What a week. Too many issues around me, personal, work, health….fighting with cats over who have the right to sleep at the centre of the bed….. I slept only about 5 hours in total in the last 3 days from having too much stress.
I wrote, wrote and wrote at work this week. I should add up how much I wrote this week by adding word counts of the documents on MS Word and then multiplying them with 3 or 4…..to account for so many drafts. lol
And then, I am here still writing. Crazy.
Wait. I was writing this, and then got an email notification that a drama, I signed up to be notified when it was available, is now available. When did I sign up to be notified about this Korean BDSM drama??? Of course, I must’ve…. Let’s see if Netflix starts recommending me more BDSM movies/dramas (although I think I’ve either watched all of them, like Secretary, or started and couldn’t finish them, like….Fifty….that boring and annoying movie). “Secretary” is an interesting one. I prefer the original short story’s ending.
He won’t tick all boxes, and I won’t tick all boxes for him. We had so much time to think. We are still thinking. At least, we are still communicating even if it’s me still trying to hold a leash not to let him go. I’m sure he felt like I pulled him back so many times. mmm? Wait….? Why is there an image of him…..(probably better not write it out)?
However, I can compare him to other doms in the past. There is a chance that I was with terrible doms, but I know he’s better than the previous ones.
He is fair. Even when we have been in fights, I can count on him to read what I write or say and consider them. Not to simply dismiss what I say as stupid. He will point out where I am wrong, I can point out when he is wrong. And because I trust him, I can accept what he says or speak up. It doesn’t happen often with others…. Although, I do admit that I haven’t pointed out everything or said everything I want to say.
There are things that I cannot say. I’ve been in a BDSM relationship that both of us were so similar and didn’t say what we wanted to or what we thought and each of us went down the rabbit hole by just assuming what the other person was thinking. That dom was very smart, but I think he was scared as much I was to say what he thought. Weirdly, both of us weren’t in too many relationships, so I felt like we were a first time couple who met at highschool or something. lol.
There was a dom that I thought it’s not worth even explaining to him because he wouldn’t understand.
In the normal circumstances (or in the pre COVID world), we would’ve dangled a carrot (sex/BDSM) and there would’ve been something to look forward to. It never happened that the carrot rottened before we would eat them.
At the moment, whilst the carrot is still there, sometimes the carrot goes rotten and is no longer attractive. Replacing the carrot so that it’ll be still attractive to the other person is actually quite difficult. Sometimes shit happens and we may not be interested in a carrot but may be interested in apples. Or we may not be interested to eat anything from the other person.
The difficulty? I still don’t know whether the carrot is the right carrot yet. Sometimes, that makes it hard.
He had/has three…no four major chances to decide whether he want this relationship. After communicating for a while. Of course, if our messages didn’t match where we wanted to go, it wouldn’t have continued.
Secondly, when we met for a coffee. I was like whatever…lol….but if he wanted to.
Thirdly, when we meet for sex. I’m not sure how it will be sex only, but he made it clear that this needs to happen before any heavy BDSM so he still has a chance to say no to continuing further. And there could be number of reasons he may stop there. Not just that our sex won’t match. There could be additional fourth opportunity for him.
I guess I’m not too worried about our long distance relationship, because it is long distance or just because we may not meet as often as we would want to. What worries me is that there are still opportunities for him to say no. Of course, that can happen at anytime, but he has clearly set out his expectations that these are the milestones we need to complete.
That makes it tough that I won’t know what he would decide.
Me? I know what I want and it’s not only about sex. The way the other person thinks, how he gets it, his ethics etc are more important. Compatibility about sex and BDSM come next. At this point, I’m so lucky that even the sex and BDSM seem compatible.