Rough sex to start out with? He said.
Yes. Break me. I said.
Belt and whip? I said.
Cane? He said.
I may lose control. He said.
I want to see you lose control. I said.
These sound like typical BDSM conversations. However, these conversations didn’t take place instantly.
I didn’t think I would be back and find someone to submit after a long break. My post on the Fet was…how should I say it, something that I regretted the moment I posted it and looked for something else. Reading through the messages received, I was thinking, ‘No, I’ve made a mistake’.
Then, as I wrote, I have been exchanging messages with someone for a long period. What did I find out? I can trust him to go into BDSM and sex again. If I think about my age etc, it could be my last.
He patiently found out what excites me and what my fantasies are. Initially I did think about not revealing too much to him because I did want to leave some unknown factors for the actual plays. However he was trying to find out because he wanted me to enjoy as much as he would.
Then I thought that the ‘unknown’ factor can be me as well. I mean, I think we know each other well enough that if I wanted to change the scenario he has in his mind, I can without upsetting him. (Or I may intentionally upset him if I want to see where it goes?)
He has incorporated my fantasies to his. So that we both can enjoy. So that I don’t feel like ‘used’. That’s how I felt with some of the previous plays with others.
He created a space where I can be honest and totally open. Not be judged because I say I want/ like this or I say ‘No.’ Not be judged by the way I think. I can say ‘that’s not my thing’ even if it’s his thing. I didn’t say Yes to some stuff but didn’t say No either because I wanted to explore them with him before deciding. I trust that he would either notice that I am uncomfortable or would stop if I ask him to, even in the heat of the moment.
I’m sure he would understand my anxiety when we step into a room. I trust that he can warm me up quite quickly. He knows how he can get me into a sub space. I trust that he knows numerous ways to turn me on. With his words, tone, expression and his body.
I know how I can turn him on when I want to. It’s going to be a silent fight between us. Us being equal. I want to see him turned on by my words and me.
We are roleplaying in various ways. He as a dominant me as a submissive but it’s not that simple.
I also trust him that if I am anxious, he would observe me and gradually take it from there or experiments to break my anxiety. I did not hesitate to tell him about my trauma as I knew he would consider and discuss if necessary, how to ease it. I feel like I can get past my trauma if it is with him.
Observe. My body, my words. Take advantage of my slip of words. If I provoke him he will know. He will know when it’s a game and when it’s my true anger. I know he wouldn’t miss a clue. He knows I observe him to find out what turns him on. Through our chats, we knew when the other wasn’t 100% truthful or wanted to avoid the conversation. That’s because we had observed each other so carefully. Our words. Our body reaction.
BDSM doesn’t need to be one way play. Whilst he plans what may happen during the play, I also know him well that I know where I can push his boundaries or how I can change the course of the play if I want to. We know why the other person does that.
Do we need various slave postures? Sure if he wants to and if I agree. But not necessarily. What do I feel when he uses various 4 letter words and denigrating words? They are the words only used to drag me into the scene or when he wants to slip into a dominant mode. None of them will make me feel I am being degraded.
These are reasons why I want a dominant in my life. I want someone I can kneel. I can trust that he would treat me like he would break me but he won’t because he wants to keep on playing with me. I want to make him lose control but I will keep him on the edge so that we both can enjoy.
I don’t need to say everything to him. He doesn’t need to tell me everything. We observe. We take time. We protect the other in our own way.
My preferred play as a sub isn’t a gentle easy one. The sex I like isn’t violent but not a vanilla too. That’s why I can agree for only certain people to break me. That’s why I want to submit. I’ve never said to a dom ‘break me’. So why did I this time?