Messaging your partner and forming a bond

It’s one of sleepless nights…..let’s see if writing something helps me calm down.

Gosh. I feel old writing this post!

Even before the Internet, I was communicating with prospective doms ‘online’. That’s how I found information about BDSM.

So, I know what to look out for and limits of online communication. However, it was through emails and online chats I did prefer to talk to people who could write. Very early stages of mobile had some messaging features, but those were left for ad hoc comms, like asking whether it’s a right time to call, or using it to find where someone was when trying to meet. Think of it as a very short SMS, not like the ones we have now on our smartphone. Limited words counts and expensive!

Then, we started to meet others on alt or Fet or dating sites, where there are messaging features, just like email so you could write as much as you would want to. Fine here too.

Now, moving to anonymous messaging like whatsapp, skype, kik etc. Whatsapp being slightly different as we need each other’s telephone numbers, but I will put it here in a same bucket.

There are things that I like about these apps. If both of us are online, of course the conversation will be simultaneous. It is also like email or voicemail, as I can send it, and the other person can read it whenever it suits him. Same with me. I can also send files, so whilst we don’t exchange emails, we can exchange longer letters when we felt like we wanted to. Easier as the other person can read it on the tablet or laptop.

We can, untangle our misunderstandings rather easily, because we can ask the intent on the spot if I realise something was taken wrongly or couldn’t understand, just like voice/face to face conversations. It can also cause an issue because both of us could be typing and there could be some occasions that it’s like two different conversations are happening at the same time.

Not being face to face gives me some relief and I was able to be more true to my emotions, good or bad. I was answering more intimate questions about my BDSM style or how I was feeling. However, as I repeated so many times, this is mostly due to the Dom I have been communicating with, who made me feel safe expressing what I thought. Having said that, I would’ve had troubles if all those questions were asked face to face. I’m sure I would’ve felt like I needed to think how much I reveal, but less when I was texting.

There were some sexts which I would not have agreed to if we were doing it over the phone (or not until we met and played).

There are issues with these messaging apps too, though. Whilst I said I can send and forget, my brain understands it, but not my heart. I long for some reaction sooner than later. It’s just me being so childish, wanting some affirmation and reaction. I also long for these simultaneous chat conversations and not just send & forget message box. We recently haven’t had lots of time to chat online. Whilst I know that I don’t have to worry, the fact that the whatsapp is the only connection I have with him makes it scary when we are chatting less.

I also fear that this is going to be so tough if things didn’t work out and we don’t proceed to a play session or if we play but he decides it’s not a good match as we thought it would be. If we were only emailing each other, the conversation wouldn’t have gotten this far. Even if our lives got in our way and we weren’t able to meet over 5 months, if it were only email comms, I’m sure that we wrote differently, and the information exchanged wouldn’t have been this much.

I don’t think I can explain the bond and the feeling I have with this person to anyone else (like my vanilla friends). It’s partly to do with the fact that we are revealing about ‘sex’ and ‘BDSM’ which we don’t show to others. Even the ‘sex’ part, I am sure that it’s not the same with his vanilla partners. These messaging apps made it easier to talk about these topics, but I wonder if it went too much.

As with any online communications, if we block each other, it’s the end. I’m sure everyone did it at least once but these apps make it easier to say good bye without seeing other person’s face and if you block them, you won’t even have to face what the other person says to you. I think that’s another of my fear.

I know he’ll say something before blocking me, but when I don’t hear from him, I feel like poking him whether he is there and take 10 seconds to answer me or not….haha…..I’m acting like my cat who will gently lick me at the first, then poke my cheek and lastly shove her paw into my mouth!

Oh….that reminds me, I don’t know who he is. Lol. Maybe it’s time to go find out….I totally forgot about it and didn’t care about it.

Maybe I am getting old. The ‘online’ text chatting time cannot be a replacement for the face to face time (in person or video messaging) or voice calls. But it feels like it is giving me a false sense of security which I just can’t figure out but something is wrong. As I wrote above, I was totally fine with online comms, and even at work, I am a person who writes more than talk.

So why am I not liking the online chats now? Maybe it’s simply I am missing him. The feeling that we are connected by the app, so it’s ok that we can’t meet?

It feels like both of us are thinking….it’s ok even if our next meet up is delayed…we have each other on the app to talk anytime, and we are connected. That’s why I say a false sense of security.

Me missing him, is partly due to the fact that we are in the long distance relationship. However, it doesn’t make sense as I have been in a similar relationship. I have also been in a relationship that whilst both of us were in the same city, we both were so busy that we didn’t get to meet so often as we would’ve liked to.

It is probably me missing him. Nagging him won’t help, so nag the app…to take the blame. lol. But that means that I am only connected to him by the online apps. I am greedy too. First the messaging worked, but I am starting to want more human actions. I can’t push too hard, as if it’s something he can’t give me at the moment, it will inevitably stress him, stress him if he notices that I am stressed, and everything would fall apart.

There are, of course, positives. We have exchanged so much information about ourselves. I (just as a habit due to work) have been analysing his words carefully. I know he is the type of person who does the same too. So again, I feel that we know about each other, good and bad and made a conscious decision, except for the pending play session.

We have already had fights and near fights (even before we met in person….) and we know how each other handles fights and stressful situations. Sometimes, a short messages that he sent me, unexpectedly shown how he understood and cared about me. It could not have been possible, without all the messages we have exchanged.

Maybe it’s not about the apps. The fact that he became an important part of my life before having a session is confusing me and scaring me. It’s the app that helped create this bond, but it’s the same app that can end it. When the bond is still growing, how would I feel if he decides our sex/BDSM isn’t compatible when we meet?

Funny. I haven’t craved someone and had someone so important to me….so much that I start to hate the online messaging. I thought I was the person who would stay on texting as long as possible.