Yuck. Tomorrow’s Valentine? Oh well. It’s just a usual day for me. It makes me angry that my ex-partners and I had to cancel the dinner multiple times due to either of our work! When I’m not busy, I don’t have a partner. My health sucks to I should just stay home anyway.
It’s been weird lately. From past doms contacting me so suddenly, to…….someone asking me to be a Mistress again. I said no to all of them.
I’m not a switch, but I agreed to be a mistress when usually one of my mistress friends asked me to be a second mistress. In some limited circumstances, I acted as a mistress alone.
It doesn’t really excite me to be a mistress. I am also so different from Caucasian mistress friends who are tall, glamorous and well built. I’m not tall. For some reason, I don’t wear high heels when I’m a sub, only when I am a mistress but I can’t walk well in it. lol. I wondered whether I should wear the pin heel when I’ll be with my Dom but decided not. I’ll stumble.
I can use whips, can inflict pain, tie their cock if subs want me to, but interestingly, I didn’t have a lot of people who wanted me to. Those people tend to choose my friends who look scarier. I am more into sensitive play, and that is what I am good at. Watching every move and reaction of the sub and talking to them softly to heighten their sensation. I think it’s ‘interesting’ to see how subs react to me, only listening to my voice, but I don’t get aroused. I wonder if the subs sensed it or not as I never had a sub who wanted to have sex with me. Or, was it my sexual appeal not being enough? I did like that subs are being excited and I can control them as I wish. However, control them as they wanted to be controlled. Figuring out how they wanted to be controlled. I was good at doing so.
I also taught new male doms the BDSM in certain BDSM classes.
So, I do have high standards when it comes to dom. I played with a professional male dom (as me being a sub) but I wasn’t happy with how he used ropes. There are some things that weren’t properly taught when the rope works came from Japan to Australia. No prep of jute ropes, how they used the ropes but how the ropes rubbed skin in a way it shouldn’t. Sigh.
When I am domming, I have to be responsible for what happens to the sub. I don’t want to do that.
I want to empty out my brain so that I cannot think of anything but my Dom in front of me. I want to listen to his voice, I want to just be like a marionette that Dom can control me as he wishes. That’s why I can’t be a Mistress. I just want to be a submissive. I want to be a submissive for a right Dom that I won’t be irritated, close my eyes, guided by him and can trust that he understands me.