Before I get into my usual serious note….
The prospective Dom has told me that he likes to use his fingers and mouth and he is into using toys.
I went… I see….(that sounds ok)
Fast forward 7 months. (yes 7 months!)
The Dom sends me a link to a video of a girl with a vibrator attached to her clit and cuming. I tell him that it seems like an unusual choice of video for him…. then several messages later, I suddenly notice that he has never said he didn’t own any toys or did not use toys…… just that his ‘preference’ was to use his body……
Damn it! How can I be so dumb and miss an important detail? lol
Well…..at least….he didn’t lie….. as he promised…. well….this post that I had in draft for a while seems to have a different meaning. Yes, we both agreed not to lie, but understood that we may hide something……. Should I rewrite this post? saying….a good negotiator won’t lie but hides his hands…..This is the thing. I know I’m sharp and pick up subtle things at work, but when it comes to my personal matters, I trust people so much, and too much.
I negotiate a lot in my professional life A LOT. I can negotiate on behalf of others, but I can’t negotiate about myself. I’m so bad I wonder why I can’t maintain any objectivity when it comes to my own stuff. `
It becomes harder when I start to like the other person. My primal needs wanting to have sex and BDSM with that person overtakes me.
I’m glad that this time, we had to talk a lot and a lot into details of what I would otherwise not have negotiated.
In BDSM, I feel like negotiating seems to be about saying “no”. Yes, it’s important to be able to say “no”. But saying “no” to something that the other person wants to do and enjoy. Felt guilty. Because I wanted the Doms to enjoy using me. I wanted to see them enjoy doing what they like to do. I felt so selfish saying no to what he wanted to do.
All my ex-partners asked and wanted to know what I don’t want to do. Nobody asked me what I want to do. What I like.
Again, the current ‘negotiation’ was the first time I was asked about what I enjoy. Funny that such a person appeared when I decided to be strong and decided that I won’t rush into a BDSM relationship this time. When I decided to wait until there is someone who respects me as a person. I thought there will be someone like that out there.
We both talked about what we like to do and what are our limits.
Negotiation isn’t simple too. Hard limits are easy. But anything other than clear hard limits, it’s not easy. How do you explain the limits of caning or whipping? Where, how and how hard? How do you explain what rough sex involves?
Sometimes, my feeling that I just want to be fucked, I want to be the person’s sub, overtake my analytical skills. I probably give up negotiation and want to rely on instinct.
Negotiation doesn’t stop at the first session. I know that I can say to him ‘sorry I thought I could take this, but I can’t’ and ask him to stop mid-session too. I can say that something is too much. I know we’ll discuss how the session was, after the session. I don’t have any concerns about telling what I liked and what didn’t work for me., without thinking that if I say this, the relationship may end. Well, it may, and that’s sad but I don’t think so. If I don’t use the safe word or if I don’t tell him that there was an issue, that may trigger him to refuse to play.
It was mutual. I asked what he wanted to play and what his limits are. The negotiation isn’t one way.