So yes. As usual I’ve hidden yesterday’s post. Read it the following morning and felt…just too desperate. I should stop posting something that I write whilst crying.
I wrote something similar to this on Fet before but I decided to rewrite it. Not necessarily copying it again.
The potential dom called me a slut in a message. I momentarily thought about stopping him but I didn’t. There are other names he calls me, my first name, Missy etc.
Did I ever allow someone to call me a slut? No. Would I have let the past subs call me that? No. That would’ve ended the relationship there.
However, I allowed him to and I was comfortable with it. Because even before he explained his intentions, it was clear that he was choosing the names carefully. He also didn’t start our messages calling me a slut (take note! Some ‘doms’ who send messages calling subs with that name).
This comes down to ‘why do I like BDSM’ question. As I said before, kink is something in me, no reason why, just like I can have a female partner.
That said, I grew up in weird environment. Mom was very strict about sex. Nothing discussed at home, I was to have no sex with my high school/uni boyfriend. Even by the standards of my country at that time, it was so old. No sex until you marry, a girl won’t leave house and live alone till you marry. (Imagine the fight when I started not coming back home at nights and eventually moved out but at 25? I was working from 7am to 1 am. No way I was going to commute 1.8 hours one way. Oh yeah. I was at my boyfriend’s place). However I grew up in LA. At age 10ish, the policemen were at school explaining about drugs and the need to use a condom. I remember asking mom about both the drug and the condom and she didn’t tell me anything. So at home, nothing about sex other than things I was reading in adult novels (I so quickly grew out of kids/teen novel and was just reading usual novels which may included sex scenes).
Then as long as those no sex, no overnight stays were followed, she was rather accepting when I was writing and publishing teenage romantic novels with sex scenes in my late teens and in 20s. When I was reading Ann Rice’s BDSM novels, she found them (hidden) and read them and rather openly discussed how hot they were. LOL. She is so smart but a weird person. I also suspect my parents may have been into it from one small slip up from her years later (can’t ask? Can I?) Ann Rice’s novels had rather cute illustrations so I wonder if her reaction was the same if she found the Story of O.
Anyway, then I went into BDSM before experiencing sex. Don’t ask me why. I knew that a dom may decide to have sex with me but I was fine with it. The first Dom didn’t have sex with me, kind of honouring that I was a virgin. Then the second dom of course wanted sex but he accused me that I wasn’t a virgin because …yes I didn’t bleed. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t bleed but I suspect the medical procedure in early teens my family doesn’t even tell me what it was all about (something about cancer I think.)
Anyway, I didn’t enjoy sex with vanilla taste, because I was into kink. I need BDSM. I really didn’t admit it till last year. Even sex with doms when done as an aftercare didn’t mean anything to me. Plus for some reason, some doms were into bdsm so much but not into sex and…I didn’t think their sex was great.
So this BDSM and being called a slut…I think as much as the BDSM is a kink, I need it to create safe atmosphere that I release my guilt about sex from upbringing and enjoy it. Even better, if it is forced. Thus my lust for rough sex with someone I trust. Remember, I once had an encounter when I couldn’t hold my desire, met someone online, said I want rough sex and was raped. Brushed it off as my mistake.
The current Dom that I am communicating with, asked so many questions about what I want. To the level of details I had not thought about. So some answers were that I can’t say until I experience it with him. But I know that I am in safe hands.
Consensual non consensual. So that I can free my guilt.
I felt the same thing when he used the word slut. As his sub and as his slut, I can be someone who I am not. I can let my hidden persona take free reign. I won’t have someone like a past dom who said my blowjob was too good but felt like I am a whore. someone said the same thing about my handjob or a kiss. The list goes on. (Oh…isn’t it great when they say that after enjoying and then look at me and say that I was like a prostitute or a whore? That look of disgust) Weirdly the doms wanted to dominate who I was in my vanilla life and didn’t let me turn into a slut. They might’ve had fun with that but not me!
So it was strange that I only thought about stopping him for a second but I proceeded with letting him call me a slut. It’s not ‘a’ slut either. It’s only ‘his’ slut that I accept to be called.
I may have hidden the slut in me if it was previous me. There were some negotiations of course, but I think I allowed the previous doms to dominate vanilla me.
With the current person, I did decide that I’ll tell him what I want. Of course, that didn’t happen immediately. Over the course of long conversations and with lots of ups and downs. He can dominate my vanilla persona and my slut persona. Because he has my permission to do so and I want him to. He can call me slut or whatever he wants.
And with that, I feel like I have a permission to be his slut and enjoy whatever he gives me.
3 thoughts on “Permission to be a slut”