Control or connect

Almost 30 years on the online life (including pre-Internet), I don’t understand people on the Internet.

Someone messaged me that I’m not really a submissive (oh…really?) and I’m too complex and he feels for my prospective dom. And that it’s wrong for me to call this person my prospective dom.

Sorry. This is my blog, and as I wrote, it’s half my journal. If you did not like it, you don’t have to read and go read something that satisfies them.

Deeeeeep breath. This isn’t the first message of this kind that I have received.

Yes. My Dom-to-be and I haven’t had sex. We haven’t had a BDSM session yet. We probably haven’t had enough face to face time too (either online or in real life).

That’s why he is a “Dom-to-be” and a “prospective Dom”. (Wait….is Dom to be a right term? He is already a Dominant for sure. It sounds like a dominant in training. Just may not be mine….lol)

I have been trying to be careful myself that there is a chance that we do not click on sexually. There is a chance that he will not like my body. He might not be able to say why, but he might not like me in the real life. If any happens, I can’t really control what he thinks.

Let me also add I don’t care what label he fits. Master, Sir, Dom or even simply a lover? Who cares. I will probably use the word around Dom on the blog as that it is the easiest to refer to him and we met on the basis that he would take a dominant role and I would take a submissive role in relation to sexual activities.

The same person said I seem to be an uncontrollable dominant person. (I’m so wanting to use an emoji here….one that is laughing….)

A dominant doesn’t control me. I do not allow a dominant to control me. That’s where probably my past real life dominant partners were wrong. They were frustrated that I didn’t allow him to control me. If I pass out because of a pain, does the dominant win and does it mean that he controlled me? There is still a choice made by me, that I didn’t use a safe word.

What a good dom should be able to do, is to connect with me. Deeply connect with me and he could read me. When I want more, when I want to pull back (for whatever reason). Understand the clues that I may give out (whether it is intentional or not). I have to let him connect to me, but once I allow him to connect, it’s up to him to read and understand me, and question me to further understand me.

The flip side is that, I will allow him to read me. Through our constant negotiation (oops…vanilla me came out), we allowed each other to read us. Unless I intentionally hold back as a part of a game, I will be honest about my wish, my fear and my desire. Even after we have connected, I have been watching carefully how much he could read me. I am sure it is the same with him.

He allowed me to connect to him, and let me know his deep desires that he would otherwise hide in the other aspects of his life. There were his fears, concerns and his dark lusts that he let me connect and feel. I read him, try to understand him and question anything that I wanted to know (even though that led to some issues between us) so that I can understand him. So that I can understand why he would do certain things to me.

That is the power each of us has against the other person. That is what is powerful about the relationship between this person and me. We each control the other in a sense. It’s not a one way control by a dominant person.

This ability to read each other is important in vanilla sex too, but more important in BDSM. Especially in my case as I want to engage in pain plays and rough sex. He will need to read whether I am near the limit or not, I will need to read him to see whether I need to stop or ask for more. If one person mentally pulls back (for any reason), we need to know and decide on the spot what to do.

Whether I enjoy sex is not only about the technique that the other person has. A person should be able to read. The power to steer the scene isn’t only his alone. I will enjoy words and mind games to decide whether I want to change where it is heading.

Whatever I call this other person, I’ve noticed that he is the type of person who can do this. I also let him into my heart like I never let anyone do. Connect with me, and read what I feel. Good, bad and ugly. Everything. That is where the trust comes from. I’ve seen him weak, confused and wondering. Does that make him not a dominant? No, it doesn’t.

Yes, I am not for a dominant who wants a sub who never challenges the dominant. I am a dominant by nature. I’m not a type of person who wants 24/7 submission, or give out a total control. Whether you call it topping from bottom or not, no dominant fully controls the BDSM scene….

I am going to let my weak side out only with someone whom I trust. This person and I have our BDSM style that we want to create as our own. I may or may not hand over a total control. I don’t know. I may, for the first time because I want to. He knows me well enough by now, and I know him well enough by now. I might just shut down my calm and analysing persona and let him take the control. I might not because I enjoy the mind game that we can play. Stimulating each other.

The truth is, I don’t even care if someone tells me that our relationship is not BDSM.