I wish it was easy as saying ‘eeny, meeny, miny moe’ and someone or something makes a decision for me.
There are so many ‘first’ things for me this time.
First time for me to meet someone through Fet.
First time that I was not able to meet him in person for a long time.
First time that I was grilled by the Dom in detail about what I like (about BDSM and sex).
(I’ve hidden some of the previous posts so some of you may have already read what’s on this post.)
My communication with a ‘potential’ Dom has been going on for nearly 4 months. This was forced partly due to our strict lockdown in Australia. This was partly due to our distance and our life getting between us.
We were able to squeeze in a short coffee meet once. I haven’t met him for sex or a BDSM session yet. This, more than anything, scares me a lot.
I’m not sexy. I’m overweight. I’m not glamarous.
So, I have a fear about taking my clothes off. I wear loose clothes to hide my bodyline.
Whilst we have met in person, which makes me feel little bit better than not meeting in person, it still doesn’t decrease my anxiety. Well, it is better because I had a chance to lose some weight during the time we weren’t able to meet, but it’s nowhere near where I want to be. I wish I could be like my good friends who are way bigger than me, but enjoying their dating life! (I don’t mean it in a bad way :)) I wish I was like people who are very body positive about themselves.
Whilst I analyse a lot, I have been relying on my intuition a lot in my life too! So, good or bad, if I were to enter into a sexual or BDSM relationship, I preferred to experience it earlier after vetting through the messages and a coffee/dinner meat. It’s interesting how I like to put my brain to side and just feel it. I know that I overanalyse and overthink. So before I misread anything, I want my gut feeling to take over and help me with deciding yes or no.
Funnily enough, I don’t think I’ve misunderstood this potential Dom. I am quite sure that he is the person who I think he is, as a Dom and as a person in general. My fear is more on the side of what happens if he misunderstands me. What if he feels like I’m a good match as his sub, when I am not because of how I look or how I react in the private session with him?
I should, trust him, shouldn’t I? I should trust what he tells me. I should trust his skills to read our conversations properly and analyse who I am. I should trust that when he was happy after he met me in person, he means it whilst I haven’t taken off my clothes.
I’ve been in BDSM on and off for 25 years. I should know that I haven’t had anyone who walked away when we met in person (even for a drink or a coffee) because I do vet the Doms properly and my intuition has been working properly. I have been more honest to this Dom than anyone else I had communicated with, including my past BDSM partners. He knows me well enough, including my weakness and my ugly sides which makes me more comfortable than other Doms. But my fear about having sex and BDSM is very difficult to shove away to side.
I can’t wait to experience his sex and his domination. That also makes me anxious when I think about it. I should trust my ‘intuition’ that he is the Dom that I want, now. He may not have been who I wanted before. He may not be the Dom I want later in my life, but I know he is the Dom I want now.
I don’t want to be stressed or him to be stressed because I am anxious like this. But, I don’t think this anxiety will go away until I experience sex and the BDSM. I’m probably more anxious than usual as I don’t want to lose him, more than other BDSM partners.