Bottomless sub?

There is something that I constantly wonder.

The previous Doms told me that they got scared that I took anything that I did to me. How hard they inflict me pains. It seemed to them like I was bottomless and was wanting more. Some got frustrated that I didn’t use a safe word.

I don’t want my current, developing, new relationship to end like that or the Dom to be disappointed that I am not responding to what he does to me in away he wants me to.

I wonder if I am such a masochist that I need such a strong pain that normal (aka sane) Doms aren’t ready to inflict.

Of course, I declined to play with some Doms who would’ve taken pains to the extent I may not have been able to tolerate. If I were really a submissive that the Doms said I might be, I could’ve agreed to play with them but I didn’t. Because I wasn’t into to destroying myself even if the Doms may have thought so.

I do agree that I may not have been satisfied with the BDSM sessions that I have previously experienced.

It could’ve been because I felt by my skin that some Doms wanted to dominate me because of who I was, but really not looking at who I was. They were looking me only at a surface. Which university I finished, where I was working or how successful I was. I’m trying to see whether I can accurately express what I want to say. It’s so difficult! Even the above sentence is contradicting.

For example, I know two of Doms got off dominating me who graduated one of the top universities and because I was successfully working at a prestige employer (is there such a thing? so stupid). They were so excited that I was kneeling to them, who weren’t graduates of such a university. I know they bragged about it online.

This surface skin of me, is still me. I don’t mind that the Doms want to dominate me because I am a successful woman. But if that’s the only reason they want to dominate me I got disappointed. I love a confident man who wants to dominate me for who I am.

When I think about it, I probably wasn’t really respecting and submitting to those Doms. Again, this isn’t about what education they had or where they worked. That doesn’t worry me a bit but they cannot feel that they cannot dominate me except using an extreme force, pain or humiliation. Their insecurity just started to creep up and then the things happened went terribly wrong.

As much as I wanted the Doms to look at me as a total package, I would like to see the Dom as a total package and respect him for who he is. Personality, intelligence, how they want to dominate me and work ethics, etc. I don’t want to be disappointed with a Dom. Easy example, I hated a Dom who lied to me about his education. I didn’t care, but he thought he needed to. There was a Dom who called and complained to a company for 3 hours to get back his expired points on shopping.. I went….wow….I hate these people (whether they are a dom or not).

For Doms who I wanted to dominate me because I am an independent and strong woman, I didn’t feel like I could let them see my weakness. That probably led to me not wanting to be defeated in BDSM sessions and then it led to their comments above.

I am glad that the prospective Dom accepts me for who I am, including my weakness, my personality and my work ethics. Also, that goes both ways. Just because he is a dominant doesn’t mean he has to be strong to me all the time. If a Dom shows me his weakness, that doesn’t lessen my respect in the Dom but I know some Doms felt so.

After experiencing so many different BDSM plays, I have to admit that I haven’t found someone who was close to what I wanted to do. There was certain times that I felt like I was tolerating some plays because I wanted to be with the Dom. It could’ve been from my loneliness, and I felt like I wanted to be with someone and play, even if that play wasn’t entirely what I wanted.

So this time, we went a great length to check that what we wanted, in terms of BDSM and sex, were compatible. I may not have gone to the length we did, but the Dom did. He was asking so many questions and details to make sure he knew what I wanted. I have to say that it initially made me very uncomfortable but then, it got easier as I understood why he was asking the questions and understanding that he was asking them for me to enjoy.

I also think that I separated BDSM and sex with the past Doms. I had sex with them, but some were doing it as a part of aftercare, some didn’t even want to. That meant I wasn’t really satisfied with the BDSM sessions. No wonder I wasn’t satisfied how strong the pains were. My sexual lust wasn’t satisfied. It didn’t also occurred to me that whilst I wanted the BDSM and sex to be linked and I wanted rough sex that I cannot resist (yes, consensual non-consensual play) but I never found someone who could give me that.

I’m so hoping that I made a right choice this time, and I have found someone that I can respect and want to kneel (physically or not). I don’t want to make the same mistake again and that to be a reason for the BDSM relationship to fail. But I keep on thinking, did I do things right this time? I really do not want to lose him. The first person who I can really respect and submit.