I’m struggling to understand WordPress. I put a maintenance mode on but seems like people who are getting updates can still get directly to posts.
Let’s just use it to my advantage. This could be the last post.
Damn COVID.
I’m just so sad. It prevented us from meeting in person for so long. I was looking forward to actually meeting up and playing, having sex with the person I finally can trust.
Australia is taking a cautious approach. My workplace mandated us last December to come back to the office once a week from January, but seeing the Omicron spread, we have delayed it. We are back to working from home full time, for now. And many of the larger companies are taking the same approach. Workwise, I work more than 16 hours a day, so I’m happy that I don’t have to have any social chats in the office and I can get my things done. Too much to do.
I’ve been to ER twice this month for my asthma flaring up the first time in more than 10 years, which the doctors and I agree that I must’ve gotten COVID sometime during the last 6 months (but that itself didn’t trigger asthma or any respiratory issues – I can think of few times that I was unwell, but not to the extent that I thought that was COVID at the time). Then, it seems I got flu earlier this month, then the damaged lung seems to have not coped with the flu. And looking at how the country I am from is NOT coping with COVID, I am happy with the Australian cautious approach.
However, this meant that he will not be visiting where I am, as we had so hoped for. Everything being remote, there is no need. At least for a while.
Initially, I didn’t consider coming back to physical BDSM and sex. I was scared. I am still scared. That’s why the personal ad that I posted was for an online/hypnosis partner.
With him taking time to make me comfortable, I started to consider the possibility of getting back to sex and BDSM. I said to him ‘I want to (physically) play’ to him from early on (and I kept nagging him) – that was me wanting to know whether I can engage in BDSM/sex again. I thought that even though my trust in him was deepening by the day, it is still so scary for me and I thought that the more it was delayed, I would’ve wanted to run away. I still feel so. I really wanted to feel that I was OK. I can still engage in sexual activities that I used to enjoy. That, I can still be with a guy in a room and will be ok.
It’s not fair to put this burden on him, so this is my issue.
When he suddenly grabbed my wrist at a coffee meeting, I was surprised but didn’t shake off or make any sudden reaction, so that was the start. I thought…ok….I didn’t react weirdly. I was OK.
For me to enjoy sex (and the possible reasons for not being able to enjoy sex was stated here) there was a consensual non-consensual play component which I wanted, but actually never experienced.
However, I always had ‘rough sex’ on the things I like, on my profiles.
About five years ago, I was just feeling lonely. I wanted to have sex. I wanted BDSM. So, I chatted with someone online, a BDSM community that is not Fet, and I agreed to meet the person on the day, at his house. Of course, I agreed to rough sex and dominance, without getting into details. So the sex was rape, not consensual rough sex. I’m sure the safe sex was agreed but he didn’t use a condom and said that he had a hysterectomy. No document shown. I had a physical condition at that time (that I didn’t know about) which made sex painful anyway. Toys injured me in other parts. He was a quiet mannered man, but was a large person. I remember feeling relieved that Australia allows morning-after pills to be purchased at chemists. I should’ve been fine with pills but just to be 110% sure. The worst part is that I said yes, when he had asked whether I would like to play again. Not sure what my thinking was. Maybe I was happy that someone would want to fuck me?
So, I put that behind as ‘my mistake’ of not screening enough. Me not being able to stop the heat in me.
However, I tried to forget about BDSM or sex after that. When communicating with the current person, I was trying to see if I could enjoy BDSM/sex again, if I screened the dom well this time. But the fear has been still there. It is still there. The longer the actual session is delayed, I was getting scared again.
I was dreaming about the sex and BDSM session with this new Dom a lot recently. But I must have been thinking about sex too much, I had a nightmare the other day about the above terrible encounter. And that started to give me a doubt whether I was really over that incident.
I selfishly nagged the new Dom to come over (or meet me somewhere) so that we can have a session. I wanted to know that I am OK if I am with the person I trust. The nagging was too much. But the more I delay, I wasn’t sure.
By the way, I do have a support network that helped me. I think I now just need to convince myself that I am fine and can enjoy BDSM/sex.
Not sure if I can now go back to physical BDSM/sex with the delays due to COVID.
Damn COVID. I hate you so much.
I hate myself so much.