can decide what he wants to do and which direction the play session will go.
I know that I will still feel the fear (which excites me), the pleasure, the helplessness, the desire to please him and the desire to want to be overpowered by him which I imagine in my fantasies and I experienced in his sexts. The sense of losing my own control and being controlled by him.
All these are the emotions that I want to feel in the real play with him. Me being hunted (it could be physically or emotionally) and cornered.
I can’t wait…..