Seems like a bit of crisis happening all around me including myself.
I’m hating myself as I feel like I’m turning into the person that he does not want to dominate at the moment. I’m sure from people looking at me from the outside, everything seems to be going well with me, probably too well. Extremely well in terms of work, which may comprise 80% of my life.
However, I am feeling like I’m being crushed by the responsibilities given at work. It’s funny. It’s not that different from the role at the previous work, but I feel like I can’t panic or break down. I feel like I can show nothing other than confident, positive, cheerful and calm me or else everyone else starts to panic because they rely on my judgment so much. In the previous workplace, there were others who can (collectively) do what I do and make decisions. There is no one in the current place. Feels like I did my job too well and now that’s haunting me. Deep breath. I am doing well at work and I am fine. I shouldn’t be over worrying about everything.
The weird thing is, when some stress builds up at work, I feel like I want to be a sub that I don’t have to think about anything.
In private, I wanted to stay the same confident, positive, cheerful, calm and thoughtful me. That’s how we overcame when we have difficulties when we were trying to build up the relationship. If it wasn’t, I can think of several times that this relationship that has been built up, could’ve ended.
For some reason, I feel I see that a childish and weak me is coming out. And I hate it when I do. I had to stop myself a lot when I noticed it. I also showed too much of ‘me’ whom I have hidden so well to the prospective Dom. Just because I had decided that this time, I would be me, good or bad, I think I revealed too much. I was getting too selfish and I couldn’t stop myself. It’s just a fucking mess. Once he showed that he cared and he respected me as the person who I am, it’s very difficult to lose such a person. It’s also difficult to lose a person who I so trust and admire.
I’m trying to ignore everything and trying to act like all of these aren’t happening. How much I wish I could go back a month before.
I really crave being a submissive now. Although I’ve lived perfectly OK without being a submissive for more than 5 years or no sex for more than 5 years.
And for some reason, I crave to be his submissive now. Just imagining handing me over for whatever he wants to do . I’m bit tired of life and being a dominant and strong woman at the moment. Funny. I never felt like it before. Even towards other doms, I was a strong woman. It’s him who makes me feel like this.