Acceptance

Oh…it’s always on the new year’s resolution list, isn’t it? Losing weight. I’m seeing so many ladies writing about it now :).

Whilst I lost quite a bit of weight during the last 4 months, I am not in the state where I wished I would be a month ago.

There are lots of excuses if I want to make them. Lost weight and then gained back 1 kilo and I’m not happy.

This does pose an issue, because I haven’t taken off my clothes in front of the potential Dom. Yes we met in person, but I don’t think he could imagine everything under the clothes (he certainly was trying, from the look he gave me but we know how to hide them well too. lol).

I will work on this when my health is back on track and work is quieter (if it ever gets quieter…), and will restart from small steps, but I have accepted that this is me. I tried too much too sudden, my back was strained which stopped me from exercising for a while, so better not do too much too soon! I might not be able to even have sex if my back is bad!

If he doesn’t like it, that’s the end. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t control what anyone else thinks about me. Simple as that.

I have to be happy where I am now. There is a journey ahead, but if I stress about my weight in addition to other things I am stressing in my life, nothing will work.

I will have to wait until I meet with him and take my clothes off to see how I feel. How he feels. He can tell me it doesn’t matter now, but that probably will be a little help to me. I just have to feel how I feel and observe how he feels about it. It’s something that I will be happier relying on my observation and intuition rather than an analysis. I only have to be careful that I get scared and won’t run away from the first session.

I will need to rely on my gut feeling about him, how I have been feeling about who he is. It’s probably correct. I need to trust me.

Then, there is a weird issue of me wanting to have sex with him and enjoy BDSM with him. These emotions are actually stronger than me not wanting to take off my clothes….for some reason.

Because we weren’t able to meet quickly and experience the session soon after communicating, that delay worked in my favour, I think. And in his favour too. I wonder whether we would’ve agreed to go into the BDSM session if it were the usual times that we could have met up after just few messages exchanges. Yes, I still do think that we may have tried, but there was also a chance that we did not like how each other look and thought that we didn’t click. I am so introverted that I would’ve not talked too much had there not been all these chats, so that could’ve ended when we met.

Oh the therapists saying to me that there are people who like big girls (why do they all say that?) won’t really help, does it? I find it interesting that they don’t understand that we don’t want someone who wants me because I am overweight….sigh….

Each of us being fond of the other because of the way we think and how similar we are. It started online, and still is being continued online, but I think this was more like how people meeting in ordinary life. Like how we meet people during university, how we meet people through work.

Of course, there are people who just are attracted in beauty of another person and we can’t change them. They won’t be interested in me. The funny thing is that I can accept that in real life, but have a difficulty when it comes to sexual partners/BDSM partners.

However, there are people who get interested in me because of my personality or how I think or how I do things. There are people who are more interested in those aspect of me, and not entirely based on how I look. That seems to be what happened this time, due to length of time we were able to chat so much about everything and anything.

So still not happy about how I look, but I’ve decided that I won’t stress about it. If I have a chance and time to lose some weights before I meet him, that’ll be great. If not, that’s OK.

I have to tell myself that it’s OK and trust that he is the person I think he is. Oh he is very different from people I got attracted to (too much info) but that didn’t matter at all because I got attracted to his warm personality, being so smart and able to read me well, and the fact that he accepts me who I am.

I am so looking forward to feeling how I feel when I have sex and BDSM when I have accepted who I am, rather than being ashamed, and experiencing those with a person who accepts me as is.

…but let’s see if I can lose a kilo or two by not starving myself, shall we? That’ll lead to happier me.