My desires and BDSM

It’s a cool day here in Sydney…..raining. With a tea in my hand, I just ponder as usual. I’m actually recovering from a migraine I started to get whenever I orgasm….. Not sure what’s happening. It’s stopping me from climaxing. Yuck another issue to solve urgently.

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I think I have different things that I like about BDSM.

I want to feel that the other person wants me. Strongly. So strong that the other person loses control.

I haven’t dated many people, whether it’s vanilla or BDSM. I need this feeling that the other person wants me, to the extent that he may damage me and lose control. Not sure where that originated from, but that is probably why I liked the BDSM rather than vanilla. It can be found in Story of O too. I used to read and write novels where a person desires the other person so much, too much. Something attracted me.

With BDSM, there is a stronger sense of desire from both sides, and more so than vanilla sex. When we feel that we are a match because our BDSM tastes match, the desire to dominate/be dominated will flare-up. There is a sense that nobody other than each of us understands the other, and that fuels up the desire. Mutually.

That’s why I said to the potential dom that I want to see him lose control. I want to see him so excited that he lost control. This is particularly sexy because I know that he is a very organised and self-disciplined person and has self-control. Such a person losing control because of me and wanting me are sexy for me. I have a feeling that he is the same too.

There was also a feeling that I was not attractive enough and was not a person sexually desired. It’s a weird view because I had people attracted to me even when I was overweight etc. I just feel like that was the initial reason I went into BDSM, but as I said, whatever the starting point was, I just now accept that BDSM is part of my sexual preference.

I can’t wait to see him lose control over me and by dominating me. Wanted so much that he would break me. I don’t necessarily mean physically but in other ways too. I think I am also a self-controlled person who doesn’t easily show my emotions to others. So it will be interesting to see whether he can break me. – whether I would show my emotions, and he could make me beg him and whatever he would give me.

I want to please him

I do too much of this in real life but getting better. For some reason, I have a tendency to want to please others to the maximum. In my day to day life, I am always thinking I could’ve done better or wondering whether the other person liked what I did. I hate to be in conflict with others.

That tendency seems to be flowing into me as a sub. This has led me into disasters as I probably did something I didn’t want to do if someone else wanted me to do (even if it was testing me). I hated myself for doing anything that the other person wanted me to do in sexual or BDSM relationships, just to keep him. How could those be healthy relationships?

It’s different this time as I had decided before meeting him that I would say no to anything I was not comfortable. He has been great and understanding. Oh that doesn’t necessarily mean that he didn’t do everything I said no to. He waited for me to get comfortable with him and then proceeded. I think it’ll be the same with the actual BDSM session to come.

Now, it’s very different. I want to please him, but because I really want to. In the current relationship, I still have some control that I can decide what I want to do and when I can say ‘I can’t’. That means that I still want to please him, but in a way that I don’t hate myself after I’ve done it. And I do feel that I can be honest and say no at any time. Whilst I don’t see me saying it at the actual session, but there is no doubt that I can say if I want to.

I’m not sure if I was a submissive when I was negotiating with him. Probably acted more in a dominant way, but I can now be a true submissive now that I trust him and I know I want to please him.

So that he would want me more.

So that I can think of ways to please him more.