Someone said there is no need for a safe word if it’s only sex.
I said that’s not correct. It’s sex within a BDSM context.
It’s easier if I just use my circumstances. Our first meeting is likely to be a sex only. So no need for a safe word?
I, as an experienced sub, have never needed to use a safe word. ‘Never needed to use’ is different from not agreeing about it.
From my experience, I’m very unlikely to need a safe word for a BDSM session. Or should I say that provided that I screened a dom well, there was no need to. The dom carefully observed me and stopped before it got too much for me. They knew when they can push, be too much for me, but was ok. I didn’t get into a panic too. Just a word of caution. This only applies when both the dom and sub are experienced and I’ve never played with newbies. So just agree on a safe word, and a gesture (if you are going to be gagged).
However, I need it for sex. It’s weird as I won’t negotiate a safe word if I was going into a vanilla sex person whom I met in a non kinky world.
I feel that I am lucky that I can tell the other person the safe word as he lives in the same kinky world.
Because the last sex was an unfortunate, forced sex incident, I have more concerns about how I would react to sex in general, and then to rough sex. I’m sure that if I trust the dom well, I’ll be fine and I see no concerns but I don’t know how my mind may react. I’ve just shoved the experience to aside and forgot it. I haven’t even looked for anyone to have sex with since then, hence I initially looked for an online partner. So, for our sake, the safe word will be our peace of mind.
My other concern was that I can’t control how I look. My mind could be thinking I’m ok but my body may react differently and I could look scared (unintentionally). I told the dom that I would use it if necessary, so don’t stop if he didn’t hear the safe word. I tell the same to all doms. This also means there needs to be a trust, both ways. The dom trusts that I will use it when necessary and I trust him that he will stop if I use it.
Also, remember that the safe word is not the only protection. I do tell the dom if I am uncomfortable with something, like how a rope is too tight or my joint being uncomfortable. It can be the case that he had intentionally done it, but it could be that my body just couldn’t take it and he needs to know that. If it’s unintentionally inflicted, I feel that the dom should know.
It’s for dom’s sake too. He does not have to worry and continue whatever he wants to do until I utter out the safe word. I can be saying ‘no stop, please’ as part of a play, and he doesn’t have to worry whether I really mean it. I do use these words just to spice things up. Haha. Of course I don’t mean it. I would get mad if it really stops there. Poor dom!
Oh let’s throw in the new laws that came into effect where I live and which is about consent and sexual activities. Will the mere safe word protect the dom? No it won’t but it’s one of the way for him to protect himself. (This issue is a whole another story. It seems to work for vanilla sex, but still can’t see that it’ll work in the bdsm context).
I was thinking for a long time whether I want to tell him a safe word for a mere sex session. I was so worried that he would feel that I was too anxious for just sex, not even a BDSM. He knows what’s happened and what I am concerned about so I wondered whether telling him a safe word seem like I wasn’t trusting him.
We haven’t even planned our session so I was also thinking when to tell him but I decided to tell him now as I might forget. Also, if I’m telling him now, I can explain to him why I feel I need a safe word for a sex session, but if I wait till the time we go into a session, I may not have time or be too nervous to tell him ‘why’. – then inevitably will raise the question about why a safe word for sex?
Then, I decided to do so from the reasons I gave above and also so that he can move to a BDSM at any time if he feels like it and if I’m ready for it.