Oh my. I’ve been very irritated with everyone and everything this week and I’ve been annoyed that I was doing this to others. I hate when I notice that I am doing this.
I had to be very careful with what I say, write and do or else I would have destroyed everything I didn’t want to. I was close to destroying various relationships I have built up. I’m glad the most were text/chat messages and I noticed when I was typing so was able to stop. Add to it I was whinging too much and I hated it. Yes. They are not perfect and I am also not perfect.
However, everyone was instinctively sensing something and gave me words what I wanted (and I don’t think every one of them knew!). This could be why they are persons I don’t want to lose. I’m glad that I was able to stop.
It could be the crazy busy period at work leading up to Christmas period. Also a Christmas and New Year’s period is the time I feel most lonely living alone without a family.
Anyway, I feel better just whinging here and noting it down. Back to calm and confident myself, if I can get back to it. The Christmas period will be a period for me to catch up with some work that I haven’t been able to.
Back to the topic I wanted to write. It’ll distract me from this emotion that I want to be in a shell and cut off all ties.
‘A fetish is something a person must have to get arousal. A fantasy is can happen in the person’s mind but not essential.’ I was listening to a podcast (nothing to do with BDSM!) and this phrase came up.
As I said, it took me 25 years to admit that a submission and pain were what I need. It’s just like when a person prefers to have a same sex partner. I can’t enjoy any sexual relationship with a younger guy too so that’s my limit too. 
I wonder if there is a difference between male and female.
I felt over the years that even for a dominant male, domination wasn’t ‘necessary’. They can still enjoy vanilla sex without domination. Sure. It may not be a strong climax as they want it to be but still that is possible.
For me, I needed sex to be part of submission for my arousal. I noticed this fantasy in my teens when I was reading BDSM novels (RIP Ann Rice…so sad). Is that why I wasn’t able to enjoy sex or is it just because I didn’t have anyone who I trust? I don’t think the latter is true. I had one person that I trusted to some extent, more than others. The difference with the current prospective dom is that I wanted to show this past dom a perfect me. Then when we got to know each other, I went into a caring mode rather than him being a dom. I’m not saying that he became a sub. No. But something was different.
Anyway when a dom goes back halfway to a vanilla mode and have sex, I didn’t enjoy much. It could also be because at that point, it was half aftercare but half to meet his needs rather than mine. Funnily they all seemed to think that the nice sex was what I wanted. Lol.
I also don’t think I had anyone who really combined BDSM and sex into one scene.
This time, I decided that I am going to be me. Good, bad and ugly. So I said how sex needs to be incorporated into BDSM. It was easier as his idea seemed to be very similar.
I’m wondering and thinking that with him, I may be able to understand whether submission is my fetish or fantasy. Also whether the reason why I couldn’t enjoy sex was to do with someone I had sex with, or with me. I have body image issues. So I need to take away the thought away when I am having sex and the submission and strong sub space ‘may’ make me forget it. Lastly I feel that he would try to come up ways that I will enjoy sex, which nobody else seemed to care.
Sigh. Complex.
It took me also around twenty five years to accept that BDSM, submission and kink in general are part of me. I agree that process must be similar to that of homosexual person, recognizing and accepting that this is who they are,