I feel like my stress is building up. I need to release them…mainly with work, but with other things too. It’s dangerous as I may just want to give up everything when I don’t need to, which is my main weakness.
I (briefly) wondered the current relationship that I would want to enter is BDSM.
Someone strongly said it’s not. lol. Really?
I know a lady who was told that what she was doing is not a BDSM from other Doms and subs.
These are all stupid, full stop.
Once we agree on limits (and safety), what to do and what is needed for the relationship to continue, is between the persons involved to decide. Whether you call it a BDSM, a kink, just an affair, FWB is all up to them. There is no right way and no wrong way.
If a slightest act of something that is different from vanilla sex is what the persons involved want to call it a kink or BDSM, that’s their choice. What’s vanilla sex, anyway? What happens someone thinks that sex in a missionary position is vanilla and everything else isn’t? Does it matter?
Hypnosis is discussed in Fetlife. Is it a kink? or not?
I can’t be controlled 24/7, probably. I haven’t done that and there could be a reason I haven’t. What I needed before and what I need now could be different. Well I know it is. What I needed at the start of communication with the other person may be different from what I want now, and what I want from him now. What we might do when we meet up may be, or definitely be different. It will evolve on the spot, with our discussions, and how/what we feel like doing.
We agreed to start a negotiation on the basis that he would take a dominant role, and I would take a submissive role.
As I wrote before, I can’t do ‘let’s just meet up for a BDSM whenever we need and contact when we want to meet up’. (that was long) Something like FWB. I need a connection, and it probably means I am asking a lot from the Dom too. And I know that I have asked this Dom to put a lot of effort into this. Probably more than he had expected.
On the other hand, the fact that it’s not ‘let’s meet up for BDSM’ and the trust I have with him, the control, the guidance he gives me – it could well be said that this is 24/7, but again, in our own way. There are parts of our life which are off limits to the other person.
I also need to feel cared and protected.
Does he control me?
Yes. He has certain control over me and he also has/has had influence on me. Good (…or bad – you naughty dom). He has more control over me than he thinks he has. Is he my Dom? I don’t care what he should be called. I don’t need anyone else to understand me and my relationship with me. The only thing that matters to me, is what we have built up.
Once the connection is established, I allow the Dom to control me. There is something that the Dom requested me to do, as kind of a ritual, but I am sure that I could’ve said no to it. (oh by the way, the way he requested was cheeky. lol ‘You’re not my sub yet, so I shouldn’t probably ask you to do this but…’) I could’ve said to him I would do it, and not do it. There is no way for him to know. I’d never done that kind of thing before, but I agreed, because I wanted to have something that says I am his sub. Or else, I wasn’t sure how long I could go without meeting him. Would I have said yes to previous doms? Not sure and I don’t care. They didn’t ask me to, so no need to wonder.
I am a difficult person to control. I can be controlled when I want to, and actually that’s true for any BDSM relationship but that seems to be the issue I frequently see on blogs and the Fet. Doms (who have a pumpkin on their shoulder) seem to be upset that they can’t control their subs.
I know some people who have a view that until you have sex with the other person, they are not in a relationship of any sorts (whether boyfriend, lover, BDSM etc). That’s their view.
So, if we meet up and have only sex, does that mean we won’t still be in a BDSM relationship? Setting aside the fact that I don’t think we can limit ourselves to engage in a soft, plain vanilla sex when we meet up, my answer is ‘no, it’s still a BDSM’. And, I don’t need to explain to anyone else why or why not. I have agreed him to control and influence me. It includes the fact that he could give me a pleasure through sex in a way he wants to, and in a way I want him to. I’m not sure if I would orgasm if I don’t want to. I can control myself if I want to. lol.
Another example is, if we want to engage in rough sex, what does that mean? I had my ideas, he had his ideas and after so many exchanges of ideas, I think we have an idea of where we can start. That’s only a start.
Now, once I experience his version of ‘rough sex’, I might realise that I need to ask him to change something. Same with him. So our ‘rough sex’ isn’t set in stone. Again, it’s based on our negotiations and agreement. Take it to an extreme level, if someone says to me, what I want is a rape, it’s OK as long as I am fine and he is fine with it. I’ll just add that there are so many things that is required for this not to be a ‘rape’ but a consensual ‘rough sex’. The connection, the trust, feeling that I am protected and cared, the fact that he wants me to experience my dream rough sex etc. If one of these are lacking, or if I feel it is lacking, the ‘consensual’ element may drop off. I’ve experienced that before.
As long as it is consensual, you can decide what you relationship should be like. There is no right way or wrong way. I keep on saying to the newbies, doms and subs. However, it’s very delicate as I know I’ve been in a situation I thought I was a sub, but I was used or abused and it probably wasn’t really BDSM (or the BDSM I wanted).
Again, I don’t know how this will evolve. I don’t know if this survives our first session. But then, what’s been going on is BDSM in our way, limited by the fact what we can do at the moment. It’s not the same BDSM that he entered into with other subs, it’s not the same as the BDSM that I entered with other doms, but that’s not an issue. When we meet up and if we change , that’s fine too as long as we agree.
If someone says to me, that’s not BDSM. I’ll only go…fine. I don’t care what it is called. I don’t owe any explanation to anyone else other than me and him.