Sigh. Whilst we had Wednesday off as a public holiday (which I was working all day), it’s been very busy week for me. Mmm. Drained and it’s starting to be very difficult to think in English. It’s interesting that BDSM seems to be one of the topics that I only think about in English. I tried for a moment but I can’t think about BDSM in the other language I speak.
This time, negotiating my limits about BDSM and sex have been so easy thanks to the other person creating non-judgmental space. Also, whilst a person may say, everything is non-judgmental, if I can’t believe it, the words won’t mean much. Oh well, if the other person judged me and didn’t like my answer, it’ll end there and what else can I do than be honest with what I am thinking? …but it’s not that simple, is it? I’m not that strong.
I have to also admit that because our preferred plays seemed to be very aligned, I didn’t find anything that I had to strongly negotiate. Of course, if there’s anything that it was physically not possible to do, I have told him. Others are the questions of degree which I may have to negotiate once I experience his BDSM. Although I don’t have anything that I’m concerned, even when it’s about how far we go.
Negotiating about limits and what I like to do, what I don’t like to do was the easiest part.
There are other things that I always toss around whether I would tell him or not. Some are….probably nothing, but funnily I couldn’t decide.
So, we are in a long distance relationship (or a prospective relationship). We may only meet once a month, if I am extremely lucky, and probably expect once a quarter considering everything going on, including never ending COVID. On the other hand, I want to grab any opportunity to meet and play with him.
So, here was a question. Should I tell him that I would like him to avoid Tuesday evenings (or probably Tuesdays in general)? If I tell him in advance, there is a chance that he can take it into account when scheduling. On the other hand, that issue won’t arise until he actually tells me which date he can see me. If it’s not Tuesday, there is unlikely to be an issue (lol. We are busy…there could be other issues). If it’s Tuesday, I can think what I want to do at that point. So on.
It may sound stupid, but I couldn’t decide. Just because I didn’t want to miss any chance to see him and I didn’t want him to say ‘oh I can see you on Tuesday, but I won’t stay because I know you are busy’. I came up with something in the between, but not sure if that works. Oh well, I’ll think about it later. Maybe our session needs to be a lighter one if it’s on Tuesday. lol
I won’t lie. It’s been very difficult 5 months. Lockdown….our processional life being so crazily busy….our personal life. As the readers of this blog may know, we haven’t had a session yet. I know both of us wondered multiple times whether this relationship is feasible or not. Fortunately, we still want to try to make it happen. Or at least I want to. I want to still experience what he could offer. I want to know whether I can really submit to someone I trust and respect. Not just acting as a sub. Kneel because I want to. Not just physical pleasure (or pain).
I messaged him that I missed him, I wanted to see him and I wanted to have sex with him from time to time. It was really difficult to say them to him. I knew it won’t happen. When I tell him these words, knowing that it won’t happen (at least immediately), I knew I was tapping into his guilt. Yes, they were my honest feelings and I wanted him to know about it. Is it manipulation? Could be….could not be….
I hate to be clingy. If something in this relationship causes stress to either of us, I knew that he would say that let’s not go ahead. There are ground rules that we agreed outset. If any of my demands break the rules, this will end there.
I am also not a person who will show my feelings to others. If this was another person (or previous doms/partners), I would not have said anything. I would’ve done what I do in my professional life. Smile and act as if nothing has happened. Pushing down my true feelings. Calmly wait. Maybe that was the reason I felt ‘used’ and like a ‘doormat’ sub before.
It’s so difficult when this dom makes me think that I can be truthful about my feelings, but I do not want to be in anyway manipulative, clingy or burdensome. Still, sometimes, there are things that my analytic/calm brain tells and that my emotion tells me and my emotion can’t push down what my calm brain tells me.
And again, although I was worried, I decided to tell him how I feel. Not everytime. (Tried my best not to text everytime. lol)
It is difficult to be truthful about my feelings. It’s so scary, isn’t it?
That’s why I like BDSM sessions. Show my full emotions. Pain, pleasure, smile, excitement, cry….whatever it is, I can be truthful to my feelings. There will be no space to think whether I am ugly or whether I should/shouldn’t. Just pure emotions, answering to whatever given by the dom. Receiving his pure emotions. Primal emotions too.
I can’t wait to be myself with the person I trust and where I can close my eyes and wait to release my emotions.