I forgot to publish the last one which I had in my draft, so unusual for me, here is the second post.
I was browsing a public forum (which is not Fet) where the questions were asked, and readers were answering. It’s moderated well but I felt old reading all questions from people in 20s and 30s trying to figure out BDSM!
How do I find a Dom/sub seems to be a popular topic. Of course, the answers were about going to munches, how to answer the messages received and how to meet in person, which are all valid.
There is no universal ‘Dom’ or sub who you can tick off a checklist of ‘if you meet 8 our of 10 of this list, you are a dom’. A Dom that I seek is not your Dom. I am a sub to him, but may not be a sub for someone else who is a dominant.
I need someone sexually compatible. Someone compatible in terms of BDSM. Of course, that’s a starting point, but I can also be flexible if I want to, so that’s not a big deal, except for the hard limit issue.
There is something like a Möbius strip. Going in a circle, but not sure where it starts and ends. I see Dom’s expression that he is excited by inflicting pain or pleasure on me. Then my excitement heightens. I will be showing the Dom that I want to submit and I am getting excited because of what he does to me, or how he is getting excited with me. Then, I’m sure the Dom who sees me getting excited by his acts/expressions will get excited…….so it goes on. We feed off each other. There will be power exchanges between us.
I can only approve of someone whom I can engage in this power exchange as my Dom. He may not be a Dom for someone else. The same is true for me. I may be a
sub to him, but someone else may not see me as his/her sub and I may fail miserably. I’ve engaged in too many BDSM where the ‘dom’ was excited by me, but I wasn’t so much. The reasons varied. We weren’t just compatible. I just acted as if I was excited, which meant that the power exchange stopped there.
I also need someone who can read me and my excitement and be excited by what I show him. For example, if I wanted to be roughly taken by him, and shows that craving, my expression to him and only him should fuel him. (Noting that whether he would fill my needs at that point or not may be a different issue! I don’t need a service dom and he may fuel me by not meeting what I want)
If I agree with my Dom that there will be no pain in the play, but we are going to engage in a particular type of sex only, there could be someone who will say ‘that’s not BDSM’. True and I don’t care. You shouldn’t care too. I find too many people who are obsessed about BDSMs that you find in porn, or the Internet and concerned that what they do is or isn’t BDSM.
You need to find a compatible other. What you want in the other person will also be different from a person to person. It may be that you need some experience until you find ‘your’ Dom or sub.
Previously, my emphasis used to be on what plays we engage in. I didn’t show my emotions to the Dom and just suppressed it too much. This time, I was true and honest about my emotional needs to him. I think he has been the same too. We did quickly go through the laundry list, but just to check our compatibility (e.g. if he was into scat, there was no way I would have gone ahead). That’s why it’s continuing and I still want him as my Dom, even though we haven’t been able to play in real life.
That’s why I feel that he is my Dom. (just a proviso that of course, if the actual BDSM session didn’t go as planned and we can’t fuel each other, it may sadly end there)