A perfectionist and failing

I know I am a perfectionist. But also a lazy one.

I want to be good at everything I do. Or, at least aim for it. Then I want to be happy that I did everything I could.

At work. I am doing well, probably better than I thought I would 2 years ago. But I feel like I don’t even have enough to time to do everything at a standard I want to do. My boss says so much of work I’ve done in the past 3 months (since I joined the company) were above what was expected in my job description, in terms of volume and quality. However, my career progress been a very slow one, mostly because I am not good at office politics and I don’t go around boasting about how good I am. Sometimes, I lose my confidence whether the reason I am not where I could have been, is because I am not good enough.

I want to be good at painting and piano/mandolin, which are my hobbies. I am pretty good, but I want to be better.

I also want to be a good submissive. However, I don’t know what that means. Having found someone that I want to submit, I have done my best about what I can do. Trying to lose weight was one (also it bounced back a bit so unhappy, as I wrote the other day but that has to wait till my health is back on track). There is another thing that he asked me to do already (before committing to the relationship), which I have agreed and been doing.

Things like exercising is easy to implement. But then, the question is, what does it mean to be a good sub? No, I am not too worried about what happens at the bedroom. Luckily, I don’t have any concerns about saying no, or speaking up concerns I may have with the prospective Dom.

I will do everything so that I will enjoy the BDSM session with him. Losing weight is one of those things that works for this purpose too. I will have more peace of mind if I don’t have to worry about how I look. I got all lingeries etc ready, which is for me and him. I will do everything so that he will enjoy the BDSM session with me. Meaning, I’ve found out what he likes and what he doesn’t like. There are several things that he only mentioned once, but I haven’t forgotten them. Happy to let him do/me to do if the flow on the day allows us to incorporate those.

Then there is a question of how I deal with my emotion. Keeping somewhere between not being a door mat and trying to be a good sub/partner is a difficult one.

I’ve put more effort into this prospective relationship than I ever did. I thought and still think that it is worth the effort. I know he cares about me, and I care about him.

However, I’m so afraid about saying what I want. I haven’t said too much about this, in the fear that the other person says ‘that’s not what I can offer’ or ‘if this stresses you too much, let’s stop’.

How much can I tell my feelings without appearing needy? I’m not good at that. I feel like it’s better just keeping my feelings to myself. I don’t want to be a doormat this time (and thanks to him who will carefully consider what I say to him), so I’ve said I need to say where I need to (but bare minimum). I long to see him and feel him, but feel like if I say it, I am just being selfish. Feels like a sub should be waiting for the Dom’s call. I know that’s not the case, but the previous experiences seem to have scarred me.

I know that I will be very scared when we are finally able to spend a night together. It’s probably me getting scared about it, now. Looking for it so much and then feeling that it is scary and wanting to run away (I know I can’t…..I so want to experience a BDSM and sex session that he will offer and see how I feel when it’s done with someone that I truly trust and can turn my mind blank).