I do like pain. That’s why I wondered whether I am a pain slut or not. I think about it quite often. Is it just because the first Dom was a sadist?
However, I don’t want to see the Dom inflict me pain because I love it. That won’t do anything for me, even if I like the pain. That’s a service Dom, isn’t it? I don’t need a service Dom. That’s why I can’t pay a professional Dominant and play with them. I had known so many professional Dominants and some asked whether I would like to play, but I always said no unless there is no exchange of money and they want to dominate me.
It’s not fun for the Dom, not fun for me. I want someone who wants to hurt me and hurting me gives the person sexual pleasure. Or someone who wants to hurt me when sexually aroused. Chicken and egg. Not sure which is first, even for me. Watching the Dom who gets sexually aroused and wants to inflict pain on me will in turn excites me. I am going to provoke him.
Having said that, physical pain alone won’t be enough.
There needs to be emotional manipulation and the Dom must be someone who can manipulate and play my mind. Mind fuck. How he would do it, will be up to him. However, I can’t come back to real life unless he decides that the session time is over. Fill me up with him, and only him. Make me want to please him and only think about him. Make me want him and want to do anything to have him and be with him, for a second longer.
This can only be done with someone who understands me well, and that’s why I can’t do one night stands or short term relationships.
Someone who understands me so well that the person can manipulate me in any way he wants to. It needs to be someone who wants to play with my mind. There were Doms who weren’t interested in this at all. I want to get desperate to do whatever he wants me to do, even if that’s something I don’t want to do. Then, at the same time, he needs to understand me well enough to push me to my discomfort zone. So a type of consensual nonconsensual acts, but in mental play. Push me into discomfort zone to so close to my hard limit, but stop an inch before the hard limit. I want to scream in my mind that I want him, and that I would do anything.
This can be only done when there is a connection between us. For example, if he wants to degrade me, he needs to know what is a hard limit and what is not. He needs to understand how he phrases such degradation.
I also need to read him well enough too. He will have his hard limit. For example, he would not want to permanently damage me. Then, I should not let him do that to me, and will need to steer him away just before his hard limit. I might steer him to sex by begging for it but I cannot let him know that I stopped him just before his limit. The play needs to flow on.
I’m asking a lot….yes….I know but that’s why if I can find the right person, it can be very sexual and exciting, for both of us. I need to have someone whom I can trust. He needs to trust me that it is fine to unleash his physical and emotional sadism. If done wrongly, it’s going to be emotional abuse. Consensual abuse….it’s not easy as physical abuse.
I’ve never had anyone who could manipulate me in every way possible. When I think about it, I don’t think I let anyone so close to my heart. I can’t wait to play this consensual abuse game.
Will I, this time?