I wrote something 3 months ago which was similar to this post, but decided to take it down for some reason. I think I was very unsure of what was happening and where it was going at the time.
Now I wanted to write something similar, but feeling very different.
Australia went into strict long lockdowns this year due to COVID. So there were so many things I had to do differently about meeting a potential dom and communicating with him.
There were things that were helped by these lockdowns and things that slowed us down because of the lockdowns.
Of course, we would have met in person much earlier if there was no lockdown. It’s a sort of long distance relationship but luckly we’re not in different countries. We would’ve managed to meet some way. A meet and greet, then try a session….those would have happened, if we were to click. I am actually not sure that we would’ve clicked this much, had we went down the usual path.
It’s important we suss out as much information and issues as possible before, during and after the session, but there are also things that are been easier to tell the other person when we are not face to face talking. I, for one, like to think how to express what I am thinking and consider how I can accurately convey the message to the other person. Sometimes it’s better to do it on messaging. English is not my native language. There are words that I cannot translate in English as there is no compatible words. Those words, unfortunately, are seen mainly in the words that express feelings. Why does my native laguage have so many delicate ways to express emotions?
The flip side is that, he may want to see how I am acting when I said that sentence, so relying on messaging only does derive him to understand me more. For example, he may be able to pick up ‘how much’ I am uncomfortable, talking about something which is difficult to undersand just from a message. To an extent, it can be done by video chats, but I feel that’s not enough too.
However, a strict lockdown meant there was no way we could meet in person. So we chatted online more than we would have done in the pre COVID era. The basic trust was quite quickly established as we clicked and thanks to him creating such an environment where I can freely say what I feel and not be scared that I would be judged.
Just by coincidence we work in a similar field. Probably I shouldn’t have, but I was chatting about my work. Knowing his /my work ethics, how we see our work gave us insights to who we are outside BDSM. It also meant that we can say to each other ‘Leave me alone, I’m busy’. This, whilst it seems to be such a minor thing, is important for me (and him). I can’t work 18 hours a day and still try to fit a BDSM (I mean physical meeting)!
Two people who like to write and read than talk, analyse and were confident about our brain and instinct started to chat online and vetting process started. Of course we were writing a lot to each other. Both couldn’t stop grilling down about the other. Lol. I do admit that it just happens to be our nature (both of us) but if we weren’t in a lockdown I don’t think we would’ve gone this far. For example, when he asked me to describe in detail and express in words what I would be feeling in a particular scene, my initial reaction was ‘what?’ I wasn’t sure I could and it felt like he is looking at me through the shields I have set up to protect myself. Add to that fact – messages won’t dissapear like the words spoken.
A lack of communication (like in the usual, non COVID times) ‘could have‘ led to me allowing him to do something I wasn’t comfortable and to still be silent from the fear of losing a Dom as I usually was. I don’t have that fear now. I’m being careful and saying ‘could have’ as there was something different with this person and I have a feeling that neither he or I would’ve let that happen in any circumstances.
When I think about it, there is nothing wrong with grilling down to the extent we did, even if it were in the non lockdown days but I just don’t think we would have.
Communicating too much and both of us thinking too much did lead to some issues.
We had misunderstandings. Well, if our exchanges are by messaging, it was certain to happen, wasn’t it?
We had both gotten to a point that we felt we went too far and we felt like ‘this can’t be right’. When I think of it, I was probably thinking, we couldn’t have formed this level of bond before we meet, comparing it to the pre-COVID era, so something must be ‘wrong’. Whereas I should’ve been more confident about my analysis, feeling and intuition.
We had each of our vanilla life stressing out that we can’t deal with the BDSM issues.
I would not have been surprised if any of them ended our communication.
The difference was that I (and probably he) was confident that the other person would understand the issues if I explain. I trusted that he would read and consider. He trusted that I would consider his message. And we still didn’t want to give up.
So we finally met up for a short coffee (and when I say short, it was short, due to our schedules). Nothing changed my mind. I don’t think it changed his. At least, we confirmed that our gut feeling was correct and thankful that we were still there.
It will still be a while until we can meet again. I know myself. I would’ve been very unhappy if I can’t meet the partner for such a long time. Yes I do feel lonely but on the other hand, not as lonely as when I was with my previous partners. Can’t say why. I feel like I am in a safe place he created for me.
Whilst on my journey at sea, I may have dropped my key;
Walking past others, I may have dropped my key;
Helped by light from the moon;
Helped by light from cities;
I’m looking for the lost key;
No where to be seen;
The key was wrapped, once, twice,…..so that it’s a mystery;
You will never find it alone – someone says;
I want to find the key to live;
I want to find, with you, the key.
[anon]