Your first dom and ideal dom

Who is a submissive’s first dominant?

It’s not the person you’ve met first and experienced a BDSM scene.

I think it’s the ideal dominant who you create in your mind. Unless you did not have any idea of BDSM and has been introduced by your partner to the BDSM, I’m sure you have your ideal dominant in you. I’m sure that the dominants will have their ideal submissives in their mind.

It’s someone you may think about in your dream. In your masterbation.

Mine is a mixure of many dominants from various novels (doesn’t mean only BDSM novels, though!), my taste added and my ideal vanilla partner added into it. I do think it is complex in my case as the culture of all countries I lived in, are mixed in that my ideal dominant.

That ideal dominant will change from time to time. Depending on what I want at that time.

It could’ve been easier if I would have been happy to train and educate someone as a dominant. I just couldn’t. My submissive nature is too strong. I don’t even want my dom to do something that he is not into, just because I asked for it. I had doms who were happy to do so, and I just didn’t get excited as much.

For me, I just want to be ‘used’ by a dom that I trust. I want him to do what he want to do to me. I say, ‘I trust’ because of course, there are limits in him and in me. That said, I don’t mind my limits being expanded if he really wants to do so and if it’s not my hard limit. I also add that I’ve experienced most of popular plays…..even the ones I don’t want to think about it now.

No amount of negotiation can completely match someone who is a dominant in the real world with your ideal dominant. Maybe that’s why I kept on looking for someone and then lost interest for a while. Then repeat.

I’m old enough and experienced enough to know that my ideal dom doesn’t exist.

Well, let’s also add that my very close friends told me that my ideal (vanilla) partner doesn’t exist too. lol. I’m very complex and they told me there would be no one who can match me. That person doesn’t have to be complex like me. He or she just need to understand that I am a complex person.

Add BDSM to that.

Add the issue of my ‘ideal’ dom inside me to that.

Impossible, isn’t it?

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Then, I met someone who is very close to my ideal dom. He couldn’t possibly be a copy of my ideal dom. Just as I can’t be a copy of his ideal sub.

Through our endless communication, we were vetting how close we each were, to our ideal BDSM partners. I’m not sure about me, but he was quite close to the ideal dominant I want at this stage, now. That is probably different from whom I wanted 10 years ago or 20 years ago.

He was ready to accomodate what I want. In terms of BDSM play, he wasn’t planning to engage in what I wanted to do. Luckily, those plays were in his sleeve and he was willing to bring it back.

I was willing to accomodate what he wanted to do. Some were very close to my limits, but they were my soft limits rather than in the hard limits basket. There are several stuff that initially I wasn’t quite sure which way I wanted to go, but decided it’s fine this person after a while.

Then, I noticed that it was very lucky that our play styles were alike, and that eased things a lot, but my ideal dom wasn’t about what he does to me. Well, not in terms of physical plays. I guess, as I said above, we can tailor and will tailor our play style for every partner. The key is that we both don’t feel like we compromised.

I was looking for someone who can truly fuck my mind and who thinks similarily to me. Someone who can understand me. Someone I can respect. Someone who will respect me as who I am. Who can keep dominating me. Is it a dominant version of me? I’m not sure.

I’ve been told numerous times by my parents that I am too dominant and too competing as a female (and especially in my home country) and I should’ve been born as a male, then I would’ve had a better life….is their view. I don’t think it’s that simple.

It probably does go back to what I said in my Yin and Yang article. It’s not as easy to say that the ideal dom is a flip side of me. It is someone who complements me in so many different ways.

So, have I found someone who is the closest to my ideal dom? I’m actually trying to be careful that I don’t project my ideal dom on him. I’m also careful that I’m not responding him to be his ideal sub.

Both of us are, analytical, smart (if I could say so) and also care about each other. That means that it is easy for both of us to give an answer the other wants. I have been extra careful that I won’t give an answer which I don’t mean, just because I know that he wants to hear that answer. I can do that. I’ve done that.

Just be myself, and honest – is my mantra this time. Don’t say anything just to please the other person. I have to be say, it’s easy with this person but sometimes difficult. My brain starts to calculate what the best answer would be – too much training in my professional life. And I also wondered if he is saying certain things just because he knows that I want to hear.

I contantly have to pull myself back. Tell myself that ideal dom is just that. Doesn’t exist. But isn’t it nice to find someone so close? I can mould my ideal dom within me this time….not the other way around.